What's Next

I mentioned before that there's a lot going on in the Puhl house. A lot of what, you may ask?


Waiting.


A whole lot of waiting. And praying. And wondering. And begging for direction. And guidance. And... just... something...


There's still a lot of waiting to be had, but I wanted to share with you a part of the talk that Studly and I had this weekend.


sidenote: Isn't it just so refreshing sometimes to connect with your spouse on a whole new level? Or maybe not as "new" as just... it's been a while. We have had a great time together the past week or two, and I feel like we're both growing so much through all of this. But individually and together, as a couple. It's just like a breath of fresh air.


Anywho - back to what I wanted to share with you. But in order to tell you that, I need to share with you a story, first. There are many versions, but here's the basic idea:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An older woman, known for her faith, is in her home when she hears an emergency notification on the radio. An obviously concerned news person alerts everyone in the small valley-town that the local river's dam is in danger of breaking any minute and all should flee to higher grown immediately. Not a moment passes after the old woman's prayer to God is finished and there's a knock on her front door.

A younger neighbor, one who regularly assists the elderly woman with yard work and basic house maintenance, tells her that she needs to grab her purse and nothing else and get in the truck with their family. They are heading up the mountain to higher ground to wait out the coming flood.

"No, you go ahead. My Lord will save me."

He pleads with her for a few moments, before realizing that it's useless, and reluctantly leaves, driving his family to the safety of the higher ground.

Sure enough, not 20 minutes later the water is rising around her home. It begins seeping in under the doors, and eventually the windows, as well... so the elderly woman heads upstairs, praying for rescue still, in order to stay dry.

Upon reaching her bedroom and closing the door behind her, she opens a window to the sounds of an approaching speed boat. A fireman calls out to the woman, "Climb into the boat! We'll take you to safety. The waters are rising fast. We have to hurry!"

"No, no," she says stubbornly. "My Savior will rescue me. You go save the others!" Slightly annoyed, yet extremely concerned, the fireman insists that she climb into the boat, but she closes the window and turns away. The fireman drives on, saying a prayer for the woman as he leaves.

As the water begins to slowly trickle into her room, she pulls down the attic steps, climbs up, and then climbs through the low window out onto the roof of her house. Once she settles into a spot near the peak of the roof, she closes her eyes and begins humming and singing the hold hymns that she sang growing up. Songs of God's incredible faithfulness and abounding love. Songs of his provision and salvation.

From a distance the sounds of a helicopter grew louder and louder, until the wind created by the beating blades could be felt on the old woman's face. A rope ladder is thrown down from the open side door, and a voice shouts over a speaker, "Ma'am! Grab onto the ladder, we will pull you up!"

"Leave me here! My Jesus will rescue me!"

"But, ma'am, we just came from the river and the rain up north is causing even more flooding than we expected... you must come quick!"

"No. I will be fine! My Lord will not forsake me!"

Defeated, the pilot orders the ladder pulled up and turns the helicopter away.

Sure enough, the waters continue to rise, and the woman is ultimately swept away by the raging waters. Unable to keep herself afloat, within moments she finds herself standing in front of Jesus.

"My Lord!! My Lord, I waited for You! I thought surely You would hear my cries and save me from this flood... why didn't You come for me?"

With more love than anyone could imagine, and without the even the smallest amount of frustration or annoyance, he looked her in the eye and said, "My child, I sent you an urgent warning, a neighbor's car, a fireman's boat, and ultimately a helicopter. I did not forsake you. I would never leave you, nor forsake you."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Whew. Pardon me while I wipe the tears away... that story gets me choked up even just thinking about it. I mean, don't get me wrong - there's a whole comedic aspect to it, too. But just thinking about God's faithfulness, even in the midst of our stubborn ignorance... it's just amazing to me, the God that we serve.

Our decision to believe in him means nothing in the concept of his existence. And with that comes his grace - he is not an angry God, casting out punishments, and sentences for our actions, but rather a loving God that allows us to make the decisions we choose, even knowing that it would end in our hurt and ultimately his heartache. All of the anger and wrath and disappointment he had for us died on the cross, and now we are left with nothing but forgiveness and his amazing mercy and grace beyond anything we're capable of comprehending in this life.

That's how much he loves us!


Sorry. I know I got off topic, but that story is just such an amazing reminder of his faithfulness, to me.


So... back to what I originally planned to share with you -

There are a lot of possibilities swirling around the Puhl house. And we're really eager to jump at one of them... for a lot of reasons, but don't want to force it. We really truly want to be where God wants us. We want his will to be done in our lives and want that so much.

We believe that he puts desires in our heart for a reason, but we also know that at times we are the ones burning those desires, ourselves.

Basically, we're feeling stuck in this place of wanting to push for it, but not wanting to force it, either. We want to put forth all energy and effort that we can to make it happen, but at the same time we don't want to MAKE it happen, ya know? We're praying about it. Praying that God's will be made clear to us, but we know that sometimes we need to learn patience in these situations.

But we also don't want to sit back and do nothing, expecting God to literally force it on us, either. He won't do that. Sure, he can... but I don't believe that he would... not in this situation. SO we also struggle with not wanting to be like the old woman in the story above, where we insist, to a fault, that God will intervene, when that could be exactly what he's doing right now.


Either way, we're in a holding pattern. We'd appreciate any prayers you'd be willing to give for us, at this time. Prayers for patience, and peace in the situation. Prayers for God's will and his direction in the decision-making process. Prayers for sanity and strength through it all.


And I'll update you as I can. I promise.



But that's it for now... just a little tidbit of what we've been dealing with. Trying not to over-think things, and trying even harder to remember that we are so very small compared to our larger-than-life God.

...And finding peace in knowing that.

My Voice

This post will probably not get all positive feedback. And ya know what? I'm okay with that.


I started this blog a while ago as a way to be able to express myself and do anything from blabbering on about nothing to getting y'alls advice on situations I find myself in, as well as expressing my personal opinions and beliefs in an appropriate setting.

If nothing else, I've somehow managed to make some good friends along the way. But on top of that amazing plus, my husband is ever-so-grateful to not have to listen to be babble on and on about something he could care less about... which as a woman is half of what I babble on about. (Can I get an "amen"?!)


Anywho - I say all of that to say this: sometime that "blabbering" involves an issue that people aren't as open-minded about. I think I've done a pretty good job (if I do say so myself, that is) at keeping that to a pretty good minimum... but this tends to be a topic that gets people heated. And since it's not quite winter here in these parts, let's keep the heat to a minimum, if we can. Also, please remember that as the blog owner, I reserve the right to delete/deny any comments that are drama-filled. I will NOT delete comments simple for the fact that they hold different opinions. That you can count on. But if things get ugly, or something is blatantly hurtful, then I'll get to clicking.


Now that I've probably scared everyone away, here's what I was prepping you for.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I'm Pro-Life.


There. I said it. I don't think that's necessarily a secret, seeing as how I've posted on the counselling I do in the local pregnancy clinic, but in case I haven't come right out with it in the past, there it is.

I am Pro-Life in that I believe life begins at the moment of conception. Try as you may, but you'll have a hard time convincing me otherwise. I believe that the instant that an individual full-set of 46 chromosomes appears, with a different set of DNA from that of the mother, I call that life.

I won't start spilling out anything more on that particular topic, really... at least I don't intend to, at this point. But I want to make it clear that I believe life begins as soon as the egg is fertilized by the sperm. So I've said it. There shouldn't be any confusion at this point.


But where it does get confusing is here: There's a political ad running in the DC area (which we happen to be kind've close to, and thus are subject to the ads from time to time) that shows graphic images of aborted fetuses. It's picture after picture of different aborted babies after an abortion. According to several articles on the ads, the candidate that is running the ads is only running to be able to show the ads on television.

You see, there's a law in effect that prevents any network or cable television channel from being able to alter a political ad in any way. I get this. It's to protect the ads from unwarranted editing which would make them appear and/or sound different than the candidate actually intended them to be. And the networks/cable stations are also prohibited from shifting/changing the ad to any air-time other than was was intentionally purchased by the candidate. I get it. This keeps a network/station that is more strongly affiliated with one political party from being able to mess with the ad of a candidate with another political party. It totally makes sense.


But I don't agree with this ad.


I feel that the candidate has "played" the system. And as pro-life as I am, I do NOT think that it's okay to subject children and/or forcing mothers of previous abortions to have to see these images. Granted, you can turn the channel. But you shouldn't have to. This crosses a line in my book.


I will, however, say this. I do believe that these kinds of images should be viewed by those currently in the positions of authority and/or are in law-making positions. Congress. The Senate. Any member in the law-making/law-enforcing divisions of government should be required to so photos of a fetus before, during, and after an abortion procedure has taken place. I feel that they should have to see it to make a truly informed decision. There should be absolutely no bias or prejudice in making these decisions, thus I believe that all of this should be taken in to account when major decisions are being made.


I just feel like there's a better way to do this. I don't believe that ignorance is an excuse. But instead of slapping people in the face with images of dead babies, why not display statistics of the effects of PAS on women who have had abortions, and how common it is for it to lead to suicide. What about exposing the manipulation and lack of care given to these women seeking abortions by organizations such as Plann3d Par3nthood and the like. Why not out them so as to expose their inconsistencies and self-serving "relationship" building techniques with teenagers, when they are only seeking to build future business. Why not stick with the truth about life - when the heart begins beating (fyi: 21 days after conception, on day 35 of pregnancy), and when we form our very own fingerprints, or when we can start blinking our eyes and making facial expressions, or begin to feel pain, (as measured by fetal response to stimulus)... why do we exploit the innocent bodies of dead babies, instead of defending their right to life and encouraging when that life happens?


As a Christian, I have a hard time believe that if Jesus had the technology, he would've shown murderers pictures of dead people and abortion-minded women pictures of their dead babies. I can't imagine that this is what he would've done. Call me crazy. He never once flaunted someone's sin in front of a group of people. He gave grace abundantly and hurt for the sinner. He hurt for the adulterer AND the ones who threw stones at her. He hurt for the men who hung on the cross next to him - BOTH of them.


He hurt for me.


And he loved me.


He still does. My Jesus didn't spit in my face and make me watch the mistakes I made over and over. He didn't make me relive it. He forgave me and brought me peace.


What are we doing? Marching with pictures of dead babies raised high or airing "political ads" with their faces plastered on the screen. What does that accomplish?

It doesn't make people rethink their position on abortion. It doesn't cause people to choose life, rather than abortion. It accomplishes nothing but setting us back. It makes people lash out in anger and consider all pro-lifers to be radical freaks set out to make people uncomfortable.


It makes someone like me - someone that's more sure than anything that life beings at conception - sad to be clumped into the same group as these people.


For anyone that's seen the ad and been hurt or offended by it, I am so sorry. There's nothing I can do to stop them from airing it, and there's no way I can take that back, but I can apologize for it and tell you that not all of those that are pro-life would agree with this.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Now back to the topic of my being pro-life... leaving this ad behind.


I'm sure there are quite a few people that would argue that I'm soft or "on the fence", but I assure you that I am not. Let me explain:

Again I'll say - I am 100% pro-life. I don't agree with abortion. When people argue for abortion purely for the sake of rape and incest victims, I'd like to remind them that 1) that only accounts for less than 6% of abortions in the US today, and 2) I'm not talking about this. I don't believe that abortion is right in any circumstance (and statistics have shown that the majority of these victims have claimed their abortion to have felt more like a 2nd death), but that's not what this particular blog is about. And I don't always say that, because I'm never going to succeed in accomplishing anything by starting an argument with someone.


For the time being, I'm talking about the other 94% of abortions.


I keep saying that one of these days I will post the abortion procedure in non-colorful, fact only layman's terms. Many people do not know the actual procedure for several reasons 1) they've never needed to, 2) they've never had one, 3) they've had one but didn't receive any kind of walk-through of the surgical procedure before-hand, or 4) didn't want to know. And maybe that post is long overdue... I'll see if I can work on it sometime soon.

(I assure you, it is not a colorful opinion-filled explanation of the process. It is the simple fact-only version we are permitted to give tot he clients at the pregnancy clinic, where we are not at all allowed to express our personal beliefs on the topic. Therefore, I can't imagine anyone being offended, but I'm sure it's about to happen. There will be a large warning before it begins, so anyone that is squeamish or uninterested will know to skip the post.)


But whatever the case may be, I struggle with one thing. And this may be where some people start disagreeing with me, if they aren't already. I struggle with the fact that I believe abortion is murder. Some of you have rolled your eyes, but let me explain it this way - as I stated before, I believe that life begins at conception. I believe that the minute that the sperm fertilizes the egg, there is life. There is human life. In that instance, 23 chromosomes from the mother, and 23 chromosomes from the father unite to create a 46 chromosomed individual human life. Yes, that life is dependant on another for 9 months, but there is no instance in nature where the life of the baby is not dependant on the assistance and/or nurture of another party (I could easily take a rabbit trail here about how quick people are defend helpless animals, but are quicker still to write off a fetus as a human life... but I'll try to stick to the subject at hand).

So my stance in being pro-life doesn't necessarily, in this case, involve my religious beliefs. I could absoLUTEly involve them to continue to back my opinion, but it doesn't matter. I don't believe that is what should convince people to be pro-life.

And this is where people question my beliefs. But I assure you that I am still 100% a believer in God. I just have to say, that when you start pulling religion into politics, in this country, you walk a very thin line. If we use religion as a foundation for law in a country that no longer recognizes their history of being founded on the principles of God, then we risk them allowing people with other religious beliefs to do the same.

Now don't get me wrong, I wish that this country would turn back to God. I think it would solve problems way easier and faster than anyone could imagine, but the issue of when life begins, though it is absolutely and 100% a God ordained design, can't be based solely on that principle.


When our only way to reason with non-believers is based solely on our interpretation of the Bible, we can't be shocked when they think we're crazy. If we believe something, and someone else doesn't, then they won't be able to see things the same way that we do. And telling them that abortion is wrong because it's a sin doesn't accomplish anything with a person who doesn't believe in the word "sin" to begin with. It'd be like arguing our point in French to someone who only speaks English. It'll only cause them to get angry and frustrated and write us off all the more.


Does that make sense?


And where I am not saying that we should exclude our biblical beliefs in making our decisions or relying on them to help us in choosing who to vote for or which laws should be put in effect, I am saying that it's no way to back a decision to a no longer God-fearing government or world.


So to argue it outside of religious beliefs, if at all possible, I say this: I believe that life begins at conception, when 46 chromosomes appear and a unique set of DNA has been created. And in showing that the heart begins beating before the woman would know she is pregnant, I can't imagine how abortion isn't considered murder, when the definition of death in the medical dictionary is this: the irreversible cessation of all vital functions especially as indicated by permanent stoppage of the heart, respiration, and brain activity. So then, if the heart is already beating, and we can detect the presence of the use brain waves in a fetus as early as 21 days from conception, how then is their death not considered murder?

And furthermore, the Declaration of Independence, the very constitution that this country clings so tightly to, reads that all men are created equal, and are endowed 3 certain unalienable Rights: life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. Where then have we lost sight of the right to life. And who gets to decide who is and is not in fact warranted these rights.






Well, I'm eager to hear what you have to say, and I think I've babbled on long enough, on the subject, so I'll leave you with this:

"We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness. — That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed, — That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness."






Thanks for stopping by, guys. :-)

Barometric Pressure

This Barometric Pressure shift is really messing with my head today... literally.

I called in to work to tell them I'd be going in late today.

And I was completely genuine when I said that my head was pounding. I took some medicine and went to lay back down, hoping that would help a bit, and then I'd go in at lunchtime.

So I lay back in bed, trying to go to sleep (it's always sooo much harder when you're fighting one of these splitting AND throbbing headaches. Double whammy. Be still my heart. *sigh).

As you can tell from the fact that I'm writing a blog right now, I am not able to sleep. My head is ssllooowwwwllly feeling better, but something even bigger happened. I'm being 100% vulnerable with you guys today (like I'm not usually?! Ha). I was trying to think about something... anything to get my mind off of the pain so that I could sleep and it would go away. Sounds like a good enough plan, right?!

Yeah. God thought so, too.

He knew it would happen. He knows how I tick. He knows what happens when the barometric pressure drops or raises (whatever it is, today) and my head starts running the show. He knows what my usual plan is to make the day bearable again, and he knew it would happen today. Right?! Right.

I started (don't even remember it getting there, actually, but grateful that it did, to be honest) thinking about running. I think it was because today is a running day for me (this evening, anyways), and how I'm meeting a girlfriend for dinner, so it'll be a late run, and possible hard to do since it's supposed to rain and/or I'll have just eaten... blah blah blah. It doesn't matter, really. But here's what does -

As I sat there thinking about my training for this 1/2 marathon in December and how it benefits a foundation which would find a cure and/or treatment(s) for a disease... I began thinking about all of the other races out there.

In that moment, I felt God directing me. And I felt it so strongly that I started to cry.

I still keep welling up, even as I write this post. I sat. I googled. And after seeing that there are similar events, but nothing quite like it, I just knew...

Now, I don't have all of the details or logistics, yet. I don't have a clue how it'll work or when it'll happen. All I know is this:

Through God's grace, I am going to organize a race.

Ideally, it will mix a 5k, 10k, 1/2 and full marathon, so that anyone with any and all background in running/walking - rolling, for that matter - can participate.

And every bit of the money raised will go to building water wells in 3rd world countries.

As I lay there thinking about how I would need to hydrate at the right time for my run tonight, and then what hydrating would be like during the race. My mind wandered to people that don't have water. And then it wandered to people that have to walk a marathon or more just to get to water... water that may or may not even be clean...

My heart just broke.

How silly am I? I'll tell you: I am a self-proclaimed water snob. I don't like Deer Park because, to me, it tastes peppery. I don't like Dasani because, well, it tastes like chemicals. I'm fine with most, but not all, tap water and I prefer the water from my Pur water filter at home...

???

How much more of a selfish, spoiled little ungrateful girl can I be?!?! I'll probably still prefer water this way. But honestly, AT LEAST I HAVE CLEAN WATER available at my FINGERTIPS pretty much any time I want it.

I'm not saying any of this to sound holier than thou or anything - this was a very very personal conviction. Well, less of a conviction, really, and more of an appreciation for my American comforts, all while there are people that still die of dehydration.

That sounds so... Hollywood 'Sahara Desert", doesn't it? Or so "Oregon Trail"...

But it's true.

And it breaks God's heart to see some of his people living so comfortably, all while some of his children SUFFER just because there in another part of the world... and world which, in it's entirety, was created by his own hand.

I won't sit here and say that he looks down on us for that. I don't believe that. But what is wrong with us, as Christians... Heck - as a human race - if we just sit back and do nothing with something so simple?!

This is true for any and every sadness in this world, really: Human trafficking. Slavery. Drug smuggling and addiction. Terrorism. Abuse. Neglect. Corrupt government. Greed. Gluttony. The fact that the porn industry is one of the most successful. I could go on for quite some time, unfortunately, but this just isn't the point.

How hard could it be to give clean water to a village. We have the capabilities. We have the technology. We have the manpower and the resources. I mean... water is one of the most abundant resources on earth, and yet people grow ill and die because it's out of their reach.

So I've done just a little bit of research in the past hour (Trust me, there will be MUCH more done), but here's what I found from one reputable organization that helps collect money to build wells... in Africa, specifically (for the record... I want to even go beyond Africa, but this is a huge starting point, and there is a HUGE need there):

"Every day, nearly 4,000 children die as a result of drinking unsafe water. Every 22 seconds a child perishes from waterborne diseases such as typhoid, cholera, and dysentery. Six million people are blind as a result of contaminated water and bacteria. Please help bring safe, clean water to children and families across Africa.

To give water is to give life. Clean water can cut a community’s child mortality rate in half. It means food for families whose crops are failing due to drought. It saves livestock. It gives parents a powerful way to improve the health, hygiene, and well-being of their children, and enable them to reach their God-given potential.

Your gift will help us dig wells to bring safe, clean water to thousands. You can also help provide purification equipment to treat contaminated water, and water storage containers to save fresh rainwater for later use. And, most importantly, your gift will help improve children’s health with sanitation systems that keep water sources clean.

No other gift produces a more dramatic effect on life than clean water and sanitation. You can help wash away suffering by providing access to one of life’s most precious resources..."

Can you believe that? Look at that first paragraph again: 4,000 children a day. Every 22 seconds!! That is just gut-wrenching.

And read those diseases again - typhoid, cholera, dysentery. The only thing I know about those illnesses is that your eldest daughter in Oregon Trail almost always die from something like that... or diarrhea. But I have don't even have any idea what that looks like, much less what it feels like or how rough it can be on the body of a child.

Well, that's that. This is what's on my heart, right now. I just talked to McStudly about it and I'm snotting like a baby, again.

Wow. Even with all of the crying and blubbering... my head feels a lot better.

So here's what I need from you guys:

#1 - your opinion. Do you think it's something people would do? I mean, with God ALL ALL ALL things are possible, but I'm being a silly little girl and wondering if people will do it.

#2 - your voice. I want TONS of opinions, here. I want to hear from people who run and people who don't even walk more than to the mailbox. I want to know if this is a cause they'd push themselves for. So do me a favor - spread the word about this and encourage other people to comment, as well.

#3 - your experience. Have you ever started your own race before? Do you know someone who has? Have you ever been part of a "1st" race before?

#4 - your suggestions. I was thinking it'd be super cool to have the race somehow involve Embassy row in DC, but the realist in me knows that probably couldn't happen. But who knows, right?! Are there any other locations that you think would be awesome? Maybe starting and finishing the race in Baltimore at the World Trade Center in the Harbor would be awesome. Ideas, people... give me ideas!

#5 - your support. I know this is a huge feat. I need lots of prayer. Tons of encouragement, and a whole Whole WHOLE love of accountability. Ask me about it. Challenge me. Call me out on other posts. Remind me what God's placed on my heart and don't let me get caught up or distracted by little petty things, but keep me focused.

#6 - your help. This could be monetarily as we move closer to the race. This could be signing up and running it with us. This could be cheering us on through the process or on the sidelines of the race... handing out water and goodies to the runners.

Anywhere you can help, I'd be GREATly appreciative. I do still plan to run the 1/2 marathon in December, if I can, to benefit Crohns' and Colitis. It's still something near to me and my husband, since he was diagnosed last June. But even beyond running, I'll get to see that a race of this size is like and how it's organized. I may even get to make a few contacts while I'm there? At least that's what I'm hoping. So continue to pray for us with regard to that race, as well. We need to race a good amount of money and will need a lot of support and encouragement through the training... and we can always use prayer - can't get enough of it!

You'll see a little link or some "Donate" button action in the coming months, so help us spread the word when that pops up. the less stressed we are on raising funds for this race, then the more I can focus on preparing, planning, and organizing the Race for Water (I'm not sure if that's what we'll be calling it, yet, but we'll get to those details later, eh?!).

I pray that God will provide every single cent, and then some for this race in December, as I know he can. And then for the Race for Water, he'll continue to provide: Every single runner. Every single penny through fundraising. Every cup of water needed for the race, and thus every drop of water through a well to villages and countries in need around the world.

Today, I'm thinking God for shifting Barometric Pressure... just remind me of that the next time I complain about a headache, will ya?!

Like a Stick in the Mud

This has been a whirlwind of a weekend. Where do I begin? Oh, I know where I'll begin, because I can only really even write about a few things (the down side to having people you know read your blog...).

Well, we just got word that some good friends of ours are leaving. Pastor Travis (our worship pastor) and Leann, along with their two little ones.

It sucks.

To be honest - it's strange how much this is effecting me. I consider them dear friends, and he has actually been kind've a mentor to me for the past year plus. Not to mention they're just plain ol' fun to be with. But even as I sit here typing this up, I find myself crying (...again...).


I get it that people come and go in your life. And I've only even known them for a little less than 2 years. I guess I've just grown really fond of them? I don't know... like I said, it's kind've strange how much this is effecting me. I almost feel stupid. Hopefully it doesn't weird them out to hear that. ha.

But I can honestly say that I hope we remain friends, even after they are gone. We don't know, yet, just how far away they'll be going or where they'll be... they're still trying to figure that out. But for some reason I'm really having a hard time with this.


Gosh dang it. My tear-ducts must be broken... there's a leak or something. Any eye plumbers out there??


I know that God's got plans for them. And I know that he's got plans for me. To prosper all of us and not to harm us. To bring glory to him. I just hate that those plans are going to be in different places, even if just for now. It sucks.


But I know that his ways are higher than mine. I can't even begin to comprehend what he's doing in and around us. I just hate it when it hurts, ya know?


And what makes this weekend even more difficult (and probably why the shut-off valve for my eyes is MIA) is the stuff that I can't really write about. I wish I could. I want answers to some things. I feel like I deserve some answers!! And hey - maybe you guys could shed some light on some stupid situations, but unfortunately I'm left without.

Honestly - I wish I could just dump it all out there. I want to just get it off my chest, but I just don't feel right about it, right now. And it sucks. Dang it - why am I such a freaking nice person?! Ugh!!

Some of it is related to the above, and some is not. So if you're reading this and you know me, and you're wondering why I'm being such a big weird baby, then know that there's more at play.

And you know how it is... a piece of paper doesn't weigh much, but when you start to stack it all up, and then fill a box, and then another... it starts to really weigh you down.

I just feel so torn. I feel stuck. I've really felt like God has been moving me in a certain direction, and now I keep asking myself if I just misheard or misunderstood him.

But his sheep will know his voice. And the Lord confides in those who fear him. That's what my bible tells me... what my Jesus tells me. And I believe it.

...and that's why I'm so confused! Because what I feel and what I'm experiencing don't add up. God's saying "apples" and all I'm seeing are oranges. I'm surrounded by oranges. Oranges. ORANGES!

What the heck?!

And I think, too, that I got so caught off guard because I wasn't expecting ANYthing like this. I did NOT see this coming at all (back to the original subject here, folks).

But then it did.

And I realized how much I take for granted.

Period.

Even just in general.

But I was asked by several people, this morning, how I was doing. They're the ones leaving, and people have been asking how I was doing. So to most of them I just replied that I'm doing good. That I'll obviously miss them (they have no idea, I'd bet), but I know God's got a plan a-working and things all work out for his glory.

But then one person asked me how I was doing, and I began spouting off what became my routine answer, and all of a sudden I sprung a leak, again! I had been fine ALL morning, and then BAM.

I felt like SUCH a dweeb.

But I think we both knew that he wasn't asking for the standard answer, but he wanted to truth. And, well, he got it. I started crying, again, and just smiled. He said "yeah. I figured..." and said that he'd be praying for me. Which is all he can do, really.

Again... have I mentioned that I totally feel like a dweeb with how much this is effecting me.

It's just that we'd made so much progress, I felt. We were doing things. I've been growing so much.

And even through it all... last night as I was trying to go to sleep and my mind just would NOT stop running in circles... I just felt like God was pushing this song back at me that I had been working on a while ago. One that I had worked on with Travis and didn't get very far. And then he came back with some changes to the melody and, again, it kind've stayed in that stage for a while.

But last night I just couldn't sleep and I couldn't stop thinking through this song. I felt like God was really just leading me to focus on it, and I just really couldn't help but do just that.

In God's grace and sovereignty, I feel like I might've finished it last night. And I don't know how I did that without crying (I told you I've been a weepy mess... poor McStudly), though, in the interest of full disclosure, I did get choked up by that knot in my throat...

You know what's funny? I made it through this last night without a single tear, but as I prepare to write the words to the song here on the blog, I am crying yet again (or still, maybe?).

Anyways - here it is. Not all of it, but the main point of it, in poetic order as I'm feeling right now (so, basically, not in song format or order):

Our hearts now changed by your love

Your praise my lips will still proclaim

Who can ever compare to You,

God, I'll never be the same

You're my strength when I have none

You're my vict'ry, You're the one

I may stumble, I may fall

But by Your grace, You're my all

You're my all

You make life out of death

You bring peace and rest

You're my all in all

You bring joy in my pain

Time and time again

Jesus, You're my all

So yeah. I cried. I took a break. I think I'm past it, now, but Lord knows it'll probably come back in a second or two.

Basically, I'm a big huge dork baby and I probably need a midol or something (I promise I don't usually cry this much, no matter how much McStudly probably says otherwise) and I'll be fine. But I'm not happy about this change.

*insert pouty lip and child-like tantrum stomping here*

But I'll accept it, because... well, what other choice do I have?!

I just know that I will really miss them more than I thought I would miss someone I've only known for not-even 2 years. And I hope I haven't freaked them out by saying so. ha ha

Keep praying for me, guys. And please add our church to your list, if you can. We need to find a new worship leader and transition as smoothly as possible. And hopefully some other big bits of my mess can be cleaned up soon...

...to include the puddles caused by my leaky eye-holes. *sigh*

Love you guys. Thanks for letting me blubber on here. And count your blessings that this is not a video blog because I am NOT a cute crier. No no... not in the slightest.

Snot ya later.

Provision

It's been a great year... and I've been blog-M.I.A. for most of it (yeah. Sorry about that!), but it's been great, nonetheless.

With so much that's happened this year, I can't help but see God's hand and provision in our lives. Even through that crazy chaotic man-made house flood of ours, we received new carpet throughout the house, tiling in the bathroom (which we would've had to pay for ourselves), fresh new paint in various rooms... we couldn't have PLANNED that!

When McStudly was diagnosed with Crohns' disease, even after several hospital stays and medical appointments... countless pills and medicine trials... we hardly payed a dime for any of it (I actually don't think that we payed anything for any of it). We had amazing medical coverage through the military, fabulous doctors and facilities in our local area, understanding bosses and co-workers that covered for us, supportive family that checked in on us, and fabulous friends that helped make sure we felt loved and were taken care of. We couldn't have ASKED for anything better!

Even in our finances I can see him working. When bills came in higher than planned for (like when the electric company WAY overestimated our charges: think 8 months worth of bill credits) and life just... happened - cracked windshields, a sick dog, and home makeover mishaps (plenty of those in this house) - we were covered.

Just this month, Austin had quite a few dollars spent on vet bills... and by quite a few I mean the total is now over $1.2k on something as simple as ringworm (PS: much more serious on dogs, than humans, fyi). Somehow we were able to pay for (not charge) his vet bills the first time around... don't ask me how! But I thought for sure that there would be no way we could do it again. And I was right - we could not. But with God, all things are possible - and we are able to do it again. The vet said he needs one more round of meds to be sure it doesn't come back, and "somehow" we have the extra money to pay for that and his boarding expenses. I noticed last week, after doing some quick budget math (am I the only one that keeps a spreadsheet for each month that details how much goes to which bills for each paycheck, how much into savings, how much for spending, etc? Okay... call me precise and just shy of obsessive, but it works.) that we had about an extra $1k in savings that I couldn't really account for. Every bill is payed and already pulled up to date. There are no pending checks, and no pending withdrawals. We had planned to use the extra money to pay off our credit card, but when Austin needed vet visits, I knew it would be going towards that instead. But here's the cool part: we somehow didn't spend much (hardly any) of our allotted spending money over vacation... That's about $150 that we didn't use. And $269 just came in the mail as a reimbursement from our first round of vet bills (have I mentioned that I absolutely LOVE having pet insurance? Cause I do.) which I had totally forgotten about.

That's a total of: $419.00 that I had no way of accounting for beforehand. It was like surprise money... bonus cash.

So when I went to pick up Austin this morning from the vet's office, where he was boarding and had been re-checked by the vet, guess how much I had to pay?!


*drumroll please*


That would be a total of $406.68!



Isn't that amazing?! Not only are the vet bills covered out of pocket without even remotely affecting our regular monthly budget and bills, but we can also afford to pay off our credit card, now, with the extra money I "found" in savings.

Because we have been faithful to him in our finances and tithing, God has blessed us more than we could even IMAGINE through our finances.




As 2009 comes to a close, this evening, I look back and can see how God has blessed us way beyond what we could ever have planned, asked or imagined.




With this kind of provision from a truly wonderful, loving God that cares enough about me to even notice and cover the "little" things in life, I can't help but feel a peaceful confidence over whatever will be thrown our way in 2010.

May God continue to bless and care for you and yours, and may you be able to someday look back and see his hand in everything.





Happy New Year!

Decisions, Decisions

So I've recently been presented with a few decisions that need to be made, and it's forcing me to really evaluate where I am, right now.

For those of you who have read fairly regularly, you know the McStudly and I are really involved in our church. We love it! I really wish, most of the time, that I could get paid to do that instead of working at the full-time job I have (though I do actually enjoy that, as well). Ah well... one can dream, right?!

Anywho, I was recently approached about becoming more (or perhaps just a tad differently and a bit more frequently) involved in one of the areas that I thoroughly enjoy. And in actuality, it was literally a dream come true... as in - I had a dream about it a week or so ago. Crazy, right?! Yeah. I thought so, too. And when this person told me the other night that they had something they wanted to talk to me about, my thoughts went to this dream. Of course, being of the female persuasion and all, my thoughts then quickly went to "am I in trouble?" or "what did I do?!", but I was assured I was not in trouble at all... though I was still a bit anxious about it (who wouldn't be?!).

I said I'd talk to McStudly about it, since it involved more of a time commitment and I"m already pretty spread in several different directions (which actually caused them to almost not ask me at all, because they knew I was so busy. Nice, eh?).

So, basically, I've been thinking about it a lot. Like a LOT lot. I'm not one to believe in these kinds of coincidences as purely random, but more like purposeful. Does that make sense?! Between the dream, and thinking this was what it would be about... and then actually being right. I dunno - call me crazy!


But here's where I struggle. Remember I said I'm already pretty spread in several different directions? Yeah. As in here's what I do on any given week: Sunday morning: church (sometimes both services). Sunday evening: Underground (Young Adults). Monday: free (woohoo!). Tuesday: worship practice. Wednesday: church early for prep and then helping with Fusion (Youth service). Thursday: Pregnancy clinic training. Friday: free (hopefully date-night). Saturday: who knows... cleaning, laundry (yeah right, ha!), sleeping in!!!

I'm not insanely busy, I suppose, but keep in mind that Tuesday - Thursday activities are not including McStudly. He isn't involved int he worship team, or youth, or the pregnancy clinic. So we see each other before and after, but it's kind've like ships passing in the night. Also, there are monthly meetings involved (sometimes multiple) with all of these ministries, so they usually take up another night or two, here and there, so it's ends up being one packed month after another.


I say all of this to get to my point, I suppose. Making this change means that I need to make a sacrifice somewhere else. That's why this isn't a "Well, of course!" kind of a thing, right now.

Sidenote: On top of that, the McStud and I have been having a very... trying week (we all have them - you know where you just keep butting heads and/or missing each other and it's juts rough all around?! Yeah. That kind.), so that hasn't really helped, much.


I really want to do this, but I don't know how I feel about stepping down in the other areas I'm involved in. It's not easy. It's going to take a lot of thought and prayer, as well as discussion with the hubster before a decision is reached.

FYI: in case you're wondering, it's not like I'll be moving to Africa, or anything, so you may think I'm making a bigger deal out of this than I need to (not that you know what it is, or anything), but to me, it's personally a hard decision.


I just feel torn, I guess is the best way to put it. I'm involved in all of these ministries because of various reasons, but mainly because I have a heart to be there. So it's not like I could just drop it like a bad habit and move on to something else, ya know?! It's hard to see something that seems so right just out of your reach, and you have to let go of something else to get to it... sometimes more than one "something else", like in my case - I feel like letting go of just one thing won't really change anything or make extra time or add less stress, but that it would take letting go of two things just for the 1.


Am I babbling? Or hopefully I'm at least making a little teenie bit of sense in here, somewhere?!


Maybe blogging about it is helping me to feel like I'm working things out. Pen to paper (or fingers to keyboard, in this case) can really help me sort out my thoughts, sometimes.


All I know is with all that went before this - the dream, kind've seeing it coming (does it sound bad to say that?! It feels like it sounds really snobby and braggadocios - Ooh... HUGE points for using that word in a blog on a Friday!!), and then actually hearing it. I don't know - call me crazy, but I feel like this is where God wants me. And on top of all that, I've already been trying to stretch myself in this area. I mean... McStudly and I have had many a conversation about it and my trying to better myself and step out of my comfort zone (that could be a whole other blog in itself!), and then this happens. So is it weird of me to think that all of this is playing a part in the bigger picture, somehow? I just can't shake the feeling.


And maybe that's why I feel so compelled to lean in this direction, while knowing that it'll take some sacrifice to get there.


Could that be the point? I trust God. I really do. But am I the only one that still questions things... even the things I really feel that he's leading me towards? What is WRONG with me?!?!


Why do we do this? We hold so tight onto the things that we know. The things that are familiar. the things we're comfortable with... even though we know that God has bigger and better plans for us to move on to.


It's like I know what I need to do, but I worry too much about actually doing it. Or I feel like I'll be letting someone down or putting someone else in a bad spot by stepping down and/or out of the other ministries.


*lightbulb moment*

Hang on a second... is that maybe a form of pride?! Do I somehow, without realizing it, hold myself so highly that I think the other people... the other ministries can't do without me? Ouch. Talk about a public realization of fault, man. I'm discovering, openly, on my blog that I'm dealing with pride in an area I had no idea was there. This blog post is getting heavier and heavier the more I type.

Sidenote: Am I the only one that is doing this? Is there any chance that maybe you guys are dealing with similar forms of pride? I mean... God can do the impossible. We sing it. We say it. We may shout it from time to time. But then there's that dang old box, again, and we think that he can't carry on a ministry without use. Ouch ouch OUCH! Please be honest... I feel like I may be the only one, right now, and that's not making me feel so good. :-(


Wow. I need to deal with that. Like yesterday! And I think that, maybe, I just made my decision. ??


Of course I'll be talking to McStudly about it more (we actually get to SEE each other tonight. Squeea!) and praying about it a little more, but can I ask you a HUGEmongous favor?? Can you all pray for me, too? For both the decision, and now, apparently, my subconscious issues with pride, too?



Gesh... why is humility so difficult that you don't even realize you are missing it, most of the time?! I'm missing the mark and somehow I feel like I'm still shooting straight. Ugh!!



Well, I've carried on long enough, and given you enough of a Serious Pill for this Friday. Hope it wasn't too big to swallow, and that you'll be honest enough with yourself (...and possibly the rest of us?!) to do it. I'm going to go get to work on "fixing" myself. Thank God for his unconditional grace, cause Lord knows I need it!!


Hope you all have a great weekend, and I'd LOVE to hear how you guys feel about what I said. And just so you know, I'm not typically one of those planner kind of bloggers. I really was just figuring this whole thing out as I typed... I'm working on being as genuine as possible (it's part of my pregnancy clinic training), and I feel this might be the best way to keep myself real (it's awfully safe here, behind this computer).



Anywho, take care and I'll catch you on the flipside!






Toodles! :-)

My Tidy Little God-Box

McStudly got into a pretty deep "philosophical" type conversation while we were laying in bed last night. It didn't last long, but afterwards I got to thinking. I usually have trouble falling asleep so I was thinking about this for a while, and then when I woke up this morning, all of those thoughts were still very clear in my head. It's been a few hours, now, but I'm going to try to put it all out there for you guys. I want to see what your thoughts are, your opinions, or if anyone even has anything to add at all.

Here goes!

In talking about all of this, let me start by saying I'm just as guilty as the next person. Anywhere that I say "we" or "you" it includes me... so don't think I'm being preachy. K?

How easy is it for us to put God in a box? Sometimes someone unknowingly helps us make our God-boxes by telling us their opinion as though it's fact, and then we take it for fact without looking into what the Bible says. We do this with friends, family, and even our Pastors. Just because you think someone has a better handle than you do, or a degree behind their name, that doesn't mean everything they say is truth. We shouldn't take it for fact and not look into it ourselves.

But that's not the point of all this. The point is the God-box itself. Some of you may be tuning me out already, but we all have one. We have our own neat little organized religion God-box that we tuck God into. It's made up of our interpretation of the Bible, our opinion of how a church service should go. Our view on what worship should be like. Our take on how we are to interact with each other - both Christians and non-Christians. That's what makes up our God-box.

And so we go to church on Sundays (or whenever we go) and we sit there. Like a consumer we're ready to take in a product, decide if it fits in with our God-box, and then review it later.

"Worship was kind've off today" or "We sing the same songs over and over again" and "I had a hard time connecting to the sermon today. It didn't really speak to me."

That's our God-box talking.

Worship needs to fit our expectations. The songs need to move us. The sermon needs to be what we're comfortable hearing and admitting to needing and it needs to speak to us in a way we haven't quite been spoken to before. Because it's a consumer, me, my way mentality.

But when we put worship in a box, when we put sermons and environments into a box, we're limiting it. And when we limit these things, we're limiting God. We limit God and then wonder where he is. We think he's not moving or he's not speaking to us... but it's not God that's not moving, it's us. We're limiting him and then expecting him to move in spite of our limits. By limiting God, we're limiting his effect on those around us. We are becoming the problem, while looking for someone or something else to point the finger at. We're missing it.

We also tend to limit God to church. That fits nicely into our God-boxes.

The worst part about our God-boxes is that by limiting God, we are limiting his ability to minister to others. God can do all thing, don't get me wrong, but he chooses to use us to minister to those around us. We each have our own sphere of influence and God has us there for a reason. No one, no single other person, can reach the people around you day-to-day in the way that you can. Often times these spheres of influence can overlap, but it all comes from different angles. You are the only one that can reach those people in the way that they need to hear it. But when we limit God, and keep him in our neat and tidy little God-boxes, we're the reason that's not happening.

But what if we opened that box and finally let God out? What if we stopped trying to fit worship into our box and just worshipped as we were meant to worship - freely and without shame, as we were created? What if we stopped getting caught up on what songs we were singing, or what the words of that song were? What if we asked God to speak to us in any sermon and bring something new to light no matter what the topic?

What if we let God be God and stop trying to do his job for him?

Just imagine - if we let God out of that box. If we focused on worshipping him instead of being comfortable in a song we'd reach entirely new levels of intimacy with him. Our love for him would be so much more than we could even imagine. What if we were so hungry for more of the word that even a sermon on a topic that far outreaches us still somehow speaks to us, where we are, and leads us to be even hungrier for the word in our day-to-day lives?

By letting God out of that little box that we created years ago, we're not longer limiting him to only be able to work when, where, and how we want him to. He'll finally be free to move in his good and perfect timing ad in the ways the he knows he needs to.

When God is able to move and we are worshipping him truly and whole-hearted, we will begin to exude him to those around us. And when we do so, he is finally able to minister to those people in our sphere of influence right where they need him and right where they are.

When God can finally meet people where they are, that's when things happen. That's when lives are restored and darkness flees. That's when we are able to breakthrough the things that tie us down. That is when we are finally fulfilling the purpose he's given each of us, all because we took a lid off a box.

So when your in worship and feeling like the band is off or singing a song you've heard a hundred times, remember why you're really there. When the sermon is about something that's so far off you're dazing in and out of consciousness, remember the reason for it all.

We're not here to critique a church service, we're hear to worship a loving, saving God. Whether or not that fits into your God-box should tell you something.

So when you hear the lyrics to a new worship song and you're stuck on the fact that it says "sloppy wet kiss" in one of the verses ("How He Loves" - great song. Look it up), remember that God doesn't fit into our little boxes.

Maybe we should stop trying to shove him in there all the time?

"I will Daaance like David Daaannnced"

I was writing, kind've like I do fairly regularly, and discovered that it's looking a bit like David's writing style in Psalms, today. Oh well. What can ya do, right?!

So here it is... my thoughts, as jumbled and mixed up as they were at the time of writing.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When I'm crying in the night
Afraid of what's surrounding me
not knowing when the pain is going to end

When the sin in this world
Becomes thick and almost suffocating
And I hardly feel like I can breathe another breath

I know that even in these times of fear and doubt

You reign.
You’re still seated on the throne.
You reign with power to calm even the raging seas.

There’s none on earth, or above, or below
That could even begin to compare to Your strength and majesty

When I’m not sure that this world is worth it anymore
And I don’t want to deal through the pain
You’re the one who dries my tears and You hold me in Your arms.
You don’t let go.

There’s a peace You give that I can’t explain
And I know I’ll make it through the night, to the next day
The comfort You give is overwhelming
And joy, it overflows within me.

God, my Father, only You can calm my storms.

Nothing, in life or in death, could ever replace Your love.
My desire to know You more and more astounds me every day.

Even when I fail, You never change.
You never move, but to follow me – even into the depths of my sin.
And when I cry out, You’re already there.
Holding and comforting me before the cry even leaves my lips.

You know my heart.
I can keep nothing from You.
You see the good and the shameful,
But You love me still.

How can there be a love so great?
So that even my sin can’t turn You away?

I’ll never understand such a love, but I’ll be forever grateful to You for it.

I love you God, my forgiving, loving Father.
And even if I worked forever, even past this life,
I’ll never be able to comprehend Your love.

But I’ll try, because a love so great is worth everything.
And maybe that’s why You gave Your son – You gave everything, just to prove that to me.

A sinner like me?
Worth Your everything?

I should forever be in your debt, but you’d never allow it.

Your gift of love was just that – a gift.
And now I could never repay you.

But God – I’d love to try.

So I’ll give You my everything.
I’ll try and try to live for You, and none other.

I’m not perfect, by any means, but You see me as spotless, still.

How great a love is that?

Feeling Lyrical

So, I'm one of those people who is really impacted by music. The be and flow of it alone can render me tear-filled and sobby, but then you throw in some lyrics and I could quite possibly become a total mess. Am I the only one?! Ah who cares, either way. It's just how I am. So it's funny that I'm married to someone that, although he likes music, doesn't really feel it's impact most of the time. Don't get me wrong, there is still the occasional song that may catch him off guard or have him thinking, but it doesn't happen nearly a often as with me. I'm Sarah, a I'm a musicaholic... (hi, Sarah.)

So one of my favorite things to do, with regards to music, is to find these artists that aren't well known. Artists that are extremely talented, but, for whatever reason, aren't out there, yet. It gives me this random sense of discovery. Songs on the radio can spark a search, which leads me to another artist, then to another, etc. Until I find one that's now all that popular, yet. Oddly enough, usually within a few weeks of finding them, I end up hearing them on the radio, and seeing their name in iTunes or on some banner online. It's pretty cool, cause then I think "Ooh... I found them FIRST! Take THAT, Apple software!" I know, I'm lame, but hey - who cares.

Well, a few months back (like 6?) I became a BIG fan of Meredith Andrews. I heard her on the radio, and I just LOVE LOVE LOVE her CD. If you haven't heard it, and/or don't own it, go get it. Check out some clips on iTunes and then buy it. You'll thank me, later. :-) She became my selection of choice for a bit, because I'm one of those people that sticks to the same CD for a while before moving on to another.

So after some one-on-one driving time with Meredith (yeah... we're close like that. ha ha), I started artist hopping, again. I went from her to Brooke Fraser (who's CD, apparently, McStudly had already ordered for me on amazon, as a surprise - he knows my love for music). She's amazing. She's originally from New Zealand (her dad was a famous Rugby player, in his early years), then moved to Australia where she became one of Hillsongs United's worship leaders. She also began her career as a solo-artist. She's amazing. her songs are thought-provoking, much like Meredith Andrews, but she's more guitar-driven and rockin' than Meredith's full band sound and tear-jerker songs that make you want to go deeper (ha - that's the name of one of her songs, even!).

Anywho - after some one-on-one time with Brooke, it was time to hop again. So I went online. iTunes has this feature called "genius". For those of you who don't know what that is, it's super cool. Straight from Apple's website: "While you reacquaint yourself with the music you already own, let Genius introduce you to new music you’ll love. As you select songs in your library, the Genius sidebar displays songs from the iTunes Store that go great with it. The Genius sidebar won’t recommend songs already in your library, and you can preview and buy recommended songs directly from the sidebar." Get it? So pretty much, it tells you what artists and songs that, according to your current library, would be a good fit for your 'style' of music.

And it's named perfectly. Genius led me to Francesca Battistelli. Now, she's starting to be played on the radio, now, but she wants when I "found" her. At least not in our neck of the woods. I was starting to think that our radio stations don't even know what current music exists, much less want to play it on their station. But she's amazing. She's got more of a Sara Bareillas type feel, with her piano-driven songs, but her lyrics are totally though-provoking and face-slapping (in a good "I just realized I'm a total loser" kind of way... as opposed to the bad "I just realized I'm a total loser" kind of way). She just puts things in a kind of light that can, in a sense, help you re-realize what's real. Wow - I'm not making any sense. Just take a look at these, if you will... maybe that'll help, some:


Excerpts that have me thinking:

"I don't know where the story ends
But I'll be alright 'cause you wrote it.
I don't know where the highway bends, but I'm doing just fine.
You're in control
Even when I don't know
Where my life's gonna go.
You're keeping me guessing."



"Even though I've got the lines rehearsed, A picture only paints a thousand words…
Things aren't always what they seem
You're only seening part of me.
There's more than you could ever know, behind the scenes.
I'm incimplete and I'm undone,
But I suppose like everyone
There's so much morethat's going on, behind the scenes…
When it's hard to find hope in the unseen,
I have peace in knowing it will find me."

"Sometimes I believe
That I can do anything
Yet other times I think
I got nothing good to bring
But you look at my heart and tell me I have all you seek
And it's easy to believe, even though

I've got a couple dents in my fender,
Got a couple rips in my jeans.
I'm tryin' to fit the pieces together,
But perfection is my enemy.
And on my own I'm so clumsy,
But on your shoulders I can see
I'm free to be me."

Okay so those are just a few - the only ones I could find already typed up online (and I'm too lazy to type them up myself, since I'm supposed to be doing actual work right now.

So this chick is awesome. You really have to listen to her songs to like her, because just looking at the lyrics make it seem... eh... overly simplified. But maybe that's the beauty? I think we all have a tendency to over-complicate things. Especially the female variety (AMEN, sista!). But since I'm one to really read into artists as I find them, I was checking out Franny's (yep... we're cool like that, too) blog/journal and there was a quote that totally whimp-slapped me upside my head. I mean I really had to read it a few times before I could get through it without being totally floored with it's application to my life.

As most of you know, I wrote a while back about how I feel like God's really been pushing me to use the gifts he's given me. And so I start pushing further. But I slacked off a bit. I make stupid excuses and even though I have people trying to help me push myself, I am pretty convincing when I make excuses for them, as well. Not to mention they have their OWN stuff to deal with, here. But really - what's my PROBLEM?! Well, here's the quote that pretty much knocked me off my comfy little cushioned work chair, this morning:

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We are born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us, it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others." ~ Nelson Mandela

Umm... OUCH!! Did that knock anyone ELSE'S socks off?

So yeah. That's where I am today. Where are you?

(and no, I don't know to know where you physically are. Let's be real, here, people... if we can't be vulnerable hiding behind our computers, where can we be?!)

Not much longer now...

I sponsored a child through Compassion International with a small group when I was a teenager, and when our small group ended, I tried to continue the sponsorship myself (which wasn't easy, since I only made $50 a month, at the time).


I was so bummed when I had to end the sponsorship, and I've always wondered what happened to the girl we sponsored. I can't even remember her name now... how awful is that? It was a really long time ago.


Well, since McStudly and I got married, I've been wanting to sponsor another child. I looked through World Vision, as well as Compassion International and we finally decided to go with Compassion International again. We filled out the paperwork earlier this week, and after looking through pages and pages and pages and pages... and pages... and more pages... of children needing sponsorship (some have been waiting for over 6 months!), we decided to fill out a form and have them select a child for us.

It was awful looking into the eyes of all of these children that feel so forgotten. All that I have read says that living in poverty sends the message that "I don't matter." Isn't that horrible? All because they live in a land out of our reach and where people take advantage of those who aren't given the chance to do better for themselves... they think they're insignificant.


That boggles my mind.


This isn't a blog about the injustices of the world, though I could write for DAYS on that topic. No, this is about our child.


We have a dog. And he's like a child to us (especially when we're exhausted but can't sleep or just relax because he needs attention), but it's still very different. We know that.


I've read a lot of first hand accounts on how much these child sponsorships have helped people move on to great things. It teaches them to overcome the lies of insignificance and that they are able to do great things. They can do whatever they put their mind to. Most of them probably think this is a tease, but the opportunities these sponsorships afford these children - it's amazing.


We are just days away from finding out who our child will be. We have yet to meet him or her. We don't know where they are in the world. We have no clue what they will look like, but we do know that they will need to know that they matter, and that at least 2 people, though on the other side of the world, care very much about them.


I can't wait to meet them!! Even though it'll just be through letters and pictures, it's so exciting to think of getting to know them and watching them grow. I can't begin to fathom what their life is like right now, but I do know that they will be loved and encouraged.


Most agencies, such as World Vision and Compassion International, even offer the chance to meet your sponsored child, now. I'm not sure if we'll ever be able to actually meet them, face-to-face, but I can dream, right?!


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


If you've ever considered sponsorship, I encourage you to look into the many agencies that offer the opportunity.

If you're one of those people who think it's a crock or waste of money, and it's just another way that people been able to use the poor status of the world to rip people off, then I encourage you to look deeply into the realities of what these organizations provide for these children, and sometimes whole families. Google it. Look for first hand accounts. Read about it on their webpages. Do what you can to find the facts for yourself.



And then, sponsor someone.

S-L-A-C-K-E-R

That's how you spell my name. Yep - I'm a slacker, and I know it.

Last week was Thanksgiving, so that's an excuse in itself. And I hurt my back Sunday evening playing Flag Football. So... there. That's another excuse.

I could go all day with excuses. I'm full of them! But I won't put you through that...


Kicking it down a "serious notch", or two... I'm a slacker in way more ways than in just the blogosphere. And I want to share it with you. I'm going to be real - some of it is going to sound weird. Some of it will sound normal. Some of it will sound confusing. But it's real. It's one of those "ah-hah!" moments I've had over the past few weeks and it's been getting stronger and clearer since the first time it slapped me across the face.


So here's the thing: do you ever get those gifts at Christmas that you kind've have to over-act grateful for? I mean don't get me wrong - you're totally appreciative that someone took the time and money to get you a gift and that means a lot in itself, but it's one of those gifts that... well... they don't fit your personality, and yet you feel obligated to display it or wear it so that the giver will see it?!

Well, if we're honest, we've all gotten at least ONE of those gifts. Especially if you've gotten married - you get those random "what in the world?!" kinds of gifts. Right?! It's totally weird, too. I mean, what am I going to do with a ceramic white and gold statue of a bride and groom for the rest of my life after I've already gotten married? Let's just say... it doesn't quite fit into my decor. But I feel like I have to keep it (...if only for the simple fact that I can't bear to re-gift it and be thought of in the same way I thought of the giver, and it's too nice to throw into the trash can or give to goodwill. What's a girl to do?!).


Unfortunately, I think we do this with the gifts that God gives us. At least I know that I'm WAY guilty of that. Am I only the only one?!

I mean, imagine how the person that gave you that not-so-fantastic gift came over and saw the Christmas sweater they made for you sitting in the garbage cans outside. It would suck, right?!

So when God gives you a gift, it's for a reason. And he doesn't give you a little cushion of gifting in that area just in case you decide to use it... No, he gives it to you so that you can use all of it. He wants you to rock that gift's world! He wants you to wear it out like it's been out of style since the 80s and you're JUST now realizing it. He wants you to because he owns the cattle on a thousand hills, and he'll keep replenishing that gifting over and over and over again.

This gift isn't a box of Girl Scout cookies that you're trying to savor slowly until they start selling them again next year - this is more like the unlimited supply of said girl scout cookies (and can I just take a time out to say that I would be TOTALLY fantastic with the idea of unlimited, year-round girl scout cookies?! I'm just saying...).


And this is where I've been failing lately (with the giftings, not the girl scout cookies). I'm really only using between 40 and 60% of the gifts that God has given me.

Over the past few weeks, I have had the same recurring dream several times. It's not one of those dreams that are warm and fuzzy and then by noon, when you finally get to tell your best bud about it, you're all kinds of fuzzy on the details. It's more like the super vivid dream that you couldn't forget if you WANTED to!

Anywho... back to the dream: I'm standing on a stage and singing. I'm not just singing, I mean I'm SANGIN'! You know the difference... singing is when you stand there are pretty and sing on pitch and only suffice to meet everyone's expectations. It's pretty. People are smiling. The little old ladies in the 2nd row are clapping softly off-beat with you. And then you walk off stage and breathe a sigh of relief that it's over and spend the next few hours over-analyzing the way you "delivered" the song. But SANGIN' is when you just belt it. You put EVERYTHING you've GOT into that song. You sing like the lives of every little baby around the world depends on it. It's like Cristina Aguilera ain't got NOTHING on you when you're singing this song. You're owning that song.


That's the difference.


The most important difference between the two?

When you SANG, he's just totally captivated by the gift that he's given you. He's the proudest father. The one clapping the loudest at your grand finally. He's BEEMING with pride in having given you the PERFECT gift!! He just KNEW that you'd use it this way. He just knew it!! And he couldn't be happier.

God loves your singing. He really does. But when you just sing the song, as happy as he is that you're using that gift he's given you, it's like he's turned to look back as he left the Christmas party at your house, and through that window saw you throwing that sweater that you hate so much into the trash can. Or using it to wipe up the mess you just made when you spilled the 7-layer dip on the kitchen floor as you were cleaning up. You are slapping God in the face and saying "Yeah, it's a cool gift and all, but my fear of humiliation, my fear of what people will think, my worry that people will judge me as a show-off is way more important than the extent of your silly little gift." Because, after all... people are the ones you have to live with everyday, right?! They're the ones you have to answer to when you walk off that stage afterwards...


Right?!



Well, in my dream, I'm just jamming. I am Sangin' His Eye is On the Sparrow. I mean, I am kicking that song's musical butt! And people are being touched by it! They're being given Hope that they hadn't seen in years. Filled with Joy that they hadn't ever felt before. That simple old song that we've all heard a dozen times - it was really meeting people where they were.

All because I was using the gift that God has given me to it's capacity. I was fulfilling a purpose.


God doesn't give a bird wings so that he can walk around flappin' them at each other. He gives them wings so they can fly. That's their purpose, but it can't be met unless they truly use their wings to their fullest ability.

So why are we any different? Why do we laugh at God's "cute" little giftings? They aren't "cute" - they're ordained! They are put there for a reason, and not just to be looked at and imagined.


A few months back, when our church was between Worship leaders, I stepped in, some, and helped lead worship when they needed me. The problem? I was not only TERRIFIED, which isn't a bad thing in itself, but I was still only dabbing my big toe in to see if the water was cold when I would sing. I didn't truly lead people in worship. Heck no - I just sang the main part of the song, like I was some kind of a sing-along worship CD that you play in the car on the way to work in the morning.

Can God use that? Yes. Absolutely. No question. Did he? No doubt. But had I used the gift he had given me to actually LEAD people in worship, we could've experience a level of worship that was on a whole new playing field.

But instead of was worried about saying the wrong thing between songs, so I didn't say anything. I was too nervous that my Sanging would distract people, so I just sang the song like we all knew it.


And that wasn't the point. NONE of that should've mattered. And no matter how many times I was told that people truly need some encouragement in worship and truly need to be led, no matter how much I told myself "You can do this. They need this. YOU need this...", once I got up on stage, I froze. I was worried about the band getting my signals. I was worried about singing the wrong verse and misleading the vocalists that were singing with me. I was frozen in my own anxiety.


I guess what I'm trying to say is that I've been a slacker with the gift God has given me, and I need to get off my butt and start using it the way that he gave it to me, not just the way that I'm comfortable or the way that I always have in the past.

Comfort zones are just that - they're comfortable. But they aren't God-made. They are totally, completely, 100% man-made. And if everyone played it "safe", then no one would ever hear about him. Or feel his love. Or wake up and realize that he has so much more for them than they could ever accomplish within their own strength. But we have GOT to learn to break down those stupid comfortable walls, and stop building them again once things get stormy. We're missing SO MUCH of what he's given us. Why doesn't that keep us up at night? Why doesn't that bother us like it should? Because we're just staying inside of our safe-ness. Comfortable in our cozy little comfort zones... stupid little things.





What gift are hiding behind? What talents have you been given, but are too worried to shine in? In what ways are you a Slacker?