Decisions, Decisions

So I've recently been presented with a few decisions that need to be made, and it's forcing me to really evaluate where I am, right now.

For those of you who have read fairly regularly, you know the McStudly and I are really involved in our church. We love it! I really wish, most of the time, that I could get paid to do that instead of working at the full-time job I have (though I do actually enjoy that, as well). Ah well... one can dream, right?!

Anywho, I was recently approached about becoming more (or perhaps just a tad differently and a bit more frequently) involved in one of the areas that I thoroughly enjoy. And in actuality, it was literally a dream come true... as in - I had a dream about it a week or so ago. Crazy, right?! Yeah. I thought so, too. And when this person told me the other night that they had something they wanted to talk to me about, my thoughts went to this dream. Of course, being of the female persuasion and all, my thoughts then quickly went to "am I in trouble?" or "what did I do?!", but I was assured I was not in trouble at all... though I was still a bit anxious about it (who wouldn't be?!).

I said I'd talk to McStudly about it, since it involved more of a time commitment and I"m already pretty spread in several different directions (which actually caused them to almost not ask me at all, because they knew I was so busy. Nice, eh?).

So, basically, I've been thinking about it a lot. Like a LOT lot. I'm not one to believe in these kinds of coincidences as purely random, but more like purposeful. Does that make sense?! Between the dream, and thinking this was what it would be about... and then actually being right. I dunno - call me crazy!


But here's where I struggle. Remember I said I'm already pretty spread in several different directions? Yeah. As in here's what I do on any given week: Sunday morning: church (sometimes both services). Sunday evening: Underground (Young Adults). Monday: free (woohoo!). Tuesday: worship practice. Wednesday: church early for prep and then helping with Fusion (Youth service). Thursday: Pregnancy clinic training. Friday: free (hopefully date-night). Saturday: who knows... cleaning, laundry (yeah right, ha!), sleeping in!!!

I'm not insanely busy, I suppose, but keep in mind that Tuesday - Thursday activities are not including McStudly. He isn't involved int he worship team, or youth, or the pregnancy clinic. So we see each other before and after, but it's kind've like ships passing in the night. Also, there are monthly meetings involved (sometimes multiple) with all of these ministries, so they usually take up another night or two, here and there, so it's ends up being one packed month after another.


I say all of this to get to my point, I suppose. Making this change means that I need to make a sacrifice somewhere else. That's why this isn't a "Well, of course!" kind of a thing, right now.

Sidenote: On top of that, the McStud and I have been having a very... trying week (we all have them - you know where you just keep butting heads and/or missing each other and it's juts rough all around?! Yeah. That kind.), so that hasn't really helped, much.


I really want to do this, but I don't know how I feel about stepping down in the other areas I'm involved in. It's not easy. It's going to take a lot of thought and prayer, as well as discussion with the hubster before a decision is reached.

FYI: in case you're wondering, it's not like I'll be moving to Africa, or anything, so you may think I'm making a bigger deal out of this than I need to (not that you know what it is, or anything), but to me, it's personally a hard decision.


I just feel torn, I guess is the best way to put it. I'm involved in all of these ministries because of various reasons, but mainly because I have a heart to be there. So it's not like I could just drop it like a bad habit and move on to something else, ya know?! It's hard to see something that seems so right just out of your reach, and you have to let go of something else to get to it... sometimes more than one "something else", like in my case - I feel like letting go of just one thing won't really change anything or make extra time or add less stress, but that it would take letting go of two things just for the 1.


Am I babbling? Or hopefully I'm at least making a little teenie bit of sense in here, somewhere?!


Maybe blogging about it is helping me to feel like I'm working things out. Pen to paper (or fingers to keyboard, in this case) can really help me sort out my thoughts, sometimes.


All I know is with all that went before this - the dream, kind've seeing it coming (does it sound bad to say that?! It feels like it sounds really snobby and braggadocios - Ooh... HUGE points for using that word in a blog on a Friday!!), and then actually hearing it. I don't know - call me crazy, but I feel like this is where God wants me. And on top of all that, I've already been trying to stretch myself in this area. I mean... McStudly and I have had many a conversation about it and my trying to better myself and step out of my comfort zone (that could be a whole other blog in itself!), and then this happens. So is it weird of me to think that all of this is playing a part in the bigger picture, somehow? I just can't shake the feeling.


And maybe that's why I feel so compelled to lean in this direction, while knowing that it'll take some sacrifice to get there.


Could that be the point? I trust God. I really do. But am I the only one that still questions things... even the things I really feel that he's leading me towards? What is WRONG with me?!?!


Why do we do this? We hold so tight onto the things that we know. The things that are familiar. the things we're comfortable with... even though we know that God has bigger and better plans for us to move on to.


It's like I know what I need to do, but I worry too much about actually doing it. Or I feel like I'll be letting someone down or putting someone else in a bad spot by stepping down and/or out of the other ministries.


*lightbulb moment*

Hang on a second... is that maybe a form of pride?! Do I somehow, without realizing it, hold myself so highly that I think the other people... the other ministries can't do without me? Ouch. Talk about a public realization of fault, man. I'm discovering, openly, on my blog that I'm dealing with pride in an area I had no idea was there. This blog post is getting heavier and heavier the more I type.

Sidenote: Am I the only one that is doing this? Is there any chance that maybe you guys are dealing with similar forms of pride? I mean... God can do the impossible. We sing it. We say it. We may shout it from time to time. But then there's that dang old box, again, and we think that he can't carry on a ministry without use. Ouch ouch OUCH! Please be honest... I feel like I may be the only one, right now, and that's not making me feel so good. :-(


Wow. I need to deal with that. Like yesterday! And I think that, maybe, I just made my decision. ??


Of course I'll be talking to McStudly about it more (we actually get to SEE each other tonight. Squeea!) and praying about it a little more, but can I ask you a HUGEmongous favor?? Can you all pray for me, too? For both the decision, and now, apparently, my subconscious issues with pride, too?



Gesh... why is humility so difficult that you don't even realize you are missing it, most of the time?! I'm missing the mark and somehow I feel like I'm still shooting straight. Ugh!!



Well, I've carried on long enough, and given you enough of a Serious Pill for this Friday. Hope it wasn't too big to swallow, and that you'll be honest enough with yourself (...and possibly the rest of us?!) to do it. I'm going to go get to work on "fixing" myself. Thank God for his unconditional grace, cause Lord knows I need it!!


Hope you all have a great weekend, and I'd LOVE to hear how you guys feel about what I said. And just so you know, I'm not typically one of those planner kind of bloggers. I really was just figuring this whole thing out as I typed... I'm working on being as genuine as possible (it's part of my pregnancy clinic training), and I feel this might be the best way to keep myself real (it's awfully safe here, behind this computer).



Anywho, take care and I'll catch you on the flipside!






Toodles! :-)

My Tidy Little God-Box

McStudly got into a pretty deep "philosophical" type conversation while we were laying in bed last night. It didn't last long, but afterwards I got to thinking. I usually have trouble falling asleep so I was thinking about this for a while, and then when I woke up this morning, all of those thoughts were still very clear in my head. It's been a few hours, now, but I'm going to try to put it all out there for you guys. I want to see what your thoughts are, your opinions, or if anyone even has anything to add at all.

Here goes!

In talking about all of this, let me start by saying I'm just as guilty as the next person. Anywhere that I say "we" or "you" it includes me... so don't think I'm being preachy. K?

How easy is it for us to put God in a box? Sometimes someone unknowingly helps us make our God-boxes by telling us their opinion as though it's fact, and then we take it for fact without looking into what the Bible says. We do this with friends, family, and even our Pastors. Just because you think someone has a better handle than you do, or a degree behind their name, that doesn't mean everything they say is truth. We shouldn't take it for fact and not look into it ourselves.

But that's not the point of all this. The point is the God-box itself. Some of you may be tuning me out already, but we all have one. We have our own neat little organized religion God-box that we tuck God into. It's made up of our interpretation of the Bible, our opinion of how a church service should go. Our view on what worship should be like. Our take on how we are to interact with each other - both Christians and non-Christians. That's what makes up our God-box.

And so we go to church on Sundays (or whenever we go) and we sit there. Like a consumer we're ready to take in a product, decide if it fits in with our God-box, and then review it later.

"Worship was kind've off today" or "We sing the same songs over and over again" and "I had a hard time connecting to the sermon today. It didn't really speak to me."

That's our God-box talking.

Worship needs to fit our expectations. The songs need to move us. The sermon needs to be what we're comfortable hearing and admitting to needing and it needs to speak to us in a way we haven't quite been spoken to before. Because it's a consumer, me, my way mentality.

But when we put worship in a box, when we put sermons and environments into a box, we're limiting it. And when we limit these things, we're limiting God. We limit God and then wonder where he is. We think he's not moving or he's not speaking to us... but it's not God that's not moving, it's us. We're limiting him and then expecting him to move in spite of our limits. By limiting God, we're limiting his effect on those around us. We are becoming the problem, while looking for someone or something else to point the finger at. We're missing it.

We also tend to limit God to church. That fits nicely into our God-boxes.

The worst part about our God-boxes is that by limiting God, we are limiting his ability to minister to others. God can do all thing, don't get me wrong, but he chooses to use us to minister to those around us. We each have our own sphere of influence and God has us there for a reason. No one, no single other person, can reach the people around you day-to-day in the way that you can. Often times these spheres of influence can overlap, but it all comes from different angles. You are the only one that can reach those people in the way that they need to hear it. But when we limit God, and keep him in our neat and tidy little God-boxes, we're the reason that's not happening.

But what if we opened that box and finally let God out? What if we stopped trying to fit worship into our box and just worshipped as we were meant to worship - freely and without shame, as we were created? What if we stopped getting caught up on what songs we were singing, or what the words of that song were? What if we asked God to speak to us in any sermon and bring something new to light no matter what the topic?

What if we let God be God and stop trying to do his job for him?

Just imagine - if we let God out of that box. If we focused on worshipping him instead of being comfortable in a song we'd reach entirely new levels of intimacy with him. Our love for him would be so much more than we could even imagine. What if we were so hungry for more of the word that even a sermon on a topic that far outreaches us still somehow speaks to us, where we are, and leads us to be even hungrier for the word in our day-to-day lives?

By letting God out of that little box that we created years ago, we're not longer limiting him to only be able to work when, where, and how we want him to. He'll finally be free to move in his good and perfect timing ad in the ways the he knows he needs to.

When God is able to move and we are worshipping him truly and whole-hearted, we will begin to exude him to those around us. And when we do so, he is finally able to minister to those people in our sphere of influence right where they need him and right where they are.

When God can finally meet people where they are, that's when things happen. That's when lives are restored and darkness flees. That's when we are able to breakthrough the things that tie us down. That is when we are finally fulfilling the purpose he's given each of us, all because we took a lid off a box.

So when your in worship and feeling like the band is off or singing a song you've heard a hundred times, remember why you're really there. When the sermon is about something that's so far off you're dazing in and out of consciousness, remember the reason for it all.

We're not here to critique a church service, we're hear to worship a loving, saving God. Whether or not that fits into your God-box should tell you something.

So when you hear the lyrics to a new worship song and you're stuck on the fact that it says "sloppy wet kiss" in one of the verses ("How He Loves" - great song. Look it up), remember that God doesn't fit into our little boxes.

Maybe we should stop trying to shove him in there all the time?

What Was I Thinking?!

With everything that McStudly and I have been dealing with lately... between the house snafu, the hospital visits, job hunting, etc etc... we've been learning a lot.

The best part about it is that with his recently being diagnosed with Crohns' Disease, we've grown SO much with God and together, even. It's been amazing. Last night we had the BEST pillow talk. It was just perfect. We are lifting each other up and encouraging each other - being open with each other in our walk with God and what we're learning through all of this.

To be honest, I've been thinking about a song. (what else is new, right?!) I'm one of those people who totally loses herself in music. I believe there is a song (or will be soon) for every mood, every situation, everything! And It's kind've neat how this worked out...


Tuesday nights we have practice for the worship sets we'll be doing the following Wednesday and Sunday at church. So the night before McStudly went back into the hospital, I was there... practice practice practice... blah blah blah... it was over. Well, our Worship Pastor had mentioned he wanted me to learn a few new songs for us to be able to sing in the near future. So I followed him back to his office and he played/burned me a CD of 3 songs. All different artists, writers, performers, etc. They were awesome. The songs were 1 - "All I Want" by Kristy Starling (no clue if that's the actual title, but I'm guessing), 2 - "You Are God Alone" by another chick (a song we've all heard, and there's about 50 million versions of... but we plan to make our own), and 3 - "Desert Song (I Will Bring Praise" by Hillsong United.

Uh. Maze. Ing.


Seriously. Desert Song is SO stinking powerful. It starts off a little different then your typical worship song, but I could NOT get enough of it this week. Call me crazy, but I don't think it's a coincidence that I was given this CD to "practice" the night before McStudly went back into the hospital. I listened to it all week driving back and forth, and all over creation. This song was just SO encouraging and almost became an anthem (which sounds SO unbelievably cheesy, I know).

Let me put the lyrics in here for you, and I'll add emphasis on what really caught me every time I listened to it:


"This is my prayer in the desert
When all that's within me feels dry
This is my prayer in my hunger and need
My God is the God who provides

This is my prayer in the fire
In weakness or trial or pain
There is a faith proved of more worth than gold
So refine me Lord through the flame

I will bring praise
I will bring praise
No weapon formed against me shall remain
I will rejoice
I will declare
God is my victory and He is here

This is my prayer in the battle
When triumph is still on its way
I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ
So firm on His promise I'll stand

I will bring praise
I will bring praise
No weapon formed against me shall remain
I will rejoice
I will declare
God is my victory and He is here

All of my life
In every season
You are still God
I have a reason to sing
I have a reason to worship

I will bring praise
I will bring praise
No weapon formed against me shall remain
I will rejoice
I will declare
God is my victory and He is here

This is my prayer in the harvest
When favor and providence flow
I know I'm filled to be emptied again
The seed I've received I will sow"


It's just been SO amazing listening and singing that song. I've been declaring and singing it just driving down the road and cannot be more at peace about everything.

I don't preach a lot on here (or maybe I do more than I realize?), but this is just something I really felt like I should share. "All of my life, in EVERY season, YOU ARE STILL GOD, I have a reason to sing, I have a reason to worship."


I need to praise him through everything, because no matter what my circumstances are, He is STILL God and that alone is reason enough to praise him and give him the Glory that he deserves.

I don't have a clue what his plan will be that it should involve all of this, but I know that he is the one that is All-Knowing, and I am not. He is the one that created us. So I will praise him even still.


PS: Google the song - you won't regret it. and I hear there's an awesome video out ther esomewhere about how the song came about - I'll definitely be checking that out when I get the chance!!



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Well... that's what I've been thinking about. What about you guys? Anything at all... what has been on your mind lately? It can be about switching cereals or finding a new job, or just trying to make it though day-to-day life, but I'd love to hear it.

So spill! :-D

A Serious Pill, And A HUGE Mountain To Climb.

First, let me start with this quote by Audrey Hepburn:

“For attractive lips, speak words of kindness.
For lovely eyes, seek out the good in people.
For a slim figure, share your food with the hungry.
For beautiful hair, let a child run his or her fingers through it once a day.
For poise, walk with the knowledge you’ll never walk alone.” – Audrey Hepburn


Wow. Now my day has been flipped around. I've thrown a few Serious Pills at you in the past, but this is a big one. It'll take you a bit to read it, maybe 15 - 20 minutes, but it'll be worth it. Take a gander, and hang around for the end so we can review together.

Most of you tend to skip over the serious blogs, but this one is kind've big, to me. It's important and needs to be heard. Skim it, if you don't feel like reading it, but at least take something from it - you'll probably be so glad that you did, and thought-provoked for the rest of the week.


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Coming Clean
(An excerpt from the blog of Christian recording artist Nichole Nordeman)


Two years ago, I landed on the cover of CCM for the first time by myself. I wore a dress “borrowed” from Neiman Marcus, that I’m pretty sure cost three times my current monthly mortgage. To put it simply…it was the quintessential Cinderella dress. It was everything I’ve dreamt of being since I was 11 years old and I flittered around in layer upon layer of that glorious shimmering, flowing, sweeping gown while the photographer snapped away. I had just been on this insanely stupid diet for months, so that I could squeeze myself into the Cinderella getup, but one minute in that dress and I knew that every shunned bagel had been worth it.

Hours later, the shoot ended and I regretfully pulled on my Old Navy cargo pants, hopped into my pumpkin, and headed home to my family where my 1-year-old son had decided to greet me with perhaps the most toxic diaper in the history of Huggies. Needless to say, the clock had struck midnight.

Awhile back, I asked CCM if I could write this story. I felt…still feel…uneasy about that photo shoot princess moment. Not because there’s anything wrong with feeling momentarily flawless…but because that photo and many like it, in no way represent my real life. I feel rather nauseous when I consider the young girl who sees that photo and has no idea that it took 5 hours and an entire team of makeup artists and stylists to make me look like a princess. She also has no idea that even after all that, somebody sat at a computer (with my enthusiastic blessing) and point and clicked away my acne scars, my 35 year old wrinkles and the roll of flesh around my middle that makes me look like I am perpetually stuck in my 2nd trimester.

This is an especially difficult scenario to stomach, since this same young girl will probably send me a heartfelt email about how she appreciates how “real” I am…

So.

Armed with a guilty conscience and CCM’s permission, I was compelled to ask some other artists if they, too, might wrestle a bit with the irony that we are trying desperately, through our music, to point to the liberating love of Jesus while packaging that music in a way that points to…well…us. To be honest, I wasn’t sure if anybody wanted to talk about that pressure. I feared silence. I feared the Jerry McGuire office memo moment. Would my fellow artists talk about real life?

Thirteen interviews later, to say that they were honest is an understatement. I awkwardly asked for a couple inches…and miles later, was humbled by the transparency of my peers.

Youth of a Nation
I continue to marvel at how the average age of a new artist gets younger and younger each year. I’ve chimed in with the cynics on many occasions, “What can you possibly say to the world when you’re 16?? I mean, are they going to write songs about how much it sucks to wear braces??”

I could tell after about 30 seconds of talking with Bethany Dillon that I had a lot to learn from her perspective. I’ve always admired her “jeans and t-shirt” sense of self and yet she confesses to getting tripped up by some of the trimmings and trappings and the struggle to stay true to who she is, “…people can smell a phony and can tell when you’re not wearing your clothes and you’re saying things that aren’t really in your vocabulary…I mean, I’m human…and there’s part of me that’s like, ‘Why can’t I buy hundreds of dollars worth of makeup?’…and I could…and in the back of my mind I feel like…I couldn’t pull that off for long. I have to learn now to be honest about the fact that I am a girl from the country in Ohio. I want to be feminine and all that, but the thing about me is that I just don’t spend a lot of time putting myself together.”

‘Beautiful,’ the song that put her on the map, caught a lump in my throat the first time I heard the lyric …’I want to hear You say, who I am is quite enough’… because I spend so much time feeling like I’m barely enough. Bethany speaks about freedom, “I think it is a gift to give a woman permission to be who she is…I don’t have to do anything and I am so unable to impress God and yet there is something about me that has captured Him.”

Krystal Meyers clearly understands the double standard. “I love fashion…love the magazines and have stacks of them. Love going shopping. Love finding new clothes and it makes me feel excited to wear those new clothes.” And yet a few minutes later Krystal sounds burdened. “I don’t want to be seen without makeup on because I don’t feel as pretty without makeup on. I hear from fans on my message board and they’re like, ‘You’ve got such clear and beautiful skin…how do you do it?’ And I’m thinking to myself, well, that’s photo shopped!”

I mention to her that most fans have no idea that the photos are fixed in any way…so they’re at home wishing away for Krystal Meyers’ skin, which doesn’t really even exist. “We have problems with our weight and acne or just self image in general…and being able to be honest and truthful about it…I think it’s really important,” explains Krystal.

Later, on the phone with 18-year old Kierra “KiKi” Sheard, I am reminded of the pressures that her generation faces and how hard it is for the average teenager to wrestle with those pressures, even without the added stress of publicity pictures.

She shares openly about a time in her life when her self confidence was at its lowest. “During the first album, I was dealing with low self esteem because it was brought up to me, that ‘You’re kind of a big girl’…and that’s something that I had to experience behind the doors, and not everybody knew I was wrestling with my self esteem. “…it doesn’t matter who you are, what people say is going to bother you just a tiny bit,” she says.

A tiny bit?

I tell her about the first time it was gently suggested to me that I get a gym membership before my first photo shoot. Never mind the fact that I was busting my butt waiting tables and barely able to pay my rent while recording my first record. I was literally living off whatever the change in my car ashtray could get me from Taco Bell. Apparently, I was not short on change.

Kierra is quick to point out where she goes to find her confidence, “…knowing that I’m beautiful because I’m a child of God and He created me. HE loves me. I feel like I went through that experience and it strengthened me because being in the spotlight, people will find the worst things wrong with you, after you’ve spent hours trying to put yourself together…people are going to try to criticize you.” KiKi’s father once reminded her, ‘If you are in leadership, you have to know that you are under a microscope of scrutiny.’ “And that is something I will always keep in mind…”

A microscope of scrutiny. I guess I’ve considered that before as it relates to my character, but not my waistline.

The Real Me
In a woman’s life, there are few things, if any, that rival the title, “Mom.” Initially motherhood feels like an awkward fit, but in time, it feels more like the favorite sweater you refuse to take off, despite the fact that it’s unraveling in places and has a few choice stains. At times, there’s an unspoken pressure to look like you are still the artist but never became the mom.

When I caught up with Natalie Grant, she was soon set to give birth to twin girls. In the time it takes for you to sit down comfortably for 10 minutes and read this article on your favorite couch Natalie will have changed her shirt 3 times from the chronic spit up that has taken over her life.

She has been vocal on the topic of self image, coming clean about her own struggle with an eating disorder and I ask her if being a part of an image driven industry only compounds those issues. “It is a constant struggle,” she admits, “I have a daily choice to be healthy in my thoughts or destructive. I do not always make the right choice, and because I have been so open about my struggle, sometimes I feel like a fraud…when GMA week and Doves roll around, I find myself seeing people I love and admire…yet comparing myself. I notice how thin she is or what she is wearing, or how great her hair looks. I hate that about myself,“ Natalie says.

I smile. The last time I saw Natalie, I remember thinking about how thin she was and how I’d kill for that hair.

While image will always play a part in our industry, Natalie adds, “The responsibility lies with me to be transparent and open with myself and my audience…and definitely in my art…I have to let them see the real me. And while I still struggle with insecurities everyday, I have found much strength in being real.”

Even after 14 years, Heather Payne of Point of Grace, still works to reconcile the pressures and demands of looking the part of an artist. They were college students when they were signed, and today, they are wives and mothers. Heather questions whether image pressure might be somewhat self-imposed, “Now that we’re older we don’t feel the pressure from our record company but we put it on ourselves. We’re just like anybody else who watches TV and movies and looks at magazines and sees all these people that are so unrealistic and so picture perfect.”

Heather continues, “I think our very first photo shoot was the most traumatic for all of us. It was the first time we had people scrutinizing the way we did something…the way we tilt our head…or smiled, or showed teeth or didn’t show teeth or did our hair.” Then there’s the issue of photo shop, which she likes to call “photo chop.”

The POG ladies tour the country presenting Girls Of Grace Conferences (girlsofgrace.com), making a point to spotlight real beauty for young girls and highlight the difference between what’s “reality...and what a computer can do.”

Heather elaborates, “Here I am…my hair’s in a ponytail and I haven’t had a shower today, and I’m sitting with a broom in my hand and that is more reality than any kind of photo shoot. I’m just in that sloppy mommy phase, you know, I’m tired.”

Later in the day, I catch a glance in the mirror of my own greasy ponytail, and it makes me want to hop on a plane and fly to her house and help her sweep. We could be tired together.

Heather reminds me of Solomon’s wise and wistful words in Ecclesiastes. ‘It’s all vanity.’ She takes issue with the abuse of the term ‘self image’ these days, “We hear that term so much…that it’s all about self, self, self… we live in a me-driven society. Christians shouldn’t be thinking about self image…it’s about God image. He set us apart.”

Why it Matters
It is no surprise that Sara Groves has valuable insight on the topic of image and authenticity. She references Donald Miller’s book, SEARCHING FOR GOD KNOWS WHAT where he conducted an experiment at a Christian bookstore, trying to find even one ugly person on the cover of a Christian music CD and was unsuccessful. Donald writes, “I don’t mean any of this to say that good-looking people are bad…I am only saying we are, perhaps, even more obsessed, in the church, with the stuff culture is obsessed with. We are hardly providing an alternative world view.”

Sara, like many others, speaks of the rude awakening for her that just making music wasn’t quite enough. “I’m not a real polished person, I grew up as kind of a late comer on knowing the (fashion) rules of things…once I started to learn them I was really self conscious that I’d been breaking these rules for so long…”

A teacher prior to being a recording artist at a major label, Sara wore prairie skirts and Mary Janes to school every day. “I felt this complete collision that what I had been doing was inadequate…” She reminisces about the a huge fight that she and her husband/manager had over the first photo shoot, “He was just trying to get me change my look a little bit…and in a nice way…as my husband, and there’s just no way that conversation was going to go well. Troy called them (the label) and said, ‘Cancel the flight. She’s gone. She’s left the house and I don’t know where she is.’ And I did. I had a long drive and I just wondered how I was going to survive all these pressures. My first GMA week, I just about drowned in it. Having to dress for that was…ugh… Crippling. That first year I was really nervous about looking too old. I already had a job, and was a new mom, and at 25…I felt really old.”

So, how do we strike a balance? “Well, the gospel and marketing have always been uneasy for me and hard to reconcile. That’s all the gloss…the marketing. It’s hard for me because I feel that at some level the audience demands it, and they have an appetite,” Sara says, “It’s like MSG…they’re so used to eating Doritos because they explode in their mouths.” I wonder to myself if the artists are the ones addicted to the Doritos.

Sara and I discuss how easy it is to point the finger at “the industry” when both of us have worked with countless creative people…makeup artists, stylists, art directors…all full of integrity and committed to honoring God with their gifts. We, the artists, can’t possibly pass the buck quite that easily. She paraphrases John Fischer, “If Moses came down the mountain and found a statue of himself, would he have been so quick to burn it?’

Stained Glass Masquerade
When I first felt compelled to write this story, my intention was to focus primarily on female artists. But if you’ve ever wandered around Nashville during GMA Week, you’ll find that pound for pound in hair product, the guys give us a good run for our money. They are not immune to image issues.

I had a long chat with Bebo Norman, who, before he married a few years ago, was known as CCM’s most eligible bachelor. Awkward, I’ve always thought, to be the focus of so much attention from so many overly enthusiastic, squealing college girls. I mean…the “Bebo fan” is kind of legendary. And while most guys have trouble conjuring up sympathy for that particular dilemma, I suspect that to be known for your ‘adorableness’ might be slightly frustrating when you happen to be an incredibly gifted writer and artist.

Did he ever feel like his credibility as a musician suffered? He feels partly responsible for drawing attention to his ‘singleness’ and partly manipulated by it. “I didn’t expect every story and every interview I did for a number of years in my life…to be about being single. My goal, honestly, was to say ‘I’m a single man at this point and it is real life and I’m feeling lonely on the road, but the weird thing is the loneliness became the story.”

The artistic world can be uncomfortable for him. “I’m sort of an artist by mistake…I mean I love to write songs, but I didn’t naturally have an affinity for performing for people…even the word ‘artist’ is such a lofty word. Most people with creativity have an extreme form of insecurity. I don’t know any that I can think of off the top of my head that don’t struggle with a pretty dramatic level of (it).”

Our conversation takes an unexpected turn and Bebo confesses that a couple years ago he almost walked away from it all. He grappled with some serious questions, “…is it even Christ like in any way? I know it’s Christ like in the moment when someone’s hearing a song…and God is using that without question, but there is this system in place…am I completely wrong to even be a part of the system?” He recalls a gig one night once in Portland, Oregon, “I was completely miserable on stage…and I sort of stepped back and called my manager and said ‘I just want to go home for a few months and I may be done.’ I realized that I had become a sort of caricature of myself. I had inflated all of the things I thought people liked to see and I had deflated all of the things I didn’t like about myself.” Even his humility on stage (born out of genuine insecurity early on) became a ‘trained response.’ I knew subconsciously that people would respond to that and that’s what I became,” he explains.

“Being real” these days has, itself, become a marketing ploy, even if it began as a genuine and noble trait. How do we safeguard against those things? “I think it’s not just honesty, its brutal honesty,” Bebo offers.

I toured with Casting Crowns last year, and have a deep appreciation for how small the role of image seems to play in the lives and ministry of Mark Hall and the groups’ members. Even with that, Mark acknowledges that he felt a bit insecure early on about getting involved in the music industry. “There was always this feeling that ‘I didn’t have that look that they all have.’ He laughs about the first time he was on his way to a lunch meeting with some label executives. Once they laid eyes on him, he was fairly convinced they would say, ‘Ya know, Mark…you should…write.’

I ask Mark about the danger of idolatry in Christian music and what we can do about it, if anything…and, he doesn’t skip a beat. “I think the biggest thing is transparency…the songs where we connect with people and we’re letting it show and saying we’re still messed up. Those are the moments that everyone comes out saying, ‘Hey, it’s so comforting to know that there are other people dealing with this…’ I know me well enough to know that I am not impressed with me. And someone being impressed with me…it’s not going to fix them… They’ve got to understand that God is the only person that is going to change their lives,” he explains.

Made to worship… who?
Chris Tomlin has rocketed to the Christian music forefront in the last few years, and we spoke on the morning after the four-day Passion conference in Atlanta. He sounded exhausted but typically warm and willing to jump into this messy conversation about the gospel of good looks. The topic of image and authenticity gets even messier for the worship artist, whose very job is to be invisible, right? How does Chris reconcile the inescapable reality that his shiny happy photo is ever-present?

On the flight to his first photo shoot, Chris remembers opening a letter from Louie Giglio and - to this day - meditating in the words he read. While Louie acknowledged the star treatment Chris was about to experience for the first time, he encouraged him to ‘think about John the Baptist all day.’

“Everyone was coming to John the Baptist in John 3 and saying, ‘You’re it. You’re the deal…You’re getting quite popular here.’ And he responded, ‘I am not…there’s One that’s coming. I can’t even tie His shoes.’ That’s the One you need to go to. And when you see Him you’re going to know that He must increase and I must decrease.’” Louie’s letter continued, “And as they’re taking your pictures today, I just want you to hold that in your heart…’you don’t even tie this guy’s shoes.’ I’ve never forgotten it,” Chris says.

Where the Past Meets Today
Every time I hear Ayiesha Wood’s song, ‘Happy,’ on the radio, I crank it. Sure, it’s a great tune, but it just sounds so believable. She has a rare confidence in her delivery.

Ayiesha grew up in Bermuda…a small British colony and a cultural melting pot. She paints a phenomenal picture of a family whose shade of skin and eye color were as diverse as the United Nations, “All shades and colors and shapes and sizes and there’s just an appreciation for who God made everyone to be,” Ayiesha explains. “If you are not affirmed as a young woman, it tends to leave room for a need to be validated by someone else…to this day, I am my daddy’s brown sugar…just having someone speaking life and allowing us to really love what God has created us to be inside and out…a lot of importance was placed on character.”

She speaks comfortably about some of the tension she’s already felt, being marketed in a pop world and not a gospel one . She laughs about a recent industry event where her music was automatically placed in the Gospel category, “…an assumption based on the color my skin.” She doesn’t sound offended, just amused at the inability of some to reconcile the way she looks with the way her music sounds. Again, I’m struck by her confidence. “I’m not trying to box God in,” she explains, “At the end of the day, who is it that we are representing? It’s Christ.”

Sarah Kelly, Christian music’s resident rocker chick, feels equally as culpable when it comes to the topic of character and the ideals she represents. I ask her if she feels conflicted about the message that our CD covers are sending to a younger female audience. She acknowledges “being a woman, there are always 500,000 things you would change about yourself and to nurture that by making this perception of perfection is just ridiculous.”

For Sarah, “beauty is in the flaw,” she explains. She tells me about a rather painful adolescence, “I used to get made fun of…my hair…in Junior High…people would draw pictures and stick them to my locker…and my voice was the biggest deal... in the 7th grade, my choir teacher told me, ‘Sarah, you’re sticking out!’ It all comes out…the beauty is in the flaw… the things that set us apart that are unique and our features that we’re sometimes made fun of…I mean, Cindy Crawford got made fun of…that mole..."

As a young girl, Sarah taped up a picture of Cindy Crawford on her mirror, to try and copy her make up because she thought they had the same coloring. We laugh about that, until I suggest the possibility that there might be a young girl somewhere out there, with a picture of Sarah Kelly taped up on her mirror, doing the same thing. And, she stops laughing. She’s never considered it. All at once, Sarah sounds flustered and somewhat panicked at the possibility, “That’s everything I don’t stand for…I mean, my gosh, look at me, I’m a mess…if you’re going to do that, pick someone better…I look at myself and I think of everything that’s wrong, I do not think I’m drop dead gorgeous. I don’t think I’m pretty to be honest with you…”

Sarah tells me that the first thing she sees in the mirror is an “abnormal amount of lines under my eyes.” Somebody pointed out these lines when she was 12 years old and now that’s all she sees. “I’ve come through so much and I’m still standing and I love Jesus with all my heart. Those lines should be more like a testimony instead of something I’m trying to cover up,” she explains.

Soul Cages
As someone who has battled with eating disorders, Rebecca Barlow understands what can happen when your body becomes not a temple, but a prison of your own making. “I grew up in the church. I was a pastor’s kid and I think I began feeling this pressure in my life of having to be perfect.” She struggled with anorexia, then bulimia and finally excessive exercise, “…just anything to make me feel better about myself.” After so many empty attempts and filling the void, she came to the end of herself. “I was lying on my bathroom floor and I was like, ‘God, I pretty much want to die today. I don’t know if you can fix me. I don’t even know if you’re real…but would you forgive me for destroying my body?’ At that moment I felt Him in that room holding me and saying, ‘Rebecca, you are destroying what I have made beautiful…and it was like my eyes were open.”

Do those demons still rear their ugly heads? Is recovering from an eating disorder in such an image driven industry a little like being a recovering alcoholic and hanging out in a bar all the time? “I realize I’m always going to be in a battle and it’s easy for me to fall back into that pit,” she adds. She names her relationship with her mom and her Bible as critical “guard rails.”

How has BarlowGirl navigated the tricky waters of being imaged as Christian artists? A disastrous first photo shoot that resulted in the firing of the photographer and a decision to start over entirely was one of the best things that could have happened to them. Rebecca describes the tension between initially agreeing to being airbrushed and “stretched out” to look skinnier and the realization that “this is not God honoring.” “We were like, ‘Wait a minute…we’re talking about not conforming, and yet we’re doing exactly what everyone else is doing.' We had to re-shoot…dressing ourselves, doing our own hair and our own makeup…the very first one.”

I marvel at the wisdom in that, especially when the only thing I can recall about my first photo shoot was how stoked I was to get free new clothes. I remember being so profoundly grateful that I wasn’t schlepping burgers and fries anymore, I probably would have happily worn a chicken suit.

As we wrap up our conversation, she shares that she is “fasting” makeup right now when she’s not on stage…as in, not wearing any. She felt like it was playing too big a role in her life. I cringe at the thought. She explains, “If I’m speaking about image and I always look perfect, what is that saying? What does that tell our audience?”

That’s the question that keeps nagging at me…What does it tell our audience?

Of all the artists I’ve spoken with, there is no one more familiar with tension between faith and art than Amy Grant. As I dial her number, I wonder if she ever gets tired of being asked for the “seasoned veteran” perspective. Early in our conversation I marvel at how she has managed to escape being jaded. Instead, she thoughtfully reminisces about how the role of image, beauty and authenticity have played themselves out since she signed a record deal as a 15 year old.

“I remember when I was in high school feeling very gawky and my mom saying, ‘Just be patient. The most beautiful years of a woman’s life are between 35 and 45…just give yourself some time because what matters to you now will not matter then.’ And she was right.”

Amy’s first photo shoot was really just a friend taking some pictures of her after school. “When I signed my first contract, I was deep in the throes of acne. I changed out of my (school) uniform and put on…I think it was like a blue jean jumper with a red and white checked shirt and he took some pictures and that was it. No hair, no makeup.”

Things are a little different, today. “I mean I grew up in an era where…it was Janis Joplin, Mama Cass and Carole King… The people that were really the front-runners were not beauty queens…they were just good. Music is a totally different thing now…it can’t be just about music. It has to be young and beautiful and I think that’s really sad. I think because I’ve been around so much airbrushing, I never read an article about anybody in the paper, positive or negative, and believe it. I never see a picture of anyone and say, ‘that’s how they really look…’ because it’s all smoke and mirrors. The whole lot.”

Reflecting on a song by Sting called ‘Soul Cages,’ Amy adds, “For awhile that’s how I referred to my body. This is not really me; it’s just my soul cage.” Then she references some beauty advice written by Audrey Hepburn decades ago, and taped above her kitchen window… It reads like a passage from Proverbs:

“For attractive lips, speak words of kindness.For lovely eyes, seek out the good in people.For a slim figure, share your food with the hungry.For beautiful hair, let a child run his or her fingers through it once a day.For poise, walk with the knowledge you’ll never walk alone.” – Audrey Hepburn

She leaves me with something difficult to chew on, "You know, we all live in a little pond compared to the big world. I think it’s always important to say that my reality is a tiny piece of the picture. All the kids laid up in St. Jude’s hospital are not worried about what the stylist did on that magazine cover and at the Habitat build nobody was concerned with an imaging problem. I think in a way we can sort of take a microscope and say, ‘oh no! What are we doing here?’ And in the big picture it does not matter."

A bit of a lightbulb goes off as I consider the weight of her words. I am suddenly embarrassed when I think about how many hours I’ve spent talking to artists over the last 4 weeks about beauty and self image and the selling of our selves. And I wonder suddenly, 'DOES it matter?' I feel momentarily insecure about my decision to even write this story... 'Who cares? So Christian artists care too much about how we look...big deal. (Meanwhile, in Sudan...)

But as Amy elaborates, she sort of talks me off the ledge she just unknowingly pushed me out on. She continues "...as each of us matures, we find ourselves going, 'I can't believe I let some of the goofiest stuff rob me of enjoying life.' And I realize that she's talking about the gift of retrospect that usually grants us this luxury. It is the act of looking in the rearview mirror and watching those mountains disappear into mere speed bumps that give us grounded perspective.

I read back over the words of Amy's mother, 'What matters to you now, will not matter to you then..." and I realize that the cultural preoccupation with self image and the unbalanced way it seems to live in the Christian music industry is a NOW issue for me as much as I wish it was a THEN issue. And, while shining a spotlight on that might only seek to draw more unnecessary attention, piles and pages of transcripts scattered across my desk remind me that spotlights not only showcase, they expose. And that an open dialogue has the potential to be less about chatter and might just be more about change. Does it matter? I spoke with 13 artists who think it does.

Does it matter to you?

Well?

Go ahead...we're listening.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



Wow, right?! I don't think that our first thought when looking at magazines is "I wonder how this chick really looks". No. I'm pretty sure that our first thoughts are along the lines of "I wish my boobs were that awesome." or "Gosh - she's got such an amazign stomach. I bet she can eat anything she wants, too!"

Sure - if we're really thinking about it, we know that they airbrush this part, trim there, add color there and blah blah blah... but we're all still thinking (on some level, at least) "but I bet this was the easiest airbrush job ever. the probably barely did anything".


Especially us woman - we're HORRIBLE. When a friend compliments us, our first reaction is to say something like "Really?! Cause I thought it made me look like I was 3 months pregnant. Do you really think it looks good?" Or whatever. almost like we need them to tell us a couple more times before we'll believe it because 'they're probably just being nice'.


My poor husband. Most of the times he tells me I'm beautiful or that I looks nice my reaction = "we don't have time to have sex, right now." Am I the only one? Why don't we just believe it?


I remember telling someone not too long ago that when they are tearing their appearance apart, they are slapping God in the face and calling him ugly. Think about it - you were made in the image of God. So if we're mocking our looks, what does that say say we feel about his?


Trust me, I'm eating those words on more than just a daily basis, but it doesn't mean I'm the only one that needs to hear it.



So what are your thoughts? Aggreements? Disagreements? Added points? Corrections?



I'm looking forward to hearing from you guys. Let's be real for a minute or two.

Serious Pill, 20mg

As many of you know, I'm QUITE fond of music. Okay, that's like the understatement of the century, but you get it, so we'll just move on from there.

I recently bought the new Kari Jobe CD on iTunes and am currently LOVING it. I want to meet her. No seriously, I want to meet her, and have coffee (or something) with her and just get to talk to her. In some ways, she's teaching me SO much, but I've never met her. Wow - I sound like a weird stalker, right now. Let me essplain...

We all learn in our own ways. For me, music is a GREAT source of wisdom and inspiration. Maybe because I'm WAY into music and that's kind've my "thing" but whatever... it just is. And as someone who's sang practically her whole life, and even now getting more involved in music, I am still learning SO much.

I've been blogging about my song-writing attempts more and more, lately, so I'm letting you in on a little bit of me - why not a little more, eh?

I have this screwed up cookie-cutter vision of what worship music is supposed to be. I hear songs that aren't quite there, and I kind've write them off. Or I think to myself "maybe if they'd done this, then it would've been more..." whatever... I don't know. But I don't do it a WHOLE lot to other people's music. When it comes to mine, though, I am WAY WAY WAY critical and over-analytical and just - YIKES about it.

And with that I must add - I'm an idiot.

Worship isn't a "style" of music. It's not a certain song. And it doesn't have to be "done" in a certain setting or building. (I could go off on a tangent about how worship is life and our lives are supposed to just be worship, right now, but that's not the point of this blog, so I'll get back to the point I'm tyring to make.)

I've been anxiously awaiting the release of Kari Jobe's new CD since I found out, late last year, that there would even be one. She's got SUCH an anointed voice, and she's just an amazing songwriter, among other things. In a lot of ways, I look up to her, though, again, I've never even met her.

When I finally bought her CD on iTunes, this week, I immediately set my iPod to play her whole CD over and over in the car. So anytime I'm in there, that's what I'm listening to. At first, as much as I loved the CD and her voice, I kept thinking "Man, this isn't quite and 'worshipful' as I thought it was going to be..." It's more like this solo-album meets worship album, kind of thing. Then I kept listening. A LOT of the songs (not including the ones that have already been out a while, like "Revelation Song", "No Sweeter Name", and "Healer") are amazing and a number of them would we great to do as worship songs at church. Then the more familiar I got with the CD, and the more I got to the point where I could sing along, the more I'm lost in this CD!

I'm being stretched, and I'm not even the one singing. It's a CD that I'm listening to, and I'm learning (wow - I sound like SUCH a whack-nut, right now!) so much. The biggest thing I've learned, this far, happened when I started listening to her version of "Healer."

If any of you have heard the song before, it's SUCH an amazing song! But there's actually a LOT of stuff that goes with it. Some of you may have heard about all of the "drama" surrounding the song, but in a nutshell: this song was written by someone who was belly-up in sin, at the time. Now, I'm not hear to carry along the string of gossip - that's what google's for - but I bring that up to make a point. Even when something is born out of the worst of circumstances, God can turn it around for SO much good! So many people and churches and families have been touched by this song, even through the mistakes of a single man. That is SO powerful, in itself, but there's even more...

When I first heard her version, I just thought it was so cool to hear a chick singing it. There are lots of versions out there, right now, but I have had YET to hear a girl sing it. It was refreshing. It was really cool. And it was SUCH a slap in the face!

Remember how I said that I have this cookie-cutter vision of what worship music is supposed to be? Yeah. Well one of the pieces of that, for me, is how once a song is done - that's it. That's how it's supposed to be done. It's supposed to sound like that when you do it, too. (I told you I'm kind've screwed up, didn't I?) Kari Jobe is know for her pure-sounding and amazing voice, but this song was originally sung by someone who's voice is more... well... booming? Manly? I dunno... I'm not a thesaurus here, people. All I know is it was WAY different when I heard her singing it. But then I listened to it again, and it caught me off guard.

I think when we hear a song a time or two, we learn the words... and we just sing along. It's such a powerful song and it's got SUCH a great melody. Not to mention that the dynamic of the song, along, can bring almost anyone to their knees. But that fades the more we hear it. It becomes another song that we know and can add to our book-o-song-knowledge. So when we sing it, we don't mean it anymore. "Oh, this song is about Healing. Healing is a great concept, but I don't have cancer or anything like that. Sure, I believe that my God can heal, but I just really like this song!"

If this blog were a TV show, I wouldn't have to tell you that this was just a dramatization. I'm sure not a single one of you has ever had that view on any song. No. We've all got it together all of the time and none of us ever makes that mistake. I must be the only one.

*blank stare*

I hope you're picking up the INTENSE sarcasm that I'm putting down, becuase we've ALL done it. And do it regularly without even realizing it.


Hearing Kari Jobe's version caused me to stop and listen tot he words again. This song isn't just about physical healing. It's SO about WAY more than that. The title might be Healer, but look at the rest of the words. If you take out the word Heal (**) or Healer (><) and read the rest of the song... it's about SO much more than that.


Check it:

"You hold my every moment.
You calm my raging seas.
You walk with me through fire.
You ** all my disease.

I trust in you.
I trust in you.

I believe You're my ><.
I believe You are all I need.
I believe You're my portion.
I believe You're more than enough for me.
Jesus you're all I need.

Nothing is impossible for You.
Nothing is impossible.
Nothing is impossible for You.
For You hold My world in Your hands."


If I could verbally speak these words to you and emphasize the point I'm trying to drive home, it would be MUCH easier. But there is quite a limit to what you can relay in a blog. But don't worry - I'm still going to try. I'd never let you off that easily.

Do you really think, during the firestorms in your life, that he's walking with you? Do you really rest in that peace? Let me be honest, and hopefully you will to. I don't. I say I know he's there, but all I can feel are the flames. I know what we're "supposed" to feel, but that's not what I really feel. And when I don't have a clue what the next step is that I'm supposed to take - sure, I'll tell myself that "God ordains my every step" but I don't really feel it. As much as I pray "God give me direction", I've still got my foot out check all of the rocks around me to feel which one is the sturdiest. I'm not giving it to him like I say I am - I just know that I'm supposed to.

When it looks like I'm going to drown in my own sorrow or my own sing or my own doubt, it's easy to scream out "God help me!" but do I believe that he will? Or do I keep crying out in fear and helplessness and preparing myself for the lack of air?

Do I really trust in him? Do I trust in him enough to say it twice? Back to back, like in the song? I mean - when you believe something, and you are firm enough to say it twice... you don't hesitate. And it sounds really pretty in this song, but would I say it over and over again out loud to myself? Or to someone that's on the verge of death? Or to someone that's neck up in something out of their control that's still pulling them down?

This isn't that fun little trust game you played in youth camp where you crossed our arms over your chest, closed your eyes and fell backwards. This is life. This is God.

Do I really believe that God is all I need? Or do I still worry about what kind of car I'm driving or what kind of shoes I'm wearing? Do I believe the HE is my portion? That that I don't need any little side-helpings of something else to go along with it? Do I believe that He is MORE than enough for me? That he's overly supplying for me and I'm overflowing with him? Do I really believe that?

The biggest part, to me, is the Bridge. I was caught off guard in this song because I worry SO MUCH about everything. I look at what I feel God is calling me to do, and then I keep thinking "Well, I don't have any training in that. I have no degree. Where do I even begin? What do I even do to start heading in that direction? Which way IS that direction?" Or even worse, yet "I'm not quite as good as that person. They have more talent and more knowledge that I do. I cold never qualify to do something like this."


NOTHING is impossible for You.
NOTHING is impossible.
NOTHING is impossible for You.
You hold my WORLD in Your hands!


What is wrong with me? Why can I say it. And try over and over again to convince myself that I believe it, but then that split second that my faith in this is put to the test, I'm nervous and worried and second guessing EVERYthing. How jacked up is that?

And it doesn't matter that other people are affirming some of this stuff. All of my LIFE they've been affirming this stuff. Even outside of where I've seeked it out. Even when my mind is no where NEAR this topic. I've had people take something that I mean for something else and turn it around to affirm me, because God KNOWS that I need it. He's done everything to lead me up to this point in my life. And I STILL question whether or not He holds my every moment. Whether or not HE calms my raging seas and walks with me through fire. And even though it is this huge slap in His amazing face, He stops to reassure me ONE more time.


Some of you are in "Whoa" mode, as in "Whoa, it is NOT that serious, Sarah." But it is. How could it not be that serious? I say the right things and say that I believe it's all Him, but then I trip myself over my lack of confidence and a need for petty "qualifications".


God called Moses, a man with a friggin' speech impediment, to go before Pharoah and ORDER him... with his voice... the voice that wasn't perfect... the voice that people probably made fun of... the voice that wasn't perfect!! ... and HE was the one that ordered the ruler of that nation to follow God's command and set the Isrealites free. He used a man with the opposite of qualifications to do this. God used a man's biggest source of anxiety and humiliation to do his will. So then why do I still question things and worry so much and make so many STUPID EXCUSES?!?!



It's time to be real, people. Say nothing, if you can't admit to being just as guilty at one time or another. OR you can be vulnerable and talk about where you're screwing up JUST as much.

Or - if that's to big of a pill for you to swallow, tell me how the song "Healer" has impacted you.








**Haven't heard the song, yet? Go check it out. The original is by PlanetShakers, and Kari Jobe's version is also amazing.**

A Sermon, w/o A Single Word

A member of a certain church, who previously had been attending services regularly, stopped going. After a few weeks, the preacher decided to visit him.

It was a chilly evening. The preacher found the man at home alone, sitting before a blazing fire. Guessing the reason for his preacher's visit, the man welcomed him, led him to a comfortable chair near the fireplace and waited.

The preacher made himself at home but said nothing. In the grave silence, he contemplated the dance of the flames around the burning logs. After some minutes, the preacher took the fire tongs, carefully picked up a brightly burning ember and placed it to one side of the hearth all alone then he sat back in his chair, still silent.

The host watched all this in quiet contemplation. As the one lone embers' flame flickered and diminished, there was a momentary glow, and then its fire was no more. Soon it was cold and dead.

Not a word had been spoken since the initial greeting.

The preacher glanced at his watch and realized it was time to leave. He slowly stood up, picked up the cold, dead ember and placed it back in the middle of the fire. Immediately it began to glow, once more with the light and warmth of the burning coals around it.

As the preacher reached the door to leave, his host said, with a tear running down his cheek, 'Thank you so much for your visit and especially for the fiery sermon. I shall be back in church next Sunday."


We live in a world today, which tries to say too much with too little. Consequently, few listen. Sometimes the best sermons are the ones left unspoken.

Guilty as ALL get out

We're all guilty of it. Even though it comes in different forms, and even makes TOTAL sense, sometimes... that doesn't make it right. Right?! But it's just so natural. It happens without our even realizing it. And who can stop that? We still hold ourselves responsible, but it's just - we have the wrong aim. It's not us, it's them. What works for them doesn't work for everyone.

That line was advice given to us when McStudly and I were engaged. He met with a friend of ours and they had a good talk... about everything, pretty much. And it was nice. I don't know about all of it - it was guy talk. We women are only privied to some of it. But nonetheless, it was a great piece of advice. When he said it, he meant it for our relationship. It was pretty much about how you may look at other couples and things seem great, like they've got it all together. And where that may be true, you can't just try doing what they do in order to get your relationship to that level. Because what works for them may not work for you. And that's SO true!

But I woke up this morning realizing that we ALL so it, in one way, shape, or form. We ALL tend to look at someone and say 'they've got this right' or 'I really like they way they do that' or whatever. And that's all fine and well. But just because it works for them, doesn't mean it works for you. You aren't them!


I'm not making much sense, here (what else is new?!).


I have a tendency to do this to myself a LOT. For example, I listen to these great artists that I love, and I think 'I should make my music sound like this' or 'this look is really great', but that's not how it should be. It's fine to gain inspiration, and ideas, etc, but I'm NOT them! So why on EARTH should I try to model my music or life, even, after these people who were called to be that when I'm MADE to be something COMPLETELY different!

One of the Pastor's Wives at our church spoke a while back about being MADE. Got took the time to make us. To shape us. To detail us in the best way for our purpose. He doesn't make mistakes. So then WHY WHY WHY do I always try to change what and who I am? Improving myself, now that's a given, but I look the way I look for a reason. I sound the way I sound for a reason. I have the passions that and the drive that I have for a reason, and I need to stop trying to form them into what I think would be better. Because it WON'T be better. It'll be worse, because then I won't be who GOD made me to be, I'd be who I'm trying to shove myself into being.

I'm made to fill one certain space in this puzzle, and instead of just going there and piecing it together, I'm trying to JAM myself into this other spot WAY on the other side of the puzzle. And who wants green grass in their blue sky? I mean... doing this would only mess up the puzzle, right?! Not make it better!


So why do we do it? Why do I do it? Because I'm human and I'm stupid. But that's no excuse, because I need to get past this. It's going to be SO hard, because it's a habit of - oh - about 23 years! But I need to do it. Otherwise, what's the point?


If I can't accept the fact that God made me different to REMAIN different, then I'm a loser. And beyond accepting it, I need to pipe down and put it to good use! I need to stop fashioning myself to look/sound like others and just be ME in the way I was intended to be.





Am I the ONLY one that can see this in my life? Seriously?!

I think I need a trim.

Okay...

So I've been working on a song that's really been weighing heavy on me lately. But I'm WAY terrified to show it to anyone. I'm WAY over-critical of it and totally stabbing the life out of it.

I've written songs for years, now (something that, up until recently, most - if not all - of the people around me never knew), but I always come up with an excuse not to finish them or to put them away and not ever go back to them.

But then tell me why I still find myself singing them when I'm alone, sometimes... yeah... because I'm not fulfilling the whole idea of it.

There's a reason I am good with words and have a musical ear, right? But I'm just spitting in the sand and kicking rocks, all the while saying I'm not good enough to do it, or it's just too far out of my comfort zone.


Why won't I just get up off my butt and get real - this isn't about me. It never is. It never was!


I've been learning a lot, lately, and most of it is about what I'm doing wrong and what I've got to change. Honestly? That's what I need... I think we convince ourselves all the time 'ya know - We're doing alright. We're good people. We have good intentions. We're compassionate.'

That's not the point, though. That's what every Christian is to strive for. What in the world does that have to do with your individual purpose? Absolutely nothing.


So why do we just pacify ourselves with that? We're so alright just to lie to ourselves and live a simple little hunky-dory life that we totally miss the point.


This is about the second serious post I've posted in a row, but I am just there, right now, ya know? I am learning a lot, and finding out that all this time I've been putting down roots where they're not going to grow. It may hurt to pull them back up, but isn't that the point?


Through all of this, I've come to a sort of conclusion: I think I need a trim...


We've all heard about how we're supposed to bear fruit and how, in order for a vine to truly grow, it has to be pruned. Well, do you think pruning feels good? I submit that it does not!! (Just a little Brian Reagan for you. I needed to de-seriousify this post a bit ... and yes I'm well aware that "de-seriousify" is not a word, but who's counting?!)

In fact, a plant will actually die if you don't prune it. That's true. Go ahead and look it up. Check me - don't just take my word for it (not a good habit, people... don't just believe everything you hear).


I don't know about you, but I don't want to be some dead plant just taking up space and wasting away. Hence my need to pruning - I just need a little trim. You?





It's your turn - Where do you need to be pruned?

Dear Seda:

I'm not quite sure where to start in response to your comment on my "Serious Pill" blog, so I guess I'll just start from the beginning. However, please be warned - I am not perfect, and I by no means understand everything that other people claiming to be Christians may believe. But this is what I believe, and I hope it makes sense, without offending you.


I want to begin by apologizing - but I'm not sure how because I can't apologize for other people, though I wish it were that simple. It breaks my heart when people are judged or outcast for whatever reason, but I have to admit I've done it myself. I'm not perfect, and I continue to struggle with this. I wish people didn't, as you say, "drive the ambulance away as soon as you see the person falling is gay or transgendered." but I'm afraid that is how some people react. And that's very unfortunate because that is NOT the kind of love that Jesus teaches us to portray.


Getting back to my other blog, though... the intent of the quote was, I believe, to encourage Christians to help people NOT to stumble, or fall, and to take more of a preventative approach (putting a fence at the top of the cliff), rather than to stand around, waiting to pick up the pieces after they have fallen (the ambulance). But you make an interesting point about the people who hop in the ambulance and speed away, instead of choosing either of the two options mentioned in the quote, depending on the kind of person that comes to the edge.


Now this is where I need you to be open minded in hearing my opinion. I don't intend to shove it down your throat, but I would really like for you to hear me out, rather than writing me off as "one of those": I do not agree with same-sex marriage, and let me explain why. I believe that marriage was instituted to be between a man and a woman. So in this belief, the relationship between two people of the same gender does not fall under this. I know you disagree, so, again, I'm not trying to shove my opinion down your throat, but I can't sit here and pretend that I believe it's ok. I DO, however, think that it's your decision. And I also believe that even though this is considered a sin in my line of beliefs, it is also not at ALL different nor held on any different level than other things we consider a sin, such as lying, stealing, etc., which many who proclaim to be Christians struggle with daily.

But I say all of this to respond to your comment saying we should write our senators and legislators asking them to legalize same-sex marriage. I wouldn't do this, though in the same respect, I'm not asking them to keep it illegal, either, and I'm not ever going to protest at a wedding, or funeral, or anything just because I disagree with something that someone else did or chose, because that's not loving people. That's judging, and the Bible is clear on this - not to point out the speck of sawdust on someone else's eye, when I have an entire log in my own (Matthew 7:3). In other words - I'm not perfect, so it would be hypocritical of me to expect anyone else to be and to worry more about other people's shortfalls then focusing on correcting my own. In other words, I will not "fight so hard" to prevent you from enjoying the rights that we ourselves take pride in. I may disagree with things, but I also won't make it a point to shove my beliefs down any one's throat. I love sharing my opinions with people, as well as hearing theirs - after all, isn't that how it's supposed to be? Isn't that how we learn and grow?


As Christians, Christ tells us to love people. If anyone can show me a verse in the Bible where he himself did these things (protesting at weddings, funerals, etc., or writing his leaders against laws being passed), or anything like them, then maybe I'll reconsider my stance on the topic. But isn't our goal, as Christians, supposed to be striving to be like Christ?


So in response to your last paragraph - it breaks my heart when I hear things like that. Your friends were granted a marriage, and then the county decided to annul it out of the blue. I can only imagine how hurt they were, and how much pain that must have caused them, and may even still cause them to this day. They've been faithful to each other for 16 years, and this, in ANY kind of a relationship (especially these days), is commendable.


I guess I say all of this (hoping it makes sense to you) to say that whether or not I agree with someone's lifestyle or decision, doesn't change the fact that I try my hardest to love them. And I fall short. I screw up. I make BIG mistakes and I judge people sometimes. It's awful, and I shouldn't do it, but I'm not perfect.


Will you do me a favor as I work even harder not to judge people in the ways you say we Christians have? As I do this, will you also try and not judge all Christians by the inconsiderate and judgemental actions of some? It hurts some of us just a much to be bunched in with a group of radical, hateful people who try to use Bible verses completely out of context to prove their point and tell people that God doesn't love them because of one reason or another.



Maybe if we both work to correct these stereotypes, then eventually people can get along a little easier. I know that sounds very "sunshine and and bunnies", but... it doesn't hurt to dream, right?


And for the record: God DOES love you and he loves every gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transsexual person JUST AS MUCH as he loves heterosexuals. So who are we to be any different?


I hope this helped and has answered your questions. If not, or if you have any more questions PLEASE feel free to ask and I'll do my best to answer them as best I can. Take care!





Sincerely,
- Sarah :-)

Serious Pill

I didn't mean to take one, today, but it seams that they must have gotten mixed up with my Happy Friday Vitamins. So today - a dose of seriousness.


I read a quote today, in reference to some shortfalls of a well-known evangelist of our day, and it sort of slapped me in the face with way more meaning than I think the writer may have intended. I'll share it with you... and then tell you what it made me think.



"As good as it is to have an ambulance at the bottom of the cliff to help the injured, it is much better to have a fence at the top of the cliff to prevent someone from going over."



Now - maybe that's not a new quote, and maybe I'm just slow off the gate with it, but... it speaks a lot to me. Let me essplain...



As Christians, sometimes we wait for God to bring them to church so that we can "love on" them. Or we wait for the Pastor to bring them to the altar so we can "pray into" their lives. Or even more still, we wait until they respect us and our beliefs before we respect them and theirs (Ouch!). So, tell me - are we being a fence, or an ambulance?



I'm sure there are a lot of other examples in our lives of when we do this, but it really caught me off guard. I'd LOVE to hear your comments and opinions on this topic... or even just the quote.






And just a little encouragement - Speak up! God may be able to hear you, but what about the world around you?