Monday, December 8, 2008

So Strong

She really is an inspiration. She's so much deeper than I ever was, but I remember how hard it was to turn around and go back to where things went wrong.

To U-turn.

To return the last moment when you remember things were right and start again.

It's a painful re-journey. You feel like you're so far behind everyone else. And you feel like all of those people are looking back with their judgement-filled eyes and thinking "what was she thinking when she went that way? We told her it was wrong... she should've listened." So not only do you need the strength to go back and start over, but you also now carry the weight of their judgemental glances.

And now you question yourself - is this even the right decision for me? Or am I just making it because they keep telling me that it's the right one? Who am I doing this for? Am I just exchanging his power over me for theirs?

But you're stronger than you think. At some point you'll realize that you're doing what's best for you, and only you can know what that is. It seems to align with what they want for you, for now, but I promise you that eventually you will see the differences between the two paths.

Even our parents think they know what is right for us, but we'll all get to the point where only we can truly know what that is. But I do believe we'll only find that if our heart is so grounded in God that only those as equally grounded can see the "right" in what we do.

What you decide now will forever leave an impression on your life. But it won't be the kind of scar that throbs at times when things are tough again. It'll more resemble a beauty mark - the kind of mark that is permanent, but not regretted or resented.

You'll get there someday. And when you do, we'll look at each other and laugh at how far you've come. We'll talk about all of the phone calls where we cried together... or where you cried and I pretended not to, so that one of us could seem strong. We'll laugh at how hard the decisions seemed at the time, but how much stronger they made you.

Then we'll look at where you are and smile. It was all worth it.

It will all be worth it in the end. All of the pain you're feeling right now. All of the hands of people who think they're helping that you're having to fight off. Everything that is fighting within you... The tears. The lack of sleep. The hair loss. The weight loss. The seemingly constant nausea caused by it all... It'll all be worth it when you reach the other side. And together, we'll be grateful that you're here.

I'm proud of you. You've already come so far from where you were, and this time - it was all on your own. I'm so proud of you. Keep it up, friend. I miss you... the "you-ness" that really is you.
And I can't wait to see your "ness" again.

See "you" soon, goober!!