Tuesday, May 6, 2008

Colorful Christianity.

Imagine with me, if you will - that all things worldly actually became entirely Christian and God centered (well, not entirely, but hang in there... it'll make sense soon). Before you start thinking that things will get boring, please know I submit that it cannot!! (Referencing Brian Raegan - good times... good times)

We couldn't do away with movies, the arts, or sports becuase even these things are Godly... well they can be if done right, right? But does that mean that "no one loses"? *insert soft=spoken Sunday School teacher voice saying "we're all winners with Jesus" here*. But what about those "grey areas"? The things that people argue as to whether or not they are really sports. Examples: Dance, Cheerleading, Golf, Wrestling, etc. I am not saying whether or not things examples are sports (PLEASE don't jump all over me for this one!), but just think about it... let's evaluate, shall we?

Dance is only Godly to some denominations - Lord knows in the pentacostal world that you can move and bop your head and arms until the cows-a-come home, but the minute your hips start moving, even in the slightest undeliberate motion, you have been posessed with the demon spirit of sexuality and must be fervently prayed over for immediate forgiveness and redemption (imagine what happens if you start doing it on purpose GASP!!! *suddenly lightheaded* LORD SAVE US ALL!). And in some churches, if you do more than a two-step-clap, you're just going straight to Hell! Do not pass go... do not collect your filthy 200 demon dollars. Do not touch the sweet, poor little old lady seated near you who now thinks she may have come down with a bad case of the devil after sitting within your sin-infested row of chairs.

Cheerleading. Now I don't think it woudl be possible to count just how many Church Softball, Basketball, Flag football, Ultimate Frisbee, etc, teams there are out there. BUT... what about church Cheerleading squads? Flash back for me, if you will, to those glorious Youth camp days of "Give me a 'J'. JAAAYYY You got your J you got your J..." and tell me you didn't get to clapping and throwing up those arms just WISHING someone else would do a cartwheel so that you could break into the splits without feeling foolish! You wanted to and you know it. Why do I think there aren't any Christian Cheerleading squads? Because those ungodly short floosy-skirts show thigh! What were those people thinking letting their children prance around in "elongated-belts-mistaken-for-skirts" and kicking their legs up high enough to show the world their little underoos! (PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE tell eme you are seeing right through my incredibly thick layer of sarcasm on that last sentence. If not, please cease and desist the reading of my blog.)

Now on to Golf. There's no question as to whether or not this is a God-filled use of time. You must use patience in lining up a shot, selecting the right golf club, and looking for your ball. You have to learn to be "seen-and-not-heard" with the quiet setting necessary for the serious concentration required in this game. And then, finally, there's encourageing each other with meek, soft clapping and admiration when a putt is complete. However, with the potty mouths on some golfers these days *COUGHtigerwoodsCOUGH*, it's no wonder to me why anyone hasn't thought of this concept of Christian golf sooner.

Finally - my mind lands on Wrestling (please note what is written on the "hiney" of the man in the picture... I did not photoshop this picture) and I can't help but go back again to my younger, youth camp days. I really just want to paint a mental picture for you all, if I can. Imagine with me the following scene - it's dark... but loud. You hear cheering, but can't make out what's being said. Suddenly a spot light appears, shining STRAIGHT down to the middle of the giant arena. A microphone is hanging by a wire from the cieling. It grows almost completely silent, and finally a well dressed man, with slicked back hair and a red bow-tie descends into the beaming light. He holds the Microphone, turns his head and clears his throat... and without hesitation yells "LET'S GET READY TO RUMMBLLEEEEE!" Queue 15 circling mutli-colored spot lights chasing around the arena, and appropriately loud and catchy music (with no words... just rocking guitars and blaring bass, not forgetting the randomly inserted guitar solo). The noise and uninterpretable cheering returns, louder now. After good "pump up" crowd session, a stage seems to appear on the right wall, with a ramp coming from the front of it, and leading all the way to a large ring in the middle of the arena.

The voice returns, but no spotlight on the speaker this time. "Ladies and Gentleman... He's 6ft 4 and weighing in at 250 lbs. In one corner... the Red Letter Revelator!!" Cheers erupt from the crowd, and out walks a man, somehow already sweating bullets, as if he just returned from a 5hr Ty-Bo session at the local Gold's Gym. He's dressed in Red and Cream colored shorts, almost tight enough to expose what "God has given him" and turns sideways to fit through an unnaturally small doorway, as if to enhance his size and draw attention to his tattoo of praying hands on his left shoulder-blade. He walks slowly, prayerfully, down the ramp and into the ring, and televangelist preachers anoint him and lay hands on him before the fight begins.

Then the anouncer returns, and this time... "Ladies and Gentleman... They average 3ft 7 and average about 85 lbs. In the other corner... Kings' Kids!!" Out step about 5 Easter-Sunday-dressesd children, complete with big white hats for the girls, and 3 piece suits and ties for the boys. The stand in an arrow formation and march to the ring like the Church Mouse Children's Choir following Charity the Church Mouse on stage.

Just before the fight begins... the kids step up and it all become something of a "Stomp the Yard" style Jesus dancing competition, perhaps called "Stomp the Dark". The kids begin (echoing each other after each line). "God....(God). God's word... (God's word). God's word is powerful and mighty...(God's word is powerful and mighty). Altogether now: Beat that big bad Devil with a Bible Verse!" Stomping and jumping/flipping is of course a given. Now, up steps the Red Letter Revelator, and his goes something like this - "God is good, all the time... all the time... God is good" and starts the insanely awesome stopming and dance moves, complete with the pyramid piling televangelists that accompanied him into the arena. End round 1.

Round 2? I'll let you paint that picture for yourself. But I will say this... before it begins... there's a bit of holy trash-talking. From the kids? It's something like "Get thee behind me!!" and then from the Revelator... "Ooh... you're about to get Alpha'd and Omega'd!!" Aannnndddd queue actual fist fighting (you're now probably picturing the kids jumping all over the Red Letter Revelator, making him almost impossible to see). No worries, though, ladies and gentleman. Becuase as soon as the fight begins, the JUDGE steps in, and in a big booming God-voice says "My children... love one another." All hug... tears begin pouring out... and we all start singing "Friends are friends forever", holding hands, and swaying... all over the arena.

OKAY - I'm done...

That was fun. But I bet you really enjoyed your mental CWE (Christian Wrestling Entertainment) visuals!

I have to give a big shout out to the blog Stuff Christians Like for the inspiration. He's good times... check out the site and you'll love it. I promise. And I also promise to keep my mental visuals to a minimum and to more summarize them, rather than totally spell them out in the future.

My bad y'all... My bad.

PS: What's in YOUR bible cover?! :-P (Okay, so I stole that one from the credit card commercials, but really... what translation Bible do you read/favor?)

**disclaimer - when writing this blog, I had no idea that there actually was a Christian Wrestling Federation. I apologize for any offense. And to mend this... I post your link ~> Christian Wrestling Federation


April E. :) said...

You are TOO much...and YES that was random...and FO'SHO you need a time out from Stufffchristianslike.blogspot.com.

I enjoy the NIV and Message Translations ma'am.

Anonymous said...

I would like to thank Sarah Puhl for preventing me from doing work for hours, By introducing me to Stuffchristians Like.


Melody said...

Oh that was amazing. I love the Brian Regan reference...
hey there buckaroo...
my names not buckeroo!
Sure it is...partner...
And someday when finals are over I do intend to finish my court room story.