A Love Letter

Dear Snobby-Old-Lonely-British-Neighbor-With-Nothing-Better-To-Do-Than-Worry-About-Other-People:

If you don't like it, then DON'T LOOK! Forgive ME for going out of down for a family funeral and not stopping to worry about taking my freaking trash to the dump before I left. I'll try to plan the family deaths around the trash schedule and your preferences next time.

And if you're going to report me to the HOA, don't LIE and tell them that the trash has been outside for 2 weeks, when it'd only actually been out there for 2 DAYS!! Let's face it: You'd either report me for putting it at the curb too early, or apparently you'd report for not putting it out soon enough. Good GRIEF!

Have you stopped to consider that the REASON you're so lonely is because you're so stinking NASTY to anyone and everyone around you that doesn't live to your personal letter of the law?

This is America. A land of freedom. A land where we know we're not perfect, and we don't pretend to be.

So please - dismount and park your high horse somewhere else, because I don't give a rat's vomit about what you think of me. And clearly that feeling is mutual.

If you (and your new redneck friend downstairs) had taken just a moment or two to get to know my husband and I, then you'd know that we'd do anything we can to help you, should you need it. Lord help you if anything should happen and you can't maintain your home (especially if the HOA came-a-knockin'). Or should you get hurt and not be able to do more than yell for help, we're the ones that would hear you.

Have you stopped to think about that? Have you considered that maybe we'd would be better allies than we are the enemies you're making for yourself? No. Of course you haven't. Because that would require you to think about someone other than yourself.

You're an angry old lonely woman, and that won't change until you do. And unfortunately for us all, that will probably never happen.

My suggestion? You don't like it here, then leave. You do like it here? Act like it and quit making everyone around you so miserable. Then... tell your face. Your angry wrinkles are giving you away.

Signed,

Your annoyed and already wanting to move as far as possible neighbors next door. You know - the ones with the dog that poops. *GASP!