Friday, May 30, 2008

Gassy McFartPants

Can someone PLEASE explain to me why dogs have such bad gas??

And the worst part is that it never seems to bother them!

One minute, McStudly and I will be chillin' on the couch, maybe throwing the ball for the dog, or just watching a movie. And then WHAAMMMOOOO!!! We're slapped in the face by the stench of death erupting from my dog's foul behind.

It REALLY DOES smell like something died!!

Here are a few of Gassy McFartPants' preferred stink varieties:

The "what was that?!"
This is where the fart is preceded by a short, abrupt sound, alarming the dog, and causing him to look around as if it didn't just sneak out of it's own body. He looks around, sometimes even jumping to his feet, to investigate the source, while we all cover our faces in displeased preparation of the aftermath.

The "was that me?"
This is only similar to the first. In this case, the dog sniffs around and tracks the smell back to his hind parts. See the next one for possible outcomes.

The "save yourself!"
This can be a result of any said "release", if you will. Whatever the dog's initial reaction, he decides that leaving the room is the only option. And it's not usually a slow walk, it's more like a "RUN AWAAYYY" kind of thing, at least with my dog it is, anyway. Sometimes, you see the dog run out of the room wondering "what in the..." WHHAAMMMOOOO... you realize the reasoning behind his hasty escape. *queue Indiana Jones music*

The "crop duster"
Now this specific toot is not dog specific (then again, are any of them?). My dog is a big fan of the crop duster. He's a fart walker. Yes... he likes to "spread the love" around. (little brat) Sometimes it's a drive-by pooting, sometimes you are the finish of the race, but in any case, this one tends to come at you full force... like a big, Farty Mack Truck heading STRAIGHT at you at 60 mph. (It can even render you unconscious in the same way!)

The "sleep fart"
Simple to explain, but just as painful. The dog is sleeping and out of no where - there's a fart breeze-a-blowing. There's no warning, no avoiding it, and no way of stopping it. By the time it hits, you might as well tuck and cover until the storm clears, because it's bound to be a doozie.

The "quick Quick QUICK!!"
In this instance, your dog KNOWS it almost poo time. He's tried to warn you (or gotten too caught up in his game of fetch to stop and attempt a warning) and now it's time to GO!! If you don't take him outside immediately, he's going to be laying some fertilizer on your living room carpet, and I don't imagine you'd like to plant a flower in this stuff. Usually, this one is coupled with a nervous run to the nearest door, but squeezed, and tail pointing straight down, covering the hole. You must act quickly - there's NO TIME!!

Well, there are many more. But these are Austin's favorites. Please do share your personal experiences with us (and if it's about your husband, instead of Fido, please do feel free to call him Spot in order to save face... eh... butt... ha ha)

FYI - I am apparently not the only on who suffers from said problem - someone has ACTUALLY invented something called a "Farty Dog Thong". Check it:

Word to your mother.



April E. :) said...

Seriously...that had me CRACKING up out loud...i would like to add the "Open mouth insert EWWWW" - This is when the dog is quietly seated on your lap, or maybe lying quietly next to you...and as you sit or lie there, mouth agap...and then in it comes...and you can taste it! You distinctivly blame the nastiness on the creature lovingly staring up at you saying, "Oh my bad mom, did you have your mouth open?"


- Sarah :-) said...

HA HA HA - oh my word... that's SOOO nasty.

"That ain't sulfur!! I know what sulfur smells like - that ain't no sulfur!"

Many Titles said...

I wish I had a dog so i could tell some awesome great story here... but alas no puppy. But I do have a husband and unfortunately he does them all. Its easier though to forgive the dog than the man=)

- Sarah :-) said...

Oh my word, Brittany... you had me ROLLING on that one! That is TOO funny!!