Headless Chickens and Food Babies

Last night something happened... it had NEVER happened before. I mean not to me. And I was so caught off guard that I responded so differently that I normally would have.

Good thing I'm quick on my feet!

But I did NOT see it coming. Not at all! If you follow me on twitter, then you may have seen the tweet... but if not, here ya go:


I ran around like a Chicken with my head cut off yesterday evening. I left work early. Went to Petsmart to get dog food for Austin. Then to Lowes (where I witnessed this) to pick up side-splashes for our new vanity that was supposed to be installed today (another post for which I need to count WAY beyond 10 in order to post). Then I had to go home and make dinner for McStudly and the grandparents (and myself, of course). Then I Had to be at the church at 7pm for Worship Team practice. After practice I had to drive 25 minutes to another Lowes store in the area to pick up the other side-splash, because there weren't enough in stock. Then I FINALLY got home a few minutes before 10pm.


*breathe*


It was ridiculous.


But "it" happened at my final stop for the night. Lowes in a neighboring town.

As some of you may know (or not...) I'm not a big girl. I mean, I'm a "big girl", but not a "Big" girl. Does that make sense? I'm lucky if I tip the scales at 107. Seriously, folks... I'm not allowed to give blood. It's pretty ridiculous. So the story that I'm about to tell you is going to seem a bit hard to believe (and now that I think about it, I probably should've taken a picture to prove it), but it's all true. I've never lied to you, and I don't plan to start now.

...movingalong...

By the time I left Worship practice I had a stomach full of dinner (steak fingers and mashed potatoes) and about 2 bottles of water. (I'mma beast. 'Nough said.) I had to pee something fierce, but I decided to wait until I could do so on the comfort of my own toilet. Basically, I have one motherofa "food baby" a-peeping out by this point. Not my biggest, but it was getting there.

So I pick up the side-splash and head to the check-out counter.

I waited patiently behind two guys that were laughing and joking with the lady at the register. All fine and well, but I'm not feeling so hot... this food baby was kicking my BUTT and there was not a thing I could do about it. As soon as the mcflirties left, I saw "the look" in her eyes.


You know that look you give to a pregnant woman when she seems exhausted? (The Mrs., do you get that a lot?) The look that says "God love you... I'd never say it, but you look so tired!"? Well... she was giving it to me.

I smiled and looked away. I asked if they still gave military discounts (I know they did, but it's the most polite way to ask for them to apply it) and she waved over the manager for approval. Apparently I made a big mistake while we waited for her to walk over, because I kind've winced as I tried to re-adjust my pants to sit a little lower on my stomach (I told you that food baby was kicking my butt!) and that's when she did it.

She asked that question that you should never Ever EVER ask someone unless you 1 - know that person and have been told that they are pregnant, or 2 - look like they're about to bust AND are purchasing a baby stroller, car seat, etc.

Apparently, she didn't get the memo.


"Aww, you tiny little thing. When are you due?!"

*insert jaw droppage here* I responded with the only thing I could think of at the time.

"November 10th."

"You are just too cute. I was much bigger when I was pregnant, but everyone's different..."



Don't hate me. I didn't want to make her feel like a total flake (I do have moments when I'm nice and thoughtful, like that). So the first date that popped into my head was my wedding anniversary. Lucky for me it wasn't next month or anything.

She proceeded to tell me all about her daughter and her pregnancy, etc etc. As I tried my darndest to hide the utter embarrassment that was rushing to my cheeks. I payed and walked out, smiling and nodding. Then called McStudly as soon as I cleared the doors.


"You will NEVER believe what just happened to me."



Now, I warned you that it may be hard to believe, with someone as small as me, but you have to know - when I get a good food baby, it's really convincing. I blame it on the Taco Bell I had for lunch yesterday, but whatever the cause... it was a good one (though, again - not my best). I meant to take a picture of it last night when I got home, but it didn't happen. I'll try to catch it on camera next time to prove to you just how big it gets, but it all stays RIGHT in the belly area until I - well... deliver(??). So with all that "stuff" sitting in one place, it looks like I'm a few months pregnant.




I have never in my life been asked when I was due. Never. In. My. Life. And I hope to God that it doesn't happen again until I am actually several months pregnant.


That's all I can ask, really.

My B

I'm sorry.

I was having a really tough day yesterday. I wasn't just frustrated with McStudly, but there's actually a LOT going on right now.

Please pray for me, would ya? I can always use it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

On a much lighter note - it's THURSDAY!! Which means it's almost the weekend. That's freaking FANNNtastic!! I could sure use another weekend (even though this one won't be 4-days... it's better than nothing, right?!).

So... on this Thursday, what's going on with you? Are things good? Are they rotten? (Don't you DARE say things are fine - that's never an acceptable answer with me. Let's be real... "fine" is code for "I don't wanna talk about it." or "I don't really think you care, so I'm not going to waste your time."


I would't ask if I didn't care.







So for real, people. How are things in (insert your name here)-Ville?!

Foot In Mouth Disease

Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak - the last one is great!

Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back? Or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did:


FIRST TESTIMONY:

I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly,

'How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?'

I turned around and walked back out and never went back.

My husband didn't say a word...he knew better.


SECOND TESTIMONY:

I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me.

Without thinking, I looked at him and said, 'I think I like playing with men's balls'


THIRD TESTIMONY:

My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.

I replied, 'No, I'm just looking at your nuts.'

My sister started to laugh hysterically. The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.


FOURTH TESTIMONY :

While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving 'right now' she would be punished.

To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening,

'If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!'

The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.


FIFTH TESTIMONY:

Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly.

One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch, in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying m y taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, she was clean. Then realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while.

I asked him if he needed to go, and he said 'No'. I kept thinking 'Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me.' Then I said,'Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?' 'No,' he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, 'Danny did you have an accident?'

This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled 'SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!'

While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better,thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!


LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:

This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any -

We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked:

'So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?'

Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!





Oh my word... I've been there SO many times! (to those of you that weren't there, 'How would you punish your pet monkey if he misbehaved?')