Worry Warts

I recently wrote an article for our Women's Ministry eNewsletter. Just wanted to share it with you guys, as well.


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“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”
Jeremiah 29:11


As women, we worry a lot. In fact, some of us could make a pretty successful career out of it. For the most part, we think we have a pretty good reason to worry. We feel justified and call it “concern.” Justified or not, concerned or not – the fact is we let it consume us to the point of constant worrying.

We worry about every aspect of our lives. We worry about our husbands, kids, and home. We worry about our cars, jobs, and finances. We worry about our hair, wardrobe, and weight. Ultimately, worry about our past, present, and future. Why do we do this to ourselves? We were created to be caring and nurturing, but somehow we’ve turned it into controlling and worrying about anything and everything.

Take another look at that list. What do you notice? It’s all about possession. They’re my kids – I’m supposed to worry about them. He’s my husband… It’s my house… It’s my future… But ladies, Psalms 100:3 says “Know that the LORD is God. It is He who made us, and we are His; we are His people, the sheep of His pasture.” [emphasis added] By allowing ourselves to worry about all of these things, we’re claiming them as our own. When we cling so closely to those things in our lives that feel so important, we’re not allowing God, in his sovereignty, to hold them close. We regularly say we trust Him. We sing songs about how we’ve given our lives to Him – our whole lives – and yet, within ourselves, we find it necessary to hold on to bits and pieces that we feel most connected to or responsible for.

These things that we care about most; these people that we care about the most – we’re picking them up as if we are a small child that thinks it’s strong enough to carry something heavy by itself. And just as that child pulls away when you try to help, we’re pulling ourselves farther from God, and saying, “God, I know You’re good and perfect. I know You created them with Your own hands, but I can do it. I can take it from here.” And God, in his gentleness, let’s us try. We struggle, grunt, and strain to do it on our own, but ultimately we’re not successful. So we worry.

Other than a headache and countless other health problems, excessive worrying gets us no where. Matthew 6:27 says “Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?” There is no benefit associated with worry. Not one.

Each time we worry, we’re turning our back on the God who loves us. Instead of entrusting him with every ounce of our lives, we’re taking the reins. We’re so consumed with “possibilities” and “maybes” and the thought of “what if” that we have caused ourselves to sin. We’re sinning when we’re focusing on these things rather than God, just as an adulterer turns her attention on her lover, rather than her groom. That sin then pulls us even farther from God and, before we realize what has happened, we’re caught in this deep pit of worry.

Even in that moment… in that pit, God, in His mercy, loves us still. He doesn’t just leave us there to figure things out, but He picks us up, dusts us off, and tells us to cast our cares onto Him. Not only does He forgive us for worrying, but He actually offers to carry the load FOR us! Psalms 55:22 says “Cast your cares on the Lord, and He will sustain you; He will never let the righteous fall.” When we do that, the worries, the concerns, the anxieties no longer weigh us down, and we’re free to live the life he’s designed for us.

The next time you feel overwhelmed with concern or find yourself worrying excessively, remember that He has a plan and a purpose for you. He’s on your side! He won’t harm you, but has promised you hope and a future. And at the end of the day, he’s the only one who knows what it is, so why bother worrying about it when the very creator of our existence is waiting, arms opened to us, and willing to have us walk through it together.

Decisions, Decisions

So I've recently been presented with a few decisions that need to be made, and it's forcing me to really evaluate where I am, right now.

For those of you who have read fairly regularly, you know the McStudly and I are really involved in our church. We love it! I really wish, most of the time, that I could get paid to do that instead of working at the full-time job I have (though I do actually enjoy that, as well). Ah well... one can dream, right?!

Anywho, I was recently approached about becoming more (or perhaps just a tad differently and a bit more frequently) involved in one of the areas that I thoroughly enjoy. And in actuality, it was literally a dream come true... as in - I had a dream about it a week or so ago. Crazy, right?! Yeah. I thought so, too. And when this person told me the other night that they had something they wanted to talk to me about, my thoughts went to this dream. Of course, being of the female persuasion and all, my thoughts then quickly went to "am I in trouble?" or "what did I do?!", but I was assured I was not in trouble at all... though I was still a bit anxious about it (who wouldn't be?!).

I said I'd talk to McStudly about it, since it involved more of a time commitment and I"m already pretty spread in several different directions (which actually caused them to almost not ask me at all, because they knew I was so busy. Nice, eh?).

So, basically, I've been thinking about it a lot. Like a LOT lot. I'm not one to believe in these kinds of coincidences as purely random, but more like purposeful. Does that make sense?! Between the dream, and thinking this was what it would be about... and then actually being right. I dunno - call me crazy!


But here's where I struggle. Remember I said I'm already pretty spread in several different directions? Yeah. As in here's what I do on any given week: Sunday morning: church (sometimes both services). Sunday evening: Underground (Young Adults). Monday: free (woohoo!). Tuesday: worship practice. Wednesday: church early for prep and then helping with Fusion (Youth service). Thursday: Pregnancy clinic training. Friday: free (hopefully date-night). Saturday: who knows... cleaning, laundry (yeah right, ha!), sleeping in!!!

I'm not insanely busy, I suppose, but keep in mind that Tuesday - Thursday activities are not including McStudly. He isn't involved int he worship team, or youth, or the pregnancy clinic. So we see each other before and after, but it's kind've like ships passing in the night. Also, there are monthly meetings involved (sometimes multiple) with all of these ministries, so they usually take up another night or two, here and there, so it's ends up being one packed month after another.


I say all of this to get to my point, I suppose. Making this change means that I need to make a sacrifice somewhere else. That's why this isn't a "Well, of course!" kind of a thing, right now.

Sidenote: On top of that, the McStud and I have been having a very... trying week (we all have them - you know where you just keep butting heads and/or missing each other and it's juts rough all around?! Yeah. That kind.), so that hasn't really helped, much.


I really want to do this, but I don't know how I feel about stepping down in the other areas I'm involved in. It's not easy. It's going to take a lot of thought and prayer, as well as discussion with the hubster before a decision is reached.

FYI: in case you're wondering, it's not like I'll be moving to Africa, or anything, so you may think I'm making a bigger deal out of this than I need to (not that you know what it is, or anything), but to me, it's personally a hard decision.


I just feel torn, I guess is the best way to put it. I'm involved in all of these ministries because of various reasons, but mainly because I have a heart to be there. So it's not like I could just drop it like a bad habit and move on to something else, ya know?! It's hard to see something that seems so right just out of your reach, and you have to let go of something else to get to it... sometimes more than one "something else", like in my case - I feel like letting go of just one thing won't really change anything or make extra time or add less stress, but that it would take letting go of two things just for the 1.


Am I babbling? Or hopefully I'm at least making a little teenie bit of sense in here, somewhere?!


Maybe blogging about it is helping me to feel like I'm working things out. Pen to paper (or fingers to keyboard, in this case) can really help me sort out my thoughts, sometimes.


All I know is with all that went before this - the dream, kind've seeing it coming (does it sound bad to say that?! It feels like it sounds really snobby and braggadocios - Ooh... HUGE points for using that word in a blog on a Friday!!), and then actually hearing it. I don't know - call me crazy, but I feel like this is where God wants me. And on top of all that, I've already been trying to stretch myself in this area. I mean... McStudly and I have had many a conversation about it and my trying to better myself and step out of my comfort zone (that could be a whole other blog in itself!), and then this happens. So is it weird of me to think that all of this is playing a part in the bigger picture, somehow? I just can't shake the feeling.


And maybe that's why I feel so compelled to lean in this direction, while knowing that it'll take some sacrifice to get there.


Could that be the point? I trust God. I really do. But am I the only one that still questions things... even the things I really feel that he's leading me towards? What is WRONG with me?!?!


Why do we do this? We hold so tight onto the things that we know. The things that are familiar. the things we're comfortable with... even though we know that God has bigger and better plans for us to move on to.


It's like I know what I need to do, but I worry too much about actually doing it. Or I feel like I'll be letting someone down or putting someone else in a bad spot by stepping down and/or out of the other ministries.


*lightbulb moment*

Hang on a second... is that maybe a form of pride?! Do I somehow, without realizing it, hold myself so highly that I think the other people... the other ministries can't do without me? Ouch. Talk about a public realization of fault, man. I'm discovering, openly, on my blog that I'm dealing with pride in an area I had no idea was there. This blog post is getting heavier and heavier the more I type.

Sidenote: Am I the only one that is doing this? Is there any chance that maybe you guys are dealing with similar forms of pride? I mean... God can do the impossible. We sing it. We say it. We may shout it from time to time. But then there's that dang old box, again, and we think that he can't carry on a ministry without use. Ouch ouch OUCH! Please be honest... I feel like I may be the only one, right now, and that's not making me feel so good. :-(


Wow. I need to deal with that. Like yesterday! And I think that, maybe, I just made my decision. ??


Of course I'll be talking to McStudly about it more (we actually get to SEE each other tonight. Squeea!) and praying about it a little more, but can I ask you a HUGEmongous favor?? Can you all pray for me, too? For both the decision, and now, apparently, my subconscious issues with pride, too?



Gesh... why is humility so difficult that you don't even realize you are missing it, most of the time?! I'm missing the mark and somehow I feel like I'm still shooting straight. Ugh!!



Well, I've carried on long enough, and given you enough of a Serious Pill for this Friday. Hope it wasn't too big to swallow, and that you'll be honest enough with yourself (...and possibly the rest of us?!) to do it. I'm going to go get to work on "fixing" myself. Thank God for his unconditional grace, cause Lord knows I need it!!


Hope you all have a great weekend, and I'd LOVE to hear how you guys feel about what I said. And just so you know, I'm not typically one of those planner kind of bloggers. I really was just figuring this whole thing out as I typed... I'm working on being as genuine as possible (it's part of my pregnancy clinic training), and I feel this might be the best way to keep myself real (it's awfully safe here, behind this computer).



Anywho, take care and I'll catch you on the flipside!






Toodles! :-)

You Can Stand Under My Umbrella

SO we're finally home. McStudly was discharged yesterday from the hospital and was super excited to finally sleep in his own bed, last night, next to his wonderful, amazing, totally awesome wife *cough cough*. And he missed his dog a little bit, too (understatement of the century). It was a very happy reunion, folks.


So the Doc "feels strongly" that it's Crohns' Disease. The biopsies from Friday's Colonoscopy came back "inconclusive", but she said that's not uncommon for Crohns' patients. There's one final test they are waiting on, and here's the thing: if it's negative, it won't rule out Crohns', but if it's positive, it'll pretty much point all fingers in that direction. Let's hope we just get some more answers. We don't like getting a "probably" diagnosis. We aren't the kind of people that just want "a" diagnosis... we'd rather get "the" diagnosis, even if it's "we don't have a clue", though that would totally suck.

I'm exhausted. I can hardly say he's exhausted, but he is tired of all the drama of this past week. Poor guy's got thoughts flying a mile-a-minute in that gorgeous skull of his... and so many questions.


The kicker? We have to decide by Friday is he's going to re-enlist. You see - he's been working tons of job leads for the past two months. Some have fallen, some have re-appeared, and some have been going strong. But a few of them needed him to get some information to him this past week... and then this happened. So we're kind've in limbo as to where they sit, and also if it even matters.

The thing we've learned about Crohns' is that it's pretty unpredictable, at best. You can have a mild to severe case, but it can change. So you may have a mild case this year and then next year it's severe. Or, you can go into remission and not have a relapse for 30 years. So... we're still learning. Our biggest concern is it's impact on employment. We've read that it can make a difference in some areas. Depending on how severe of a case it is, of course. And the 10 pills he's currently taking a day (which is supposed to be 18, if they can figure out how he can take this other medicine... we'll get to that later) for a mild case of Crohns' disease would be WAY expensive without Tri-Care covering it. Not to mention what could happen in a normal job if he has a flare-up like this one, where he was in the hospital for 5 days.

It seems that re-enlisting is the most reasonable option. And it's not awful, just not necessarily what McStudly wanted to do. And I want him to be happy - cause when McStudly's happy, I'm happy... and Austin McDog is pretty easy to please either way, but it still helps.


The worst part, at least for the next 3 weeks, is the pills. McStudly has NEVER been able to take pills. NE-VER! Since he was a child. His father even put him in the bathroom, once, and told him he couldn't come out until he swallowed them. He sat in there for hours. It didn't happen. McStudly was sad. But that means that now - we have to buy everything in Chewable or liquid form. And I guess they don't make Flagyl in an orange flavored, chewable tablet... or any of his other meds, for that matter. So we have to crush them all up in applesauce or Chocolate pudding. We may try oatmeal, too, but that's still up in the air.

The Doctor prescribed something called Pentasa, which is a common Crohns' medication. The problem? It's an Extended Release (ER) tablet and, well, he can't take pills! Crushing an ER tablet just makes the whole "timed release" aspect null and void. In all fairness to the Doc, she didn't know he can't take pills. In all fairness to us, if she had given us more than a split-friggin-second of her TIME then we could've TOLD her!! (different rant for a different post, I suppose...) So we talked to the Physicians' Assistant (PA) - who was AWESOME,by the way - and she did what she could, but wasn't able to find another form of the medicine. So she recommended we talk to the Pharmacist about similar meds that may work. Well, he came up with another ER tablet (super helpful, sir!) and one non-ER tablet (hooray!) which we called the PA back about... etc, etc.

So the Doc just decided she wanted to call the people who make Pentasa and see if it would be alright for McStudly to just spill the contents of the pill and take it that way... obviously making it no-longer ER, but still giving him the meds. Once we hear back on that one, we'll be adding at least 8 more pills to the daily mix, and possibly more - because he has to take 1000mg 4 times a day, so it'll just depend on what dosage they give him.


Whew! That's a lot! We're still considering getting a second opinion, but that would be the military, so it may not even be worth it... then again, the guy he saw last time was pretty good, so it may not be bad after-all.


So - question for all you mil-wives out there: any idea how/if Crohns' can affect eligibility for enlistment? Or if he'll be deployable? We're pretty sure an auto-immune disease would make some kind of impact, but we're hoping not, if it's under control by meds, etc.

Anywho, prayers are greatly appreciated. Thoughts are pretty much just as good, and encouragement would be wonderful! McStudly went from being completely healthy - never sick a day in his LIFE (literally, I believe) to now having a disease that will be with him for the rest of his life. It's life-changing, for him. Not that he felt invincible before, but it's kind've a wake-up call to someone who's taken advantage of their health for so long... maybe even a reminder to those of you who are doing the same?



Well, I want to thank all of you for your warm encouraging comments and your help (Kristin - THANKS for the advice about the C. Diff diagnosis!!). You've been so great to us and we appreciate all of your support. Now - hopefully we'll be able to have some more upbeat posts in the near future, instead of this depressing medical drama.

I'll leave you with the lyrics to a very well-known song that's been in my head for the past week. I think it sums up an aspect marriage the that it's supposed to be, and I love it - so far every version I've heard is great, but the version I like right now is actually Mandy Moore's mellow-er version (hang in there... it gets good in the middle). Check it out if you get the chance - it's NOT the original, not even close, but it's pretty awesome. Anyways, here are the lyrics:


"You have my heart
And we'll never be worlds apart
Maybe in magazines
But you'll still be my star
Baby cause in the dark
Who can see shiny cars
That's when you need me there
With you I'll always share
Because...

When the sun shines We'll shine together
Told you I'll be here forever
Said I'd always be your friend
Took an oath I'mma stick it out 'till the end
Now that it's raining more than ever
Told you we'll still have each other
You can stand under my Umbrella
You can stand under my Umbrella (Ella ella eh eh)
Under my umbrella (Ella eh eh)

These fancy things
Will never come in between
You're my entity
Here for Infinity
When the war has took it's part
When the world has dealt it's cards
If the hand is hard
Together we'll mend your heart
Because...

When the sun shines We'll shine together
Told you I'll be here forever
Said I'd always be your friend
Took an oath I'mma stick it out 'till the end
Now that it's raining more than ever
Told you we'll still have each other
You can stand under my Umbrella
You can stand under my Umbrella (Ella ella eh eh)
Under my umbrella (Ella ella eh eh)
Under my umbrella (Ella ella eh eh)
Under my umbrella

You can run into my Arms
That's okay don't be alarmed
Come into Me
There's no distance in between our love
Gonna let the rain pour
I'll be all you need and more ooohh
Because...

When the sun shines We'll shine together
Told you I'll be here forever
Said I'll always be your friend
I Took an oath I'mma stick it out 'till the end
Now that it's raining more than ever
Told you we still have each other
You can stand under my Umbrella
You can stand under my Umbrella (Ella ella eh eh eh)
Under my umbrella (Ella ella eh eh eh)
Under my umbrella (Ella ella eh eh eh)
Under my umbrella (Ella ella eh eh eh)

It's raining (raining)
Ooo baby it's raining (raining)
Come into me
Come into me
It's raining (raining)
Ooo baby it's raining (raining)
Come into me
Come into me"



I love you, baby! Forever and ever. 143

Toodles!

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PS: I really am going to send out those Pay-It-Forward gifts. Things have been a tad-bit crazy, lately. I hope you can understand!!

Habits

There's been a lot of stuff going on around me, lately. And this time, I'm talking of things OTHER than my home, etc. I mean... within good friends, within family ... it's been quite a few months.

I've learned a few things that I'd like to share with you. Some of it has been told to me and some of it has been realized. It's in no particular order, but all of it is important and relevant.


You can't see the shadow of your own light, for it hides behind the very obstacles you cannot see around. For some of us, these obstacles are obvious... for some of us, they aren't. They can be our pride. They can be our material items. They can be our attitudes and stubbornness. And they can even be our decisions or mistakes. But we all have a tendency to believe we have the best view there is. And from where you're standing, that may be true. The important thing to remember is there's someone else with a view that you don't have - and they may see that dead end around the corner that you can't see from where you are.

Instinct is to think you're fine. You can see perfectly well, from here, and what do they know? Well, often times they know more than you think. You think that your perspective is better because you're been driving down this road of life longer, or because you've been down that turn before. But things change. And the people you think you're "better" than often have some bits of information that you don't have.

1 Timothy 4:12 says "Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity." Often times, we don't even acknowledge the latter of the verse, because we've already written people due to their age or inexperience... or for simply not being "you".


We often judge others by their words or actions, while judging ourselves by our own intentions. Be honest. You totally do it. We ALL do. Because we know our intentions in certain situations where we can't possibly know someone else's. It's just easier to judge by their actions, isn't it? But that doesn't make it right. It's a really hard habit to break - I'm still catching myself on this one. But it's very important to remember.

Luke 6:41-42 says "41"Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? 42How can you say to your brother, 'Brother, let me take the speck out of your eye,' when you yourself fail to see the plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye."

It's so easy to judge others more harshly than ourselves - this person has an entire PLANK in his eye while he's worried about the little bitty speck in someone else's. Now that's messed up. But it's reality. Again - we all do it. It's just easier than having to pull out a mirror and deal with the pain of "de-planking" ourselves. Because it does hurt. It sucks. It's like throwing soap on a wound. You just avoid it, because no matter how much the wound itself hurts, you KNOW it'll hurt like 50x worse with the soap on it. Sure the soap will make it better and clean it out so it can heal, but it HURTS! Right?!

So we defend ourselves when people do it to us because "I was just trying to help" or "I didn't want it to get worse". But when we're doing it to someone else, it doesn't matter. It's black and white. The gray area that existed when we were the ones being pointed at no longer exists. It doesn't matter because they are wrong, end of story.



Ultimately, I guess I'm learning more and more about how easy it is to look down on people or judge people. But when we do that, we're putting ourselves above them. And then we have a false sense of humility to say that we're just "trying to help".

If you have a place of trust in someone's life, then you can speak into them and encourage them to better themselves. But if you don't, sticking your foot on their head and just starting to yank away will just make them angry, and you'll lose your chance to speak into them at all.



I encourage you guys to, within the coming weeks, evaluate yourself and see where you are. I know I'm gonna have to put a pillow on my rear with all the self-kicking I've done while writing this post, so you're not alone. And it's nobody's business but your own. That's the thing about self-evaluation... it's a private thing. Nobody needs to know your junk, but you will find that there are times when sharing your own junk may help someone with theirs.




Well, I know I'm guilty of it, so I need to go make some changes. If I'm the only one and this all seemed like rambling to you guys, well I apologize. But I think it helps me sometimes to put things in writing, before I see what it all means. Am I the only one that's like that??

Comfort Stalls

I was just thinking about something and it made me laugh. We are SUCH creatures of habit, aren't we? And though there are probably hundreds of thousands of examples of this fact, I just reminded myself of one as I went to the bathroom here at work.

Is it just me, or don't we all have a "usual" bathroom stall that we use? You KNOW that you do it, too. I mean sure, we can use any of the stalls that are available, barring them being completely nasty and un-flushed, that is. But we still tend to gravitate towards the same stall.

It's funny because anytime we walk into the bathroom and our one stall is occupied, it kind've stops us in our tracks for a brief second, doesn't it? We're on such autopilot that we practicaly walk into the bathroom without even looking up, but then are stopped at the sight of our stall's door closed in front of us.


Ha ha - it's just funny to me. Of course we shrug it off and move on to the cleanest stall closest to it, but just the fact that we always go the 3rd stall in (or whichever is your stall of choice) and then leave this "comfort stall" and proceed to the same particular sink everytime... it's just funny! Right?




Am I the only one with a comfort stall??

Serious Pill, 20mg

As many of you know, I'm QUITE fond of music. Okay, that's like the understatement of the century, but you get it, so we'll just move on from there.

I recently bought the new Kari Jobe CD on iTunes and am currently LOVING it. I want to meet her. No seriously, I want to meet her, and have coffee (or something) with her and just get to talk to her. In some ways, she's teaching me SO much, but I've never met her. Wow - I sound like a weird stalker, right now. Let me essplain...

We all learn in our own ways. For me, music is a GREAT source of wisdom and inspiration. Maybe because I'm WAY into music and that's kind've my "thing" but whatever... it just is. And as someone who's sang practically her whole life, and even now getting more involved in music, I am still learning SO much.

I've been blogging about my song-writing attempts more and more, lately, so I'm letting you in on a little bit of me - why not a little more, eh?

I have this screwed up cookie-cutter vision of what worship music is supposed to be. I hear songs that aren't quite there, and I kind've write them off. Or I think to myself "maybe if they'd done this, then it would've been more..." whatever... I don't know. But I don't do it a WHOLE lot to other people's music. When it comes to mine, though, I am WAY WAY WAY critical and over-analytical and just - YIKES about it.

And with that I must add - I'm an idiot.

Worship isn't a "style" of music. It's not a certain song. And it doesn't have to be "done" in a certain setting or building. (I could go off on a tangent about how worship is life and our lives are supposed to just be worship, right now, but that's not the point of this blog, so I'll get back to the point I'm tyring to make.)

I've been anxiously awaiting the release of Kari Jobe's new CD since I found out, late last year, that there would even be one. She's got SUCH an anointed voice, and she's just an amazing songwriter, among other things. In a lot of ways, I look up to her, though, again, I've never even met her.

When I finally bought her CD on iTunes, this week, I immediately set my iPod to play her whole CD over and over in the car. So anytime I'm in there, that's what I'm listening to. At first, as much as I loved the CD and her voice, I kept thinking "Man, this isn't quite and 'worshipful' as I thought it was going to be..." It's more like this solo-album meets worship album, kind of thing. Then I kept listening. A LOT of the songs (not including the ones that have already been out a while, like "Revelation Song", "No Sweeter Name", and "Healer") are amazing and a number of them would we great to do as worship songs at church. Then the more familiar I got with the CD, and the more I got to the point where I could sing along, the more I'm lost in this CD!

I'm being stretched, and I'm not even the one singing. It's a CD that I'm listening to, and I'm learning (wow - I sound like SUCH a whack-nut, right now!) so much. The biggest thing I've learned, this far, happened when I started listening to her version of "Healer."

If any of you have heard the song before, it's SUCH an amazing song! But there's actually a LOT of stuff that goes with it. Some of you may have heard about all of the "drama" surrounding the song, but in a nutshell: this song was written by someone who was belly-up in sin, at the time. Now, I'm not hear to carry along the string of gossip - that's what google's for - but I bring that up to make a point. Even when something is born out of the worst of circumstances, God can turn it around for SO much good! So many people and churches and families have been touched by this song, even through the mistakes of a single man. That is SO powerful, in itself, but there's even more...

When I first heard her version, I just thought it was so cool to hear a chick singing it. There are lots of versions out there, right now, but I have had YET to hear a girl sing it. It was refreshing. It was really cool. And it was SUCH a slap in the face!

Remember how I said that I have this cookie-cutter vision of what worship music is supposed to be? Yeah. Well one of the pieces of that, for me, is how once a song is done - that's it. That's how it's supposed to be done. It's supposed to sound like that when you do it, too. (I told you I'm kind've screwed up, didn't I?) Kari Jobe is know for her pure-sounding and amazing voice, but this song was originally sung by someone who's voice is more... well... booming? Manly? I dunno... I'm not a thesaurus here, people. All I know is it was WAY different when I heard her singing it. But then I listened to it again, and it caught me off guard.

I think when we hear a song a time or two, we learn the words... and we just sing along. It's such a powerful song and it's got SUCH a great melody. Not to mention that the dynamic of the song, along, can bring almost anyone to their knees. But that fades the more we hear it. It becomes another song that we know and can add to our book-o-song-knowledge. So when we sing it, we don't mean it anymore. "Oh, this song is about Healing. Healing is a great concept, but I don't have cancer or anything like that. Sure, I believe that my God can heal, but I just really like this song!"

If this blog were a TV show, I wouldn't have to tell you that this was just a dramatization. I'm sure not a single one of you has ever had that view on any song. No. We've all got it together all of the time and none of us ever makes that mistake. I must be the only one.

*blank stare*

I hope you're picking up the INTENSE sarcasm that I'm putting down, becuase we've ALL done it. And do it regularly without even realizing it.


Hearing Kari Jobe's version caused me to stop and listen tot he words again. This song isn't just about physical healing. It's SO about WAY more than that. The title might be Healer, but look at the rest of the words. If you take out the word Heal (**) or Healer (><) and read the rest of the song... it's about SO much more than that.


Check it:

"You hold my every moment.
You calm my raging seas.
You walk with me through fire.
You ** all my disease.

I trust in you.
I trust in you.

I believe You're my ><.
I believe You are all I need.
I believe You're my portion.
I believe You're more than enough for me.
Jesus you're all I need.

Nothing is impossible for You.
Nothing is impossible.
Nothing is impossible for You.
For You hold My world in Your hands."


If I could verbally speak these words to you and emphasize the point I'm trying to drive home, it would be MUCH easier. But there is quite a limit to what you can relay in a blog. But don't worry - I'm still going to try. I'd never let you off that easily.

Do you really think, during the firestorms in your life, that he's walking with you? Do you really rest in that peace? Let me be honest, and hopefully you will to. I don't. I say I know he's there, but all I can feel are the flames. I know what we're "supposed" to feel, but that's not what I really feel. And when I don't have a clue what the next step is that I'm supposed to take - sure, I'll tell myself that "God ordains my every step" but I don't really feel it. As much as I pray "God give me direction", I've still got my foot out check all of the rocks around me to feel which one is the sturdiest. I'm not giving it to him like I say I am - I just know that I'm supposed to.

When it looks like I'm going to drown in my own sorrow or my own sing or my own doubt, it's easy to scream out "God help me!" but do I believe that he will? Or do I keep crying out in fear and helplessness and preparing myself for the lack of air?

Do I really trust in him? Do I trust in him enough to say it twice? Back to back, like in the song? I mean - when you believe something, and you are firm enough to say it twice... you don't hesitate. And it sounds really pretty in this song, but would I say it over and over again out loud to myself? Or to someone that's on the verge of death? Or to someone that's neck up in something out of their control that's still pulling them down?

This isn't that fun little trust game you played in youth camp where you crossed our arms over your chest, closed your eyes and fell backwards. This is life. This is God.

Do I really believe that God is all I need? Or do I still worry about what kind of car I'm driving or what kind of shoes I'm wearing? Do I believe the HE is my portion? That that I don't need any little side-helpings of something else to go along with it? Do I believe that He is MORE than enough for me? That he's overly supplying for me and I'm overflowing with him? Do I really believe that?

The biggest part, to me, is the Bridge. I was caught off guard in this song because I worry SO MUCH about everything. I look at what I feel God is calling me to do, and then I keep thinking "Well, I don't have any training in that. I have no degree. Where do I even begin? What do I even do to start heading in that direction? Which way IS that direction?" Or even worse, yet "I'm not quite as good as that person. They have more talent and more knowledge that I do. I cold never qualify to do something like this."


NOTHING is impossible for You.
NOTHING is impossible.
NOTHING is impossible for You.
You hold my WORLD in Your hands!


What is wrong with me? Why can I say it. And try over and over again to convince myself that I believe it, but then that split second that my faith in this is put to the test, I'm nervous and worried and second guessing EVERYthing. How jacked up is that?

And it doesn't matter that other people are affirming some of this stuff. All of my LIFE they've been affirming this stuff. Even outside of where I've seeked it out. Even when my mind is no where NEAR this topic. I've had people take something that I mean for something else and turn it around to affirm me, because God KNOWS that I need it. He's done everything to lead me up to this point in my life. And I STILL question whether or not He holds my every moment. Whether or not HE calms my raging seas and walks with me through fire. And even though it is this huge slap in His amazing face, He stops to reassure me ONE more time.


Some of you are in "Whoa" mode, as in "Whoa, it is NOT that serious, Sarah." But it is. How could it not be that serious? I say the right things and say that I believe it's all Him, but then I trip myself over my lack of confidence and a need for petty "qualifications".


God called Moses, a man with a friggin' speech impediment, to go before Pharoah and ORDER him... with his voice... the voice that wasn't perfect... the voice that people probably made fun of... the voice that wasn't perfect!! ... and HE was the one that ordered the ruler of that nation to follow God's command and set the Isrealites free. He used a man with the opposite of qualifications to do this. God used a man's biggest source of anxiety and humiliation to do his will. So then why do I still question things and worry so much and make so many STUPID EXCUSES?!?!



It's time to be real, people. Say nothing, if you can't admit to being just as guilty at one time or another. OR you can be vulnerable and talk about where you're screwing up JUST as much.

Or - if that's to big of a pill for you to swallow, tell me how the song "Healer" has impacted you.








**Haven't heard the song, yet? Go check it out. The original is by PlanetShakers, and Kari Jobe's version is also amazing.**

Riddle Me This:

I think I need a trim.

Okay...

So I've been working on a song that's really been weighing heavy on me lately. But I'm WAY terrified to show it to anyone. I'm WAY over-critical of it and totally stabbing the life out of it.

I've written songs for years, now (something that, up until recently, most - if not all - of the people around me never knew), but I always come up with an excuse not to finish them or to put them away and not ever go back to them.

But then tell me why I still find myself singing them when I'm alone, sometimes... yeah... because I'm not fulfilling the whole idea of it.

There's a reason I am good with words and have a musical ear, right? But I'm just spitting in the sand and kicking rocks, all the while saying I'm not good enough to do it, or it's just too far out of my comfort zone.


Why won't I just get up off my butt and get real - this isn't about me. It never is. It never was!


I've been learning a lot, lately, and most of it is about what I'm doing wrong and what I've got to change. Honestly? That's what I need... I think we convince ourselves all the time 'ya know - We're doing alright. We're good people. We have good intentions. We're compassionate.'

That's not the point, though. That's what every Christian is to strive for. What in the world does that have to do with your individual purpose? Absolutely nothing.


So why do we just pacify ourselves with that? We're so alright just to lie to ourselves and live a simple little hunky-dory life that we totally miss the point.


This is about the second serious post I've posted in a row, but I am just there, right now, ya know? I am learning a lot, and finding out that all this time I've been putting down roots where they're not going to grow. It may hurt to pull them back up, but isn't that the point?


Through all of this, I've come to a sort of conclusion: I think I need a trim...


We've all heard about how we're supposed to bear fruit and how, in order for a vine to truly grow, it has to be pruned. Well, do you think pruning feels good? I submit that it does not!! (Just a little Brian Reagan for you. I needed to de-seriousify this post a bit ... and yes I'm well aware that "de-seriousify" is not a word, but who's counting?!)

In fact, a plant will actually die if you don't prune it. That's true. Go ahead and look it up. Check me - don't just take my word for it (not a good habit, people... don't just believe everything you hear).


I don't know about you, but I don't want to be some dead plant just taking up space and wasting away. Hence my need to pruning - I just need a little trim. You?





It's your turn - Where do you need to be pruned?

S-L-A-C-K-E-R

That's how you spell my name. Yep - I'm a slacker, and I know it.

Last week was Thanksgiving, so that's an excuse in itself. And I hurt my back Sunday evening playing Flag Football. So... there. That's another excuse.

I could go all day with excuses. I'm full of them! But I won't put you through that...


Kicking it down a "serious notch", or two... I'm a slacker in way more ways than in just the blogosphere. And I want to share it with you. I'm going to be real - some of it is going to sound weird. Some of it will sound normal. Some of it will sound confusing. But it's real. It's one of those "ah-hah!" moments I've had over the past few weeks and it's been getting stronger and clearer since the first time it slapped me across the face.


So here's the thing: do you ever get those gifts at Christmas that you kind've have to over-act grateful for? I mean don't get me wrong - you're totally appreciative that someone took the time and money to get you a gift and that means a lot in itself, but it's one of those gifts that... well... they don't fit your personality, and yet you feel obligated to display it or wear it so that the giver will see it?!

Well, if we're honest, we've all gotten at least ONE of those gifts. Especially if you've gotten married - you get those random "what in the world?!" kinds of gifts. Right?! It's totally weird, too. I mean, what am I going to do with a ceramic white and gold statue of a bride and groom for the rest of my life after I've already gotten married? Let's just say... it doesn't quite fit into my decor. But I feel like I have to keep it (...if only for the simple fact that I can't bear to re-gift it and be thought of in the same way I thought of the giver, and it's too nice to throw into the trash can or give to goodwill. What's a girl to do?!).


Unfortunately, I think we do this with the gifts that God gives us. At least I know that I'm WAY guilty of that. Am I only the only one?!

I mean, imagine how the person that gave you that not-so-fantastic gift came over and saw the Christmas sweater they made for you sitting in the garbage cans outside. It would suck, right?!

So when God gives you a gift, it's for a reason. And he doesn't give you a little cushion of gifting in that area just in case you decide to use it... No, he gives it to you so that you can use all of it. He wants you to rock that gift's world! He wants you to wear it out like it's been out of style since the 80s and you're JUST now realizing it. He wants you to because he owns the cattle on a thousand hills, and he'll keep replenishing that gifting over and over and over again.

This gift isn't a box of Girl Scout cookies that you're trying to savor slowly until they start selling them again next year - this is more like the unlimited supply of said girl scout cookies (and can I just take a time out to say that I would be TOTALLY fantastic with the idea of unlimited, year-round girl scout cookies?! I'm just saying...).


And this is where I've been failing lately (with the giftings, not the girl scout cookies). I'm really only using between 40 and 60% of the gifts that God has given me.

Over the past few weeks, I have had the same recurring dream several times. It's not one of those dreams that are warm and fuzzy and then by noon, when you finally get to tell your best bud about it, you're all kinds of fuzzy on the details. It's more like the super vivid dream that you couldn't forget if you WANTED to!

Anywho... back to the dream: I'm standing on a stage and singing. I'm not just singing, I mean I'm SANGIN'! You know the difference... singing is when you stand there are pretty and sing on pitch and only suffice to meet everyone's expectations. It's pretty. People are smiling. The little old ladies in the 2nd row are clapping softly off-beat with you. And then you walk off stage and breathe a sigh of relief that it's over and spend the next few hours over-analyzing the way you "delivered" the song. But SANGIN' is when you just belt it. You put EVERYTHING you've GOT into that song. You sing like the lives of every little baby around the world depends on it. It's like Cristina Aguilera ain't got NOTHING on you when you're singing this song. You're owning that song.


That's the difference.


The most important difference between the two?

When you SANG, he's just totally captivated by the gift that he's given you. He's the proudest father. The one clapping the loudest at your grand finally. He's BEEMING with pride in having given you the PERFECT gift!! He just KNEW that you'd use it this way. He just knew it!! And he couldn't be happier.

God loves your singing. He really does. But when you just sing the song, as happy as he is that you're using that gift he's given you, it's like he's turned to look back as he left the Christmas party at your house, and through that window saw you throwing that sweater that you hate so much into the trash can. Or using it to wipe up the mess you just made when you spilled the 7-layer dip on the kitchen floor as you were cleaning up. You are slapping God in the face and saying "Yeah, it's a cool gift and all, but my fear of humiliation, my fear of what people will think, my worry that people will judge me as a show-off is way more important than the extent of your silly little gift." Because, after all... people are the ones you have to live with everyday, right?! They're the ones you have to answer to when you walk off that stage afterwards...


Right?!



Well, in my dream, I'm just jamming. I am Sangin' His Eye is On the Sparrow. I mean, I am kicking that song's musical butt! And people are being touched by it! They're being given Hope that they hadn't seen in years. Filled with Joy that they hadn't ever felt before. That simple old song that we've all heard a dozen times - it was really meeting people where they were.

All because I was using the gift that God has given me to it's capacity. I was fulfilling a purpose.


God doesn't give a bird wings so that he can walk around flappin' them at each other. He gives them wings so they can fly. That's their purpose, but it can't be met unless they truly use their wings to their fullest ability.

So why are we any different? Why do we laugh at God's "cute" little giftings? They aren't "cute" - they're ordained! They are put there for a reason, and not just to be looked at and imagined.


A few months back, when our church was between Worship leaders, I stepped in, some, and helped lead worship when they needed me. The problem? I was not only TERRIFIED, which isn't a bad thing in itself, but I was still only dabbing my big toe in to see if the water was cold when I would sing. I didn't truly lead people in worship. Heck no - I just sang the main part of the song, like I was some kind of a sing-along worship CD that you play in the car on the way to work in the morning.

Can God use that? Yes. Absolutely. No question. Did he? No doubt. But had I used the gift he had given me to actually LEAD people in worship, we could've experience a level of worship that was on a whole new playing field.

But instead of was worried about saying the wrong thing between songs, so I didn't say anything. I was too nervous that my Sanging would distract people, so I just sang the song like we all knew it.


And that wasn't the point. NONE of that should've mattered. And no matter how many times I was told that people truly need some encouragement in worship and truly need to be led, no matter how much I told myself "You can do this. They need this. YOU need this...", once I got up on stage, I froze. I was worried about the band getting my signals. I was worried about singing the wrong verse and misleading the vocalists that were singing with me. I was frozen in my own anxiety.


I guess what I'm trying to say is that I've been a slacker with the gift God has given me, and I need to get off my butt and start using it the way that he gave it to me, not just the way that I'm comfortable or the way that I always have in the past.

Comfort zones are just that - they're comfortable. But they aren't God-made. They are totally, completely, 100% man-made. And if everyone played it "safe", then no one would ever hear about him. Or feel his love. Or wake up and realize that he has so much more for them than they could ever accomplish within their own strength. But we have GOT to learn to break down those stupid comfortable walls, and stop building them again once things get stormy. We're missing SO MUCH of what he's given us. Why doesn't that keep us up at night? Why doesn't that bother us like it should? Because we're just staying inside of our safe-ness. Comfortable in our cozy little comfort zones... stupid little things.





What gift are hiding behind? What talents have you been given, but are too worried to shine in? In what ways are you a Slacker?

My B

I'm sorry.

I was having a really tough day yesterday. I wasn't just frustrated with McStudly, but there's actually a LOT going on right now.

Please pray for me, would ya? I can always use it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

On a much lighter note - it's THURSDAY!! Which means it's almost the weekend. That's freaking FANNNtastic!! I could sure use another weekend (even though this one won't be 4-days... it's better than nothing, right?!).

So... on this Thursday, what's going on with you? Are things good? Are they rotten? (Don't you DARE say things are fine - that's never an acceptable answer with me. Let's be real... "fine" is code for "I don't wanna talk about it." or "I don't really think you care, so I'm not going to waste your time."


I would't ask if I didn't care.







So for real, people. How are things in (insert your name here)-Ville?!

Lettin' It All Hang Out

So some friends of mine recently started blogging on finances and budgeting. Go check it out: The Dime Divas have some pretty good words of wisdom in their first few blogs already. But I decided to blog my own version and just put it all out there. Comments are very welcome... encouraged, in fact.

I've always considered myself to be smart when it comes to money. Pretty much supporting myself (Mom - I said pretty much... we BOTH already know it wasn't 100%) supporting myself from age 17 on, when I first started working. I was extremely lucky to get the part-time job that I did my Senior Year in High School. It's totally set me up in my professional life to be able to live pretty comfortably. And thus I have.

From the time I graduated high school, I had a full-time job, and not many bills to pay. I bought a used car the autumn after graduation, and a year later, bought a brand new car. Not just because I could, I mean my good ol' Neon needed some TLC that I was willing to cough up the dough for, but... in a way I guess you could say that I needed it. And I could afford it, so why not? And a cell phone... EVERYONE needs a cell phone, right? And then those hott shoes, I just HAVE to have them... and ohmygosh how much is that purse?! WHOA! Yeah... that's pretty much how life was. Eating out all the time with friends. Buying whatever clothes whenever I wanted them, and not saving much. About two years into my frivolosity, I decided I wanted to travel. So I actually started saving. I got a good penny saved up (about $4500, to be near-exact). And then that dang flying crap starts to hit the fan. Where DOES that stuff come from?

At the time, I was dating a guy that didn't make much money, and was also in school full time. So slowly, my savings started to become a bit more scarce. But I managed to come out of the relationship with a few thousand still hanging on by a thread. I decided to go visit my cousins in Australia. Who wouldn't want to go down under? *queue that "I come from the land down under" song that no one really knows the rest of the words to... are there even any other words?!* But with my spending habits the way that they are, it's hard to spend a couple thousand on such a trip, and still be able to afford that outfit you HAVE to have when you go down there.

Fast-forward a bit and here enters McStudly. Yes - he is just that... a stud. But he's also one of those people that never really had to worry much about finances. Did either of us, really? He pretty much supported himself (again... I said pretty much. Let's not get caught up on the details, shall we?!) from the time he got his first real job and on until we met.

You see - McStudly is in the Air Force. And the military takes pretty dang good care of their people. I mean... you won't see all of them walking around with Gucci shades and driving Beemers (oh wait - don't we have one of those?), but you're never in "need" of anything (though there are things to be desired if you live in military housing... oh sorry... moving on!).

*shaking head*

Sorry. Back on topic - so McStudly and I start dating, and I lose my job (the two weren't related... but it happened about 6 months after we started dating). Though I looked CONSTANTLY for a new one, it was 3 months before I finally got one. Another reason the savings dwindled even further. But the job I got was making WAY more money than the one I had lost - so life was good again. I would save some... and spend more. Get paid again. Save some... spend more. It was a vicious cycle, really.

I did manage to build my savings up quite nicely, again, even amongst the spending. Then... he proposed *insert wedding bells* and I was ecstatic!!

*music comes to a screeching halt*

HOLD UP!! Does anyone know how much weddings costs these days?! Holy Lord in HEAVEN! Minus buying an expensive dress that I ended up not being 100% happy with anyways, I did my best to be frugal with my wedding. Simple decor. Making the invitations. Making the programs. Blah blah blah... CHA-CHING!! It STILL costs a lot of money!

Needless to say, the savings dwindled quite quickly. But that's what it was for, right?! Well... pretty much. But still! Watching that balance drop is NOT a good feeling for anyone - especially soon-to-be-newlyweds. Plus, we had to find a place to live! There goes more money for the deposit on a nice rental. Now we need furniture! Buy a bed... a table and chairs.... a big comfy couch...

Now enter the Credit cards *dun Dun DUNNNN!!!*

We needed it! For our wedding... for our lives together... for... the HONEYMOON!!

Now enter Lines of Credit *insert "scary movie girl" scream in background*

Again I said ... We needed it?!

Who were we kidding. Fortunately, we had the ability to pay for most of it (thanks to a several hundred dollar bailout by Momma and Poppa Bear).

**SCENE CHANGE**

One month after we get married, McStudly just HAS to have a dog! And I'll admit - with his working nights, it's pretty unsettling being in a home all by yourself at night. So enter Austin, aka: McDog. And our luck - the breeder lies to us. So now he's sick, and vets are EXPENSIVE!!! $$$ *GASP* How many hundred for blood work and some medicine? I'm sorry.... say it again?? One more time, I must have heard you wrong?!

Well, he finally gets better, and we get "wiser"... we buy pet insurance. Thank GOODNESS for that (though it was a BIT late at this point, huh?).

So I've almost caught you up. We've got a "home". We've got my car and his truck. And we've got McDog to keep me warm at night.

But we're also paying out the YINGYang twins for gas, and so... we go car shopping for McStudly. We are super fortunate enough to find a used BMW (even though we were looking for a Mazda6) in great condition with SUPER low mileage and a super low price, and jump on the deal. The only catch - they won't give us enough for his truck to pay it off... and the bank won't work with negative equity. So... we take out a Signature Loan to pay for the difference, knowing we can pay it off within a year.

So... two cars we're paying for, now, AND another "line of credit". Oh yeah - And enter the unhappy Landlord/Neighbor (for silly reasons I'll omit from the story)... and our desire to own a home, so that we're no longer living in a "temporary" place, and in someone else's house, at that.

Time to find a new place to live.

After MUCH searching, and MUCH deliberation... we get super lucky and buy a house. We wave a very brief goodbye to our first home as a family, and eagerly move in to our very own brand new home!! So that about catches you up.

We've been in the new house (townhouse, really), now for about a month. And I JUST paid our first mortgage and HOA payments. *taking a deep breath* And by "paid" I mean I just put them in the mail on Monday. So yeah - it's all still fresh.

Well - I've been looking over the budgets I've created for our next few months, here, we're going to be okay. Really. I mean... we're looking pretty good, right now. We thought it would be a big adjustment, buying a home, and by the looks of our budget, we're going to be more comfortable than before! (Is that even possible?!)

ohmygosh I almost forgot to tell you. Thanks to an awesome lender, and our FANNtastic Realtor (and good friend), we actually got money BACK from buying the house. So, we ought down our interest rate, AND got a cash written back to us at closing. So we put that STRAIGHT to the Signature Loan we took out for the negative equity on McStudly's truck, and WAMBAMTHANKYOUMAAM We were able to pay it off!!

So here we are. Budgeting and turning into big kids. I have budgets completed THROUGH November, and once we're halfway through October (deemed "transition month" in the Puhl household), I'll start December's plan, to include Holiday/gift spending plans. :-)

The only stumbling block now, and a big one at that, is that McStudly is gone and I'm all alone. He's on a TDY for the military, and will be gone until December. So... they're paying us a little extra "separation pay" and also paying for his food and such while he's there, so there may be some budget changes when he's back and we're back to living normal.

But for now - it's all good. And we're doing really well knockonwood. SO that about wraps it up. Any advice on making things even more comfortable for us, as we save and save and pay off all that debt we racked up last year is MORE than welcomed... it's encouraged!

I'll post an update a bit down the road and keep you posted. But for now - don't forget to check out the Dime Divas. It'll be good times. I promise! ;-)

Toodles!

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PS: I tried usign Pear Budget, and it just wasn't for me. So don't feel bad if it's not for you, either. I'm super organized with our finances and already have a budget and spendplan in place, so Pear Bdget would've been double the work for me. But if you haven't already given it a thought, go check out www.pearbudget.com. It is pretty cool for those of you that are new to the budgeting territory need a little help getting started.

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