April Showers

I almost don't even know where to begin. If I seem a little spotty, please forgive me. My mind is in about 5 gazillion places, right now.

*sigh


So as many of you know, we've been doing some home-remodelling lately. We've hit bump after bump in the road, but things were finally progressing. So imagine, if you will, that we've finally taken about 5 steps forward. Well... now think 8 steps back.


My Husband has been living the "Manly Man" dream in wanting to do things himself. I'm not allowed to do them, but it's not due to any fact other than he just wants to be able to do it. Fine. Whatever. I've got PLENTY of other things to do around the house...


Yesterday, McStudly had plans to install the new light into our bathroom. That's fine, but I couldn't keep myself from worrying - so I called.

Honey, I know you're going to laugh at me, but I just have to say it - please don't forget to turn the breaker off before you install the new light.

*sarcastic silence*

"Babe. Seriously. I'm not stupid."

Okay - that's fine. I just had to say it. Laugh at me if you want, but I feel better.

(end of conversation)



Well, apparently it shouldn't have been... in installing the new light, he ran into a bit of a snag and had to make a home-depot run in order to take care of it. While at the Home Depot, he decided to go ahead and purchase a new shut-off valve for the water supply to our new toilet, since the old one was, well, old and needed to be replaced anyways.

Upon arriving home, he decides to switch jobs and install the new shut-off valve instead. (Some of you probably see what's coming. Unfortunately, I didn't know what he was doing, or I would've said... well... you'll figure it out)

He starts taking off the old valve and SQQWOOOOSSHHSHHHSHHSHHSHHHHHSHHSHHSHHHHHHHH (that's my squirting water impression, for those of you not following).


Apparently, Mr. Manly Man himself forgot to SHUT OFF THE WATER!!! He thought that shutting it off on the shut-off valve... the one he was replacing... would shut all of the water off to that pipe. ???


Natural reaction - he sticks his finger in the pipe. I don't blame him. I would've done the same thing... oh wait... no. No I wouldn't have.


ANYwho - he has his finger in the pipe and calls... My Dad. Mr. fix-it-yourself. Probably the best choice, really. So he finally figures out that he has to take his finger out and go shut off the main water... but he doesn't know where it is.


He runs down to the utility closet... then down to the basement and finds three water lines. Shuts ALL 3 of them off. (again - probably the best choice, at this point) But, by this time it had been probably around 5 minutes since "the incident" started. So you know what that means...


Water - EVERYWHERE!!



So I happen to call, and he answers the phone like this:

"I feel so stupid."

Why? What happened?

"I can't believe I didn't that..."

What? You did what? WHAT HAPPENED??

"Ugh - I feel SO stupid!"

Would you PLEASE tell me what happened?!


As he starts to relive what happened, I BUST out laughing... what else can you do? But then he tells me how bad it is.



As you can imagine, 5 minutes is a LOOONG time to have water BURSTING out of an open pipe. It was ALL over the place... literally.


Bathroom - covered in water





(with the new shut-off valve finally in place)


Bedroom - carpet totally wet and soggy at the door and along the entire wall that meets up with the bathroom



Hallway - carpet completely wet and soggy outside of the bathroom door




*sigh* I wish that was where it ended.


Moving downstairs:

Dining room - water rushing down through the new chandelier, through the fire-sprinkler, ALL over the dining room table, ALL over the carpet





Utilities closet - it's raining men in there

(Sorry - it's a bad pic, I know)


Living Room - let's just say you can see all of the seams of the dry-wall on the ceiling. AND where any screw-holes may have once existed.







(the chandelier and one of the sprinkler heads)


(the cieling where the dining room meets the kitchen)


(the floor next to the utilities closet)



Now, McStudly WAS quick to not only turn off all of the water, but also flip the Main Breaker to the entire house. Than the Lord... I didn't need him getting electrocuted on top of all that had already happened (which was my first concern when he answered the phone the way he did and sounding all delirious).



Our HomeOwner's Insurance will be earning it's keep in the near future, that's for sure. Unfortunately, there's no way it'll be done by... TOMORROW, when his grandparents fly in!! But at least they're not staying with us until Monday evening. We'll have a few more days for clean-up and getting the house livable, again.



I'm just glad it was nice outside. A neighbor's kid ran the dog while we cleaned up and when we checked to make sure we wouldn't get electrocuted, we cut the power back on so I could cook some dinner.

On the plus side - the new light is almost installed int he bathroom, and the new toilet (and shut-off valve!) has been installed. I also got a lot of re-organizing and re-arranging in the spare bedroom while McStudly, a Neighbor Man, and Papa Bear worked.






Oh yeah - AND it looks like I no longer need to mop the bathroom floor!! :-P

Oats and Canola Oil

Last night was the Fusion Christmas party. It was a good time.

Well... it was at least "interesting". That I can honestly say...


No really, it was fun. But I have to say that my least favorite part probably would have to be sponge bathing in the church bathroom while soaking my unmentionables in the sink next to me.


Let's recap.


Apparently, in order to show your "love" for your small group leader (notice I used caps... I felt loved, but I have a hard time believe that the other two leaders felt loved with the way their small groups went near-homicidal on them), you have to completely cover them in... well... seemingly anything that the youth pastor could grab from the church's pantry.

We played a game called the "Christmas 12 Days of Doom". If I could remember all of the actual items, and in order, I'm sure it would be SO much more fun... but alas, I was a bit distracted as I was being lathered in Maple Syrup.


What I can remember:

- We were told to come on stage as they brought in the tarps (Tarps? Never a good sign at a youth event!)

- Then, we were each assigned our very on kiddy-pool. Here I was thinking 'Hey, maybe they're going to re-enact a beach getaway for us, since it's so stinking butt-cold outside! How thoughtful... I really DO feel loved!' ... so I got cozy.

- In came the table... on the table sat 3 bins, but the three bins were covered by a big black cloth. (again - this is not usually a good sign)

- They started singing... and it all started with a box of Betty Crocker Cake Mix. Why were they name specific? I think it was to ensure that we knew they weren't going cheap and just dumping the Richfood brand of cake mix over our heads... oh no! They went WORLD class, splurged, and bought the name brand stuff. Because, after all, they loved us.

- Then came the two "things" canola oil (so shoot me I don't know what carton-thingies are called). Were they going to bake me in a 350 degree oven at the end? Well, there's no way to know. But I started-a-mixin' just in case. I was NOT going to be the leader that tasted the worst. If I was going out - I was going out tasty, my friends!

- and out came the whipped cream. At this point, I was BEGGING and PLEADING my girls not to put this gunk on my hair... "I'll bring you SOO much candy next week! SOO much candy! What do you want?! I'll totally bring it for you..." Yes, it was low. Don't judge me. You know you would've done the same thing. And unfortunately for the guys (the other two leader that were sentenced selected for the "activity") weren't with it enough to try... plus they didn't have NEARLY as much hair as I did... it only seemed fair.

- As I'm sitting and happily eating the mixture that has thus far been poured over my shoulders and a little bit down my shirt... loving the whipped cream... out comes the nastiest piece of the puzzle. From this point forward, I looked like I was the closest trash can to the tilt-a-whirl after a ride mis-hap caused everyone aboard to get a tad bit nauseous. What was this awful mess of an "ingredient"? Pork & beans. I know... totally gross, right? *mini-gag*

- After this point, it's all quite a bit fuzzy. I remember ketchup (which made the whole thing look more like a murder scene than a youth group "love" fest).

- I know somewhere in there were bags of popcorn. I tried to catch it in my mouth, but ended up gagging on a kernel and then spitting it all back out onto myself. I'm thinking I just made it worse on myself... but at least it was tasty?!

- Applesauce! I was smart enough to not put my hands into the "mixture" since the whipped cream, so I caught a few things of applesauce and had a bit of a snack. Hey - a girl's gotta eat, right?!

- Maple Syrup. I hear it takes DAYS to get this funk out of your hair. I'm SO glad I had some awesome girls doing this ... whatever it was to me. They were very gentle. *sigh*

- Oats. Alone? Probably not too shabby. But mixed with all of the above ingredients? Including Maple Syrup? Yeah... it got REALLY "icky" here... so I start making some oatmeal cookies for the friendly girls of mine. I'm not so sure why they didn't want them. I guess they were full from all of the free cookies and hot cocoa we handed out before service.

- Speaking of which... hot cocoa (powder only) was in there somewhere, too. Not so sure where... but it was there... and again - this mixture was just so nasty! Have I mentioned that I was SITTING in this gross-ness?

- Cornmeal. I think this was added earlier on, but it was FAR from the worst of the food items I had to swim in last night!

- and finally (and I mean finally!), they added the dozen eggs. In reality this wasn't as bad as it sounds. They slid RIGHT off of me (I actually had this awkward little puddle of eggs inside my indian-crossed legs - slightly inappropriate, right? Again - don't judge me). The worst part about this stuff?? It was FREEZING!!! Tell me... why do you feel that you must refrigerate the eggs that you are planning to pour over your leaders? Were you worried about them going bad?! Let's re-evaluate this decision. Ponder on where they were destined to end up... and now let's think again... did they need to be refrigerated? You people are cruel. JUST cruel!


SO there we have it. It was a pretty good time - up until they were finished with us, that is. I was whisked away (almost literally, since they had me lay on a tarp and then drug me to the bathroom) to clean myself up. And folks, this was NO easy task.

Sponge bathing in general doesn't seem like a very pleasant thing to do. Now add the setting of a church bathroom with no locks on the door and NO more than just a few little sinks. Yeah. Nice, right? At least the water was warm last night, because it's usually like liquid ice when you turn the faucet on.

Thankfully one of the other lady leaders stood guard to make sure that the door was not opened for ANY reason WHATsoever! And she did a great job. I stripped down as quickly as possible (which isn't very quick at all when you are covered in maple syrup and ketchup and trying to avoid getting it all in your hair and all over the bathroom floor) and put my unmentionables into the left sink to soak, in hopes of removing the strong smell of nastiness enough to be able to wear them home.

As I stand in the church bathroom buck-friggin-naked and trying to scrub this... pukey mixture off of myself, I realized just how little my clothes spared my body. I found gooey cake-mix caked (pun not originally intended) in places I didn't know it would ever be. I scrubbed and scrubbed, stretched my feet up into the sink to clean the funk off of them, and then finally felt as though I'd gotten as much as I could. Good golly, miss molly, that took forever!


I emerged from my whole in the bathroom to find that not only had service ended, by this time, but I also discovered that apparently in the boy's bathroom, there was a janitor's closet. Yes, folks - the guys had a nice little drain and I do believe a hose as well in order to wash off.


Fannntastic.


Ah well. At least I still had my blinky-Christmas hat. Wait... where IS my blinky Christmas hat?! OH NO!!!


Thankfully, the girl I had given it to entrusting it's safe-keeping had left it with another girl that was hanging around for a bit. It was returned safely to me just after we took our leader's group picture. Whew! That was close!!


So after being practically attacked my a nose-strong dog, last night, having him somehow manage to drag my funktified clothing over onto the carpet, leaving a trail of nasty-goodness behind him, and FINALLY getting to take a REAL shower, I felt clean and normal again.



...well, as relatively normal as I was before this whole thing, anyways... which isn't really saying much.



Good times were had by most. I stop short of saying all, but only due to the fact that I do believe that the middle school boy sitting in front of my was just shy of having a coronary over the fact that they just wouldn't put it in my hair and the high school boys were, from a distance of course, quite nearly as displeased at the "unfair"ness of the situation. Silly boys... if only you KNEW - I do believe you would've left well-enough alone.





And even better times, still, will be had next week by my girls when they embark on their MUCH earned sugary appreciation celebration. I'm sure you'll have some pretty good times, too, once I get my hands on some pictures to post from the incident... I bet you can't HANDLE your excitement!!


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


PS: The only warning I was given of what was to come was an e-mail that said "bring a change of clothes that you can get messy". Am I the only one that thinks that this doesnt' even remotely prepare one for what is coming? I would've brought another pair of unmentionables, at LEAST!! *sigh*

NL Update

So... either she read my post and took some valium, or my experiment is working.


The Neighbor Lady (NL) won't so much as look at me (which is fine by me, while this whole thing blows over), much less try and talk to me. She hasn't spoken a word to me, or tossed me a glance since our last encounter.


I did, however, come home to a nice business card sticking in my doorway, yesterday, from a man that works for the Health Department... this should be interesting. But alas, I called and he was "out in the field" until this afternoon. I will definitely update you one where THAT conversation should lead.


But before I even got to my stairs, I was greeted by Grace (our 80-year-old, work-out loving old lady OTHER neighbor that sold me girl scout cookies the other day) and a nice hispanic gentleman that didn't speak much English, both standing and waiting for me. (Grace is a special kind of woman, but she's at least nice about it, for the msot part) She introduced me to Francesco (you can't make this stuff up, people), and informed me that he does odd jobs around the area and would be willing to clean up my back yard, becuase "Janet's really been fussing at you about that, lately."


Me: "It's actually all clean. There's nothing back there."

Grace: "Then what's she been fussing at you about?"

Me: "I don't know..." *shrugs shoulders

Francesco: *puzzled look of non-understanding de eengleesh


[slapping my own hand "not nice, Sarah... that was not nice to say!"] You'll have to excuse me, being alone causes me to talk to myself more... even so far as punishing myself for saying mena things... MOVING on...



ANYwho, I'm still waiting to hear back on what the Health Department has to say about my back yard... and while I wait, I'm still mid-experiment.


My sister helped with the idea, really (Thanks, Ape!), and so far, it's seemed to work. Amazingly enough, when she can't SEE the poop, she can't seem to smell it, either. Hmm... interesting...

I have a little "poop jaw", as I like to call it, and I just grab his little piles, when he's done making them, and move them under my deck, into a corner she can't see. When it piles up enough, I will clean it up, but this is REALLY just to prove that there is NO problem with my backyard, except that she can't STAND to lok over into our backyard and see a pile or 2 or 3 (which there is NO law against, mind you).



I will keep you updated along with the progress of the experiment, but so far, so good. HOWEVER, he did have a little... umm... "gooey" pile this morning (I'll spare you too many of the details), and as any dog owner knows, you may as wel not even TRY to pick it up, if you don't have to, until it's nice and... umm... hardened. So - there's a LARGE possibility that she may say something to me this afternoon, but I've already been advised the call the police, should that happen. I just REALLY REALLY hope it doesn't come to that.


*crossing fingers






I think that's enough of an update, for now. For those of you who are squeamish, I apoligize for the gag reflex I've conjured up in you today. I will try to spare you in the future...







Toodles!