Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Headless Chickens and Food Babies

Last night something happened... it had NEVER happened before. I mean not to me. And I was so caught off guard that I responded so differently that I normally would have.

Good thing I'm quick on my feet!

But I did NOT see it coming. Not at all! If you follow me on twitter, then you may have seen the tweet... but if not, here ya go:

I ran around like a Chicken with my head cut off yesterday evening. I left work early. Went to Petsmart to get dog food for Austin. Then to Lowes (where I witnessed this) to pick up side-splashes for our new vanity that was supposed to be installed today (another post for which I need to count WAY beyond 10 in order to post). Then I had to go home and make dinner for McStudly and the grandparents (and myself, of course). Then I Had to be at the church at 7pm for Worship Team practice. After practice I had to drive 25 minutes to another Lowes store in the area to pick up the other side-splash, because there weren't enough in stock. Then I FINALLY got home a few minutes before 10pm.


It was ridiculous.

But "it" happened at my final stop for the night. Lowes in a neighboring town.

As some of you may know (or not...) I'm not a big girl. I mean, I'm a "big girl", but not a "Big" girl. Does that make sense? I'm lucky if I tip the scales at 107. Seriously, folks... I'm not allowed to give blood. It's pretty ridiculous. So the story that I'm about to tell you is going to seem a bit hard to believe (and now that I think about it, I probably should've taken a picture to prove it), but it's all true. I've never lied to you, and I don't plan to start now.


By the time I left Worship practice I had a stomach full of dinner (steak fingers and mashed potatoes) and about 2 bottles of water. (I'mma beast. 'Nough said.) I had to pee something fierce, but I decided to wait until I could do so on the comfort of my own toilet. Basically, I have one motherofa "food baby" a-peeping out by this point. Not my biggest, but it was getting there.

So I pick up the side-splash and head to the check-out counter.

I waited patiently behind two guys that were laughing and joking with the lady at the register. All fine and well, but I'm not feeling so hot... this food baby was kicking my BUTT and there was not a thing I could do about it. As soon as the mcflirties left, I saw "the look" in her eyes.

You know that look you give to a pregnant woman when she seems exhausted? (The Mrs., do you get that a lot?) The look that says "God love you... I'd never say it, but you look so tired!"? Well... she was giving it to me.

I smiled and looked away. I asked if they still gave military discounts (I know they did, but it's the most polite way to ask for them to apply it) and she waved over the manager for approval. Apparently I made a big mistake while we waited for her to walk over, because I kind've winced as I tried to re-adjust my pants to sit a little lower on my stomach (I told you that food baby was kicking my butt!) and that's when she did it.

She asked that question that you should never Ever EVER ask someone unless you 1 - know that person and have been told that they are pregnant, or 2 - look like they're about to bust AND are purchasing a baby stroller, car seat, etc.

Apparently, she didn't get the memo.

"Aww, you tiny little thing. When are you due?!"

*insert jaw droppage here* I responded with the only thing I could think of at the time.

"November 10th."

"You are just too cute. I was much bigger when I was pregnant, but everyone's different..."

Don't hate me. I didn't want to make her feel like a total flake (I do have moments when I'm nice and thoughtful, like that). So the first date that popped into my head was my wedding anniversary. Lucky for me it wasn't next month or anything.

She proceeded to tell me all about her daughter and her pregnancy, etc etc. As I tried my darndest to hide the utter embarrassment that was rushing to my cheeks. I payed and walked out, smiling and nodding. Then called McStudly as soon as I cleared the doors.

"You will NEVER believe what just happened to me."

Now, I warned you that it may be hard to believe, with someone as small as me, but you have to know - when I get a good food baby, it's really convincing. I blame it on the Taco Bell I had for lunch yesterday, but whatever the cause... it was a good one (though, again - not my best). I meant to take a picture of it last night when I got home, but it didn't happen. I'll try to catch it on camera next time to prove to you just how big it gets, but it all stays RIGHT in the belly area until I - well... deliver(??). So with all that "stuff" sitting in one place, it looks like I'm a few months pregnant.

I have never in my life been asked when I was due. Never. In. My. Life. And I hope to God that it doesn't happen again until I am actually several months pregnant.

That's all I can ask, really.


d.a.r. said...

Oh my gosh, hahahahaha!!! How awful! I am so sorry :( Hopefully it doesn't ever happen again until, you know, you actually have a bebe in there!

Malia Kell Photography said...

I get food babies's bad when Jordan walks up to me and puts his hand on my stomach and says "cmon baby! kick for me!" (butthead, lol) ...but I can hide it better I think than you...let's just say I'm allowed to give I'm so sorry my friend! lol...

April E. :) said...

wow. I can't believe you gave her a date. oh haha. I am dying.

The Mrs. said...

I think giving a date was a very kind thing to do. Nothing is worse then accidentally calling someone pregnant, not that I would ever do that, I'm afraid to strike up a conversation with someone in the ob waiting room! Really you took a bullet for her and saved her some shame.

And yes, yes I get that look a lot, especially with the two boys in tow. Actually its more of a "what in goodness sakes was she thinking?!" look.

Angie said...

Well, Sunday afternoon Iwas on the deck with Gramps and he patted my stomach and politely said, "You loko prenant", and I said laughing "Thanks you very much", then he said, "you're not are ya?" I laughed agai and said NO!!! I guess I am still a bit fleshy (that's his word for "fat" but I know I am "phat" ahahahahah

Anonymous said...

I couldn't stop laughing while reading this post! Hilarious! I knew girls from college who had food babies, it was like a party trick.
Way to bite the bullet and not totally embarrass the cashier.

Unknown said...

Oh my! First, you crack me up!! Second, I love that you were so quick on your feet and gave a due date!!! Third, I thought you might surprise us and say you were preggers!

Courtney said...

That's awful!! HAHA.. how embarrassing! You gave her a date. I died laughing!! At least you know you're small & won't get thrown into a depressing dieting stage! ;)

Unknown said...

I seriously don't know what is wrong with people! Between THAT question and now the one I got ALL the time about a month and a half ago, "YOu must be due like TOMORROW! No? Wow, you're huge!"

*SIGH* People are just plain dumb.