Like a Stick in the Mud

This has been a whirlwind of a weekend. Where do I begin? Oh, I know where I'll begin, because I can only really even write about a few things (the down side to having people you know read your blog...).

Well, we just got word that some good friends of ours are leaving. Pastor Travis (our worship pastor) and Leann, along with their two little ones.

It sucks.

To be honest - it's strange how much this is effecting me. I consider them dear friends, and he has actually been kind've a mentor to me for the past year plus. Not to mention they're just plain ol' fun to be with. But even as I sit here typing this up, I find myself crying (...again...).


I get it that people come and go in your life. And I've only even known them for a little less than 2 years. I guess I've just grown really fond of them? I don't know... like I said, it's kind've strange how much this is effecting me. I almost feel stupid. Hopefully it doesn't weird them out to hear that. ha.

But I can honestly say that I hope we remain friends, even after they are gone. We don't know, yet, just how far away they'll be going or where they'll be... they're still trying to figure that out. But for some reason I'm really having a hard time with this.


Gosh dang it. My tear-ducts must be broken... there's a leak or something. Any eye plumbers out there??


I know that God's got plans for them. And I know that he's got plans for me. To prosper all of us and not to harm us. To bring glory to him. I just hate that those plans are going to be in different places, even if just for now. It sucks.


But I know that his ways are higher than mine. I can't even begin to comprehend what he's doing in and around us. I just hate it when it hurts, ya know?


And what makes this weekend even more difficult (and probably why the shut-off valve for my eyes is MIA) is the stuff that I can't really write about. I wish I could. I want answers to some things. I feel like I deserve some answers!! And hey - maybe you guys could shed some light on some stupid situations, but unfortunately I'm left without.

Honestly - I wish I could just dump it all out there. I want to just get it off my chest, but I just don't feel right about it, right now. And it sucks. Dang it - why am I such a freaking nice person?! Ugh!!

Some of it is related to the above, and some is not. So if you're reading this and you know me, and you're wondering why I'm being such a big weird baby, then know that there's more at play.

And you know how it is... a piece of paper doesn't weigh much, but when you start to stack it all up, and then fill a box, and then another... it starts to really weigh you down.

I just feel so torn. I feel stuck. I've really felt like God has been moving me in a certain direction, and now I keep asking myself if I just misheard or misunderstood him.

But his sheep will know his voice. And the Lord confides in those who fear him. That's what my bible tells me... what my Jesus tells me. And I believe it.

...and that's why I'm so confused! Because what I feel and what I'm experiencing don't add up. God's saying "apples" and all I'm seeing are oranges. I'm surrounded by oranges. Oranges. ORANGES!

What the heck?!

And I think, too, that I got so caught off guard because I wasn't expecting ANYthing like this. I did NOT see this coming at all (back to the original subject here, folks).

But then it did.

And I realized how much I take for granted.

Period.

Even just in general.

But I was asked by several people, this morning, how I was doing. They're the ones leaving, and people have been asking how I was doing. So to most of them I just replied that I'm doing good. That I'll obviously miss them (they have no idea, I'd bet), but I know God's got a plan a-working and things all work out for his glory.

But then one person asked me how I was doing, and I began spouting off what became my routine answer, and all of a sudden I sprung a leak, again! I had been fine ALL morning, and then BAM.

I felt like SUCH a dweeb.

But I think we both knew that he wasn't asking for the standard answer, but he wanted to truth. And, well, he got it. I started crying, again, and just smiled. He said "yeah. I figured..." and said that he'd be praying for me. Which is all he can do, really.

Again... have I mentioned that I totally feel like a dweeb with how much this is effecting me.

It's just that we'd made so much progress, I felt. We were doing things. I've been growing so much.

And even through it all... last night as I was trying to go to sleep and my mind just would NOT stop running in circles... I just felt like God was pushing this song back at me that I had been working on a while ago. One that I had worked on with Travis and didn't get very far. And then he came back with some changes to the melody and, again, it kind've stayed in that stage for a while.

But last night I just couldn't sleep and I couldn't stop thinking through this song. I felt like God was really just leading me to focus on it, and I just really couldn't help but do just that.

In God's grace and sovereignty, I feel like I might've finished it last night. And I don't know how I did that without crying (I told you I've been a weepy mess... poor McStudly), though, in the interest of full disclosure, I did get choked up by that knot in my throat...

You know what's funny? I made it through this last night without a single tear, but as I prepare to write the words to the song here on the blog, I am crying yet again (or still, maybe?).

Anyways - here it is. Not all of it, but the main point of it, in poetic order as I'm feeling right now (so, basically, not in song format or order):

Our hearts now changed by your love

Your praise my lips will still proclaim

Who can ever compare to You,

God, I'll never be the same

You're my strength when I have none

You're my vict'ry, You're the one

I may stumble, I may fall

But by Your grace, You're my all

You're my all

You make life out of death

You bring peace and rest

You're my all in all

You bring joy in my pain

Time and time again

Jesus, You're my all

So yeah. I cried. I took a break. I think I'm past it, now, but Lord knows it'll probably come back in a second or two.

Basically, I'm a big huge dork baby and I probably need a midol or something (I promise I don't usually cry this much, no matter how much McStudly probably says otherwise) and I'll be fine. But I'm not happy about this change.

*insert pouty lip and child-like tantrum stomping here*

But I'll accept it, because... well, what other choice do I have?!

I just know that I will really miss them more than I thought I would miss someone I've only known for not-even 2 years. And I hope I haven't freaked them out by saying so. ha ha

Keep praying for me, guys. And please add our church to your list, if you can. We need to find a new worship leader and transition as smoothly as possible. And hopefully some other big bits of my mess can be cleaned up soon...

...to include the puddles caused by my leaky eye-holes. *sigh*

Love you guys. Thanks for letting me blubber on here. And count your blessings that this is not a video blog because I am NOT a cute crier. No no... not in the slightest.

Snot ya later.

"I will Daaance like David Daaannnced"

I was writing, kind've like I do fairly regularly, and discovered that it's looking a bit like David's writing style in Psalms, today. Oh well. What can ya do, right?!

So here it is... my thoughts, as jumbled and mixed up as they were at the time of writing.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When I'm crying in the night
Afraid of what's surrounding me
not knowing when the pain is going to end

When the sin in this world
Becomes thick and almost suffocating
And I hardly feel like I can breathe another breath

I know that even in these times of fear and doubt

You reign.
You’re still seated on the throne.
You reign with power to calm even the raging seas.

There’s none on earth, or above, or below
That could even begin to compare to Your strength and majesty

When I’m not sure that this world is worth it anymore
And I don’t want to deal through the pain
You’re the one who dries my tears and You hold me in Your arms.
You don’t let go.

There’s a peace You give that I can’t explain
And I know I’ll make it through the night, to the next day
The comfort You give is overwhelming
And joy, it overflows within me.

God, my Father, only You can calm my storms.

Nothing, in life or in death, could ever replace Your love.
My desire to know You more and more astounds me every day.

Even when I fail, You never change.
You never move, but to follow me – even into the depths of my sin.
And when I cry out, You’re already there.
Holding and comforting me before the cry even leaves my lips.

You know my heart.
I can keep nothing from You.
You see the good and the shameful,
But You love me still.

How can there be a love so great?
So that even my sin can’t turn You away?

I’ll never understand such a love, but I’ll be forever grateful to You for it.

I love you God, my forgiving, loving Father.
And even if I worked forever, even past this life,
I’ll never be able to comprehend Your love.

But I’ll try, because a love so great is worth everything.
And maybe that’s why You gave Your son – You gave everything, just to prove that to me.

A sinner like me?
Worth Your everything?

I should forever be in your debt, but you’d never allow it.

Your gift of love was just that – a gift.
And now I could never repay you.

But God – I’d love to try.

So I’ll give You my everything.
I’ll try and try to live for You, and none other.

I’m not perfect, by any means, but You see me as spotless, still.

How great a love is that?

Another Peekaboo

... just because I can. :-)


"He brings peace to the weary
And Strength to the weak
He is Comfort in mourning
And Joy in my grief
He is Love for the lonely
The Forgiver of my sins

My Deliverer
My Savior
You are My Righteousness.

Lives Restored and Darkness flees
All Creation bows at your feet."




Just a few parts and pieces to another song... again, hard to imagine it without melody and rhythm, but that's the curse of the blog, I guess.

Sing-song Peekaboo

"You're there
You never leave my side, Lord
You're there
Through the darkest of my night

Anywhere that I may stumble
You are there to pick me up, oh You are there
You're there"



I wish I could somehow convey the melody and timing, but alas, I cannot. Ah well, What can ya do, right? That's just a teenie piece of something I'm working on. Just looking at the words alone makes it look kind've cheesy, but that's the beauty of music - it's SO much more than just the word's you're singing.


I love music. :-)

Feeling Lead...

It's an interesting concept. Do you ever felt impressed to do something, or go a certain direction, but you don't know why? Like... your mind knows something it won't tell you?

Well, I've been having a day week YEAR like that, I suppose. I feel like there's SO much to life that I'm missing, because I make silly excuses. But NOT anymore!! Well... maybe just a few here and there.


ANYwho - McStudly and I should be getting our tax refund within a week or two. We opted for direct deposit (why didn't I do this SOONER?!) and are eagerly awaiting our refund, to include our first time home buyers credit. This will free us of over HALF of the debt we currently have, and that means less stress (not that it keeps me up at night) and more time to dream. :-)


Debt doesn't really worry me, because we are still living within our means - just paying it off and not adding to it. We don't worry about phone calls from creditors and we have a pay-off plan. But after this refund arrives, we'll have a SINGLE blob (blog - a very technical financial term, of course) of debt on our credit. Wait - scratch that... a single blob outside of our mortgage and car payments, that is. For us - that's progress.

We're still paying off our wedding, so this will make it FINALLY almost complete. PLUS - with our pay-off plan, after you pay one debt off in full, you apply that amount to the next blob of debt, and you are paying your debt off at an exponential rate. It's amazing. So in NO time, we'll be done with this blob, too, and we'll get to start paying off our cars, AND finally fix up the house and add a little bit of "us" to it. :-)


This isn't exactly where I intended this blog to go, but oh well. It went there. So no, moving on!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Paying off all of this debt just adds a little more breathing room, and a chance to pursue a few other things that I've been putting off, so as not to add to debt, or anything like that. Hopefully, I'll get to buy a rather cheap guitar and finally start to learn how to play. I've considered getting a keyboard, but guitar is the one I REALLY want. As awesome as keyboards are, I MUCH prefer the sound of real piano, so... it's never been a big hit with me.

ANYWHO - this means adding to the whole song-writing thing. I've been working on a few other songs, but always get stuck in trying to make note of the melody and the ideas in my head for the music, since I'm not one of those people who can accurately jot down what notes I'm singing or thinking. That'll come, I'm sure, but I gotta work to get there, ya know?

So, that's what I'm going to do. I'm going to work on it. And paying off all of this debt will make it that much more possible. The only thing that would make it even better? Being able to find a nice sounding guitar for UBER cheap. I check craigslist pretty regularly, and occasionally take a gander on ebay, but... nothing so far.

Anyone cleaning out their closet full of musical instruments that are in great working condition anytime soon? Yeah. I won't hold my breath on that one. But a girl can dream, right?




Right. And in the meantime, I'll just keep working with what I've got.

Letting it All Hang Out

So I did it. I finally got to the point where I shared one of my songs with a few other people. *GASP*

It's true. First my best girlfriend, Ashley... then My Husband, and then our Worship Pastor. Glad that I finally did, because it's only getting better this way.



This was a BIG step for me. Aren't you proud??