Thursday, February 19, 2009

Serious Pill, 20mg

As many of you know, I'm QUITE fond of music. Okay, that's like the understatement of the century, but you get it, so we'll just move on from there.

I recently bought the new Kari Jobe CD on iTunes and am currently LOVING it. I want to meet her. No seriously, I want to meet her, and have coffee (or something) with her and just get to talk to her. In some ways, she's teaching me SO much, but I've never met her. Wow - I sound like a weird stalker, right now. Let me essplain...

We all learn in our own ways. For me, music is a GREAT source of wisdom and inspiration. Maybe because I'm WAY into music and that's kind've my "thing" but whatever... it just is. And as someone who's sang practically her whole life, and even now getting more involved in music, I am still learning SO much.

I've been blogging about my song-writing attempts more and more, lately, so I'm letting you in on a little bit of me - why not a little more, eh?

I have this screwed up cookie-cutter vision of what worship music is supposed to be. I hear songs that aren't quite there, and I kind've write them off. Or I think to myself "maybe if they'd done this, then it would've been more..." whatever... I don't know. But I don't do it a WHOLE lot to other people's music. When it comes to mine, though, I am WAY WAY WAY critical and over-analytical and just - YIKES about it.

And with that I must add - I'm an idiot.

Worship isn't a "style" of music. It's not a certain song. And it doesn't have to be "done" in a certain setting or building. (I could go off on a tangent about how worship is life and our lives are supposed to just be worship, right now, but that's not the point of this blog, so I'll get back to the point I'm tyring to make.)

I've been anxiously awaiting the release of Kari Jobe's new CD since I found out, late last year, that there would even be one. She's got SUCH an anointed voice, and she's just an amazing songwriter, among other things. In a lot of ways, I look up to her, though, again, I've never even met her.

When I finally bought her CD on iTunes, this week, I immediately set my iPod to play her whole CD over and over in the car. So anytime I'm in there, that's what I'm listening to. At first, as much as I loved the CD and her voice, I kept thinking "Man, this isn't quite and 'worshipful' as I thought it was going to be..." It's more like this solo-album meets worship album, kind of thing. Then I kept listening. A LOT of the songs (not including the ones that have already been out a while, like "Revelation Song", "No Sweeter Name", and "Healer") are amazing and a number of them would we great to do as worship songs at church. Then the more familiar I got with the CD, and the more I got to the point where I could sing along, the more I'm lost in this CD!

I'm being stretched, and I'm not even the one singing. It's a CD that I'm listening to, and I'm learning (wow - I sound like SUCH a whack-nut, right now!) so much. The biggest thing I've learned, this far, happened when I started listening to her version of "Healer."

If any of you have heard the song before, it's SUCH an amazing song! But there's actually a LOT of stuff that goes with it. Some of you may have heard about all of the "drama" surrounding the song, but in a nutshell: this song was written by someone who was belly-up in sin, at the time. Now, I'm not hear to carry along the string of gossip - that's what google's for - but I bring that up to make a point. Even when something is born out of the worst of circumstances, God can turn it around for SO much good! So many people and churches and families have been touched by this song, even through the mistakes of a single man. That is SO powerful, in itself, but there's even more...

When I first heard her version, I just thought it was so cool to hear a chick singing it. There are lots of versions out there, right now, but I have had YET to hear a girl sing it. It was refreshing. It was really cool. And it was SUCH a slap in the face!

Remember how I said that I have this cookie-cutter vision of what worship music is supposed to be? Yeah. Well one of the pieces of that, for me, is how once a song is done - that's it. That's how it's supposed to be done. It's supposed to sound like that when you do it, too. (I told you I'm kind've screwed up, didn't I?) Kari Jobe is know for her pure-sounding and amazing voice, but this song was originally sung by someone who's voice is more... well... booming? Manly? I dunno... I'm not a thesaurus here, people. All I know is it was WAY different when I heard her singing it. But then I listened to it again, and it caught me off guard.

I think when we hear a song a time or two, we learn the words... and we just sing along. It's such a powerful song and it's got SUCH a great melody. Not to mention that the dynamic of the song, along, can bring almost anyone to their knees. But that fades the more we hear it. It becomes another song that we know and can add to our book-o-song-knowledge. So when we sing it, we don't mean it anymore. "Oh, this song is about Healing. Healing is a great concept, but I don't have cancer or anything like that. Sure, I believe that my God can heal, but I just really like this song!"

If this blog were a TV show, I wouldn't have to tell you that this was just a dramatization. I'm sure not a single one of you has ever had that view on any song. No. We've all got it together all of the time and none of us ever makes that mistake. I must be the only one.

*blank stare*

I hope you're picking up the INTENSE sarcasm that I'm putting down, becuase we've ALL done it. And do it regularly without even realizing it.

Hearing Kari Jobe's version caused me to stop and listen tot he words again. This song isn't just about physical healing. It's SO about WAY more than that. The title might be Healer, but look at the rest of the words. If you take out the word Heal (**) or Healer (><) and read the rest of the song... it's about SO much more than that.

Check it:

"You hold my every moment.
You calm my raging seas.
You walk with me through fire.
You ** all my disease.

I trust in you.
I trust in you.

I believe You're my ><.
I believe You are all I need.
I believe You're my portion.
I believe You're more than enough for me.
Jesus you're all I need.

Nothing is impossible for You.
Nothing is impossible.
Nothing is impossible for You.
For You hold My world in Your hands."

If I could verbally speak these words to you and emphasize the point I'm trying to drive home, it would be MUCH easier. But there is quite a limit to what you can relay in a blog. But don't worry - I'm still going to try. I'd never let you off that easily.

Do you really think, during the firestorms in your life, that he's walking with you? Do you really rest in that peace? Let me be honest, and hopefully you will to. I don't. I say I know he's there, but all I can feel are the flames. I know what we're "supposed" to feel, but that's not what I really feel. And when I don't have a clue what the next step is that I'm supposed to take - sure, I'll tell myself that "God ordains my every step" but I don't really feel it. As much as I pray "God give me direction", I've still got my foot out check all of the rocks around me to feel which one is the sturdiest. I'm not giving it to him like I say I am - I just know that I'm supposed to.

When it looks like I'm going to drown in my own sorrow or my own sing or my own doubt, it's easy to scream out "God help me!" but do I believe that he will? Or do I keep crying out in fear and helplessness and preparing myself for the lack of air?

Do I really trust in him? Do I trust in him enough to say it twice? Back to back, like in the song? I mean - when you believe something, and you are firm enough to say it twice... you don't hesitate. And it sounds really pretty in this song, but would I say it over and over again out loud to myself? Or to someone that's on the verge of death? Or to someone that's neck up in something out of their control that's still pulling them down?

This isn't that fun little trust game you played in youth camp where you crossed our arms over your chest, closed your eyes and fell backwards. This is life. This is God.

Do I really believe that God is all I need? Or do I still worry about what kind of car I'm driving or what kind of shoes I'm wearing? Do I believe the HE is my portion? That that I don't need any little side-helpings of something else to go along with it? Do I believe that He is MORE than enough for me? That he's overly supplying for me and I'm overflowing with him? Do I really believe that?

The biggest part, to me, is the Bridge. I was caught off guard in this song because I worry SO MUCH about everything. I look at what I feel God is calling me to do, and then I keep thinking "Well, I don't have any training in that. I have no degree. Where do I even begin? What do I even do to start heading in that direction? Which way IS that direction?" Or even worse, yet "I'm not quite as good as that person. They have more talent and more knowledge that I do. I cold never qualify to do something like this."

NOTHING is impossible for You.
NOTHING is impossible.
NOTHING is impossible for You.
You hold my WORLD in Your hands!

What is wrong with me? Why can I say it. And try over and over again to convince myself that I believe it, but then that split second that my faith in this is put to the test, I'm nervous and worried and second guessing EVERYthing. How jacked up is that?

And it doesn't matter that other people are affirming some of this stuff. All of my LIFE they've been affirming this stuff. Even outside of where I've seeked it out. Even when my mind is no where NEAR this topic. I've had people take something that I mean for something else and turn it around to affirm me, because God KNOWS that I need it. He's done everything to lead me up to this point in my life. And I STILL question whether or not He holds my every moment. Whether or not HE calms my raging seas and walks with me through fire. And even though it is this huge slap in His amazing face, He stops to reassure me ONE more time.

Some of you are in "Whoa" mode, as in "Whoa, it is NOT that serious, Sarah." But it is. How could it not be that serious? I say the right things and say that I believe it's all Him, but then I trip myself over my lack of confidence and a need for petty "qualifications".

God called Moses, a man with a friggin' speech impediment, to go before Pharoah and ORDER him... with his voice... the voice that wasn't perfect... the voice that people probably made fun of... the voice that wasn't perfect!! ... and HE was the one that ordered the ruler of that nation to follow God's command and set the Isrealites free. He used a man with the opposite of qualifications to do this. God used a man's biggest source of anxiety and humiliation to do his will. So then why do I still question things and worry so much and make so many STUPID EXCUSES?!?!

It's time to be real, people. Say nothing, if you can't admit to being just as guilty at one time or another. OR you can be vulnerable and talk about where you're screwing up JUST as much.

Or - if that's to big of a pill for you to swallow, tell me how the song "Healer" has impacted you.

**Haven't heard the song, yet? Go check it out. The original is by PlanetShakers, and Kari Jobe's version is also amazing.**


Megan said...

Hey girl!! Thanks so much for your comment on my blog! Do not even think for a minute you 'barged' in! Come back anytime. It sounds like God is really teaching you a lot right now! So cool!! I LOVE the new Kari Jobe CD and I have been singing Healer all day. Funny story: Kari led worship for my youth group when I was in high school. I became friends with her and she is just as sweet as she seems. Now, that was years ago and she would probably have no idea who I am now - but I think its cool! :-) I hope you have a great weekend! I agree with you, she is truly annointed.